Supernatural Optimist

Chapters......

2011-03-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

The sun is bright in my office today. I look at that as a sign that the events of this week will brightly guide my life to come. That sounds kind of corny, I know. But I’m a bit mentally overwhelmed at this moment. Tomorrow marks a day that has been in the crafting stages for a very long time. I’ve written about it until I’m blue in the face and I do not plan on re-penning the actions that have led me here. As a matter of fact, today marks the last entry in my blog as it currently exists.

This blog has been a good friend to me. Allowing me to unload emotions in a time when I had no other outlets that I hadn’t already worn out. Friends and family have been priceless to me. But as I have spoken to them over the years, my words have disappeared into their memories as well as mine. Being able to come here and write those same spoken words down has given me the opportunity to look back days, weeks, even months after I’d written them and discover that I truly have grown throughout this process. Yes, my family and friends have told me that I’ve grown. But you never fully understand it until you can look back on those times with written evidence of your emotion.

When I started this site two years ago, I had no idea the time it would take to complete this process. And I know that “this process” will never be fully complete as I will maintain some sort of relationship with my ex for the rest of my life through our children. Being fortunate with an amazing support group through my family and friends, as well my own personal determination, will be an asset in making sure that relationship remains as positive as possible.

Growth does not come without a price, though. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you still want to wear good shoes even when you’re walking through the shit and the muck. My outlook on life has remained positive. And there were times I thought I would break. There were times I thought my optimism would falter me and bring more pain than comfort. There were times I flat out thought I should shut down and let every bad feeling take over because it just seemed easier. I almost lost something I hold dear and that is my demeanor. I almost became the thing I despise and that is bitter. But because I was determined to wear heels through the shit, they made me feel better when I walked out the other side and a water hose was waiting for me to clean them off.

I close this chapter in my life with renewed confidence and I look forward to an amazing chapter already in the development stages. This new chapter is marked with a new love, the never ending love of my precious boys, and a new blog that’s coming soon.

Happy Living All!

I’ll see you soon……………

"I Cannot Legislate Stupidity"......

2011-03-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

As a requirement to get divorced in the great county of Dekalb, parents must endure four and a half hours of what I like to call “We know some of you are not as stupid as we may think, but just in case……” parental lecturing. Yesterday, I was happy to sit in a back-breaking chair for four hours listening to two psychologists tell me things I already knew, while drinking coffee so stale that the dead beans haunted my taste buds for the remainder of the day. Why? Because it put me one step closer to D day.

I don’t knock the seminar all together. The speakers were actually very good. I enjoyed many of their stories and agreed with each and every one of their points about raising healthy children through divorce. I just spent a great deal of time yesterday wondering how many other parents in that same room would walk away with this information and actually put it to some good use. As I panned the room with my eyes and curiosity, I watched as some parents grumbled derogatory comments under their breath of their soon-to-be ex spouses. I sat back and listened to questions that I swear had to have come from the kids themselves and not the parents sitting before us claiming the question is theirs. I witnessed even the speakers marvel at these questions wondering if it was some kind of joke and should they really entertain an answer or just move on as if they never heard a word. It was truly an amusement park of dysfunction. And by that, I mean how many kids, from this room alone, are going to be so f’d up once this whole thing is over?

While I occupied my time with this undeniable entertainment, I couldn't help but sit back and look to my left and appreciate what I had. Because, contrary to the rest of the room, sitting next to me was my soon-to-be ex spouse. Out of 50-60 other people in attendance, we were the only couple to attend this seminar together. Could it be that we are the rare 3% of couples that can do this as a unified force, on friendly terms, without the threat of firearms? How can the number be so small of parents that see the benefit of ending on the best terms possible? Why is it that there are more people out there that would rather hash out the worst case scenario instead of thinking about a positive environment for their children?

As we completed the class and our certificates were handed out to us, I decided that I would not question the choices of those other parents, but rather appreciate the choices that my soon-to-be ex spouse and I make on a daily basis. Our divorce was about the two of us splitting amicably. Our future is about our children living happily.

Happy Living All!

P.S. The title of today's post is courtesy of one of the speakers at the seminar in response to a parent's question.

Working My Way Out of My Office.....

2011-03-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

So happy to be leaving my office for the weekend. More happy that I was even able to make a path so that I actually could leave my office for the weekend. Do you think there's any chance that the File Fairy will show up this weekend and take these away???

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Happy Living All!

"When you are through changing, you are through"......

2011-03-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

So, I was challenged two nights ago to read my blog from the very beginning. And the most prevalent thing I noticed through my entire archive was stagnation. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time, as I always write what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing at the moment. Hind-sight is most definitely 20/20. The thing is, I must have been thinking, feeling and experiencing the same thing for two years. I thought I was moving forward, buying a new home, starting a new job, making new friends. But I’m realizing that just because the items on the surface of my life have taken an about-face, it doesn’t always mean that forward progression is taking place emotionally. At least, how are you going to realize that if all I write about is the same emotional position?

I whole heartedly know that I was definitely moving forward below the surface, but for some reason I just don’t feel like that was accurately coming across on paper. So in an effort to leave idle behind, I am starting anew. The divorce is almost final and now seems like as good a time as any to bring to a conclusion the writings of those experiences. Change is occurring all around me and my life is happier and fuller than it has ever been.

I have always thrived on change. It is very good for the soul. Stagnation is just not an option for me in my quest to live the happiest life possible. And thanks to an amazing man, standing still is no longer a thought.

Happy Living All!

A moment please.....

2011-03-08T12:21:00.000-08:00

I am overwhelmed.

LAUGH......

2011-03-04T13:52:00.001-08:00

There's a picture in my office that says "LAUGH". Seriously??......

Is it time to go home yet???

The Longest Three Weeks.......

2011-03-04T06:28:00.000-08:00

March 23rd is quickly approaching and I feel like a kid in a candy store. I don’t want that to come across wrong, but dear lord, this has been building for so many years that the actual “formal” finalizing of the divorce seems comical at this point. Only b/c we’ve already been divorced in every sense of the word for years.

You would think that I could just walk into the judge’s office and say:

“Your honor, my husband and I have been separated for five and half years. We started living in opposite ends of the house when the boys were one. We decided three years ago that we didn’t want to be married anymore. I moved out and bought my own house 14 months ago. Do we really have to wait another three weeks before this thing is real? Can’t you see that it was real a long time ago? Don’t you have it in your heart to call a spade a spade and end this already? Why must we wait three more longs weeks to “finalize” something that was final five years ago? Why must we take time off work to drive down to your courtroom and sit for God knows how long and then get up there just for you to say ‘well, looks like everything’s in order. You are hereby divorce.’? Why drag this out any longer?”

To which I’m sure you would promptly reply:

“Hell honey, you’ve wait five years………. What’s three more weeks?”

Touché your honor. Touché.

Happy Living All!

Wake Up!.......

2011-02-23T15:21:00.001-08:00

So my distractions from writing and, well..... just about everything, can be attributed to some good things. The papers have been filed and a court date set. But even more so than that, my attention has been completely diverted. It's crazy how things happen in our lives that take us by utter surprise. And I would be lying if I said that the swift moving forward of the progression of divorce was completely out of the blue. Sometimes it takes 'waking up' to know that you have to quit standing still and start skipping forward. My awakening makes me smile everyday. My awakening has turned my brain on again. My awakening dances with me every night. I'm so happy to be awake.

Have you ever had someone make you feel like a giddy teenager? Just curious.

Happy Living All.

I Love the Stars.....

2011-02-09T11:48:00.000-08:00

15 years ago, I met a man. My complete opposite. It was cute. Challenging. We dated. We fell in like. Love came eventually. We were ok. A marriage. Two children. Something happened. No reasons. Slow dissolve. We were ok. August 18, 2009. Papers drafted. Gap. February 9, 2011. Papers filed. A parking lot walk. A hug. A smile. A good bye. We’re more than ok.

I signed on the dotted line of divorce today and it feels good. My path is changing and it feels even better. I owe a debt of gratitude to the stars right now.

Happy Living All!

Really??..... I mean.... Really??

2011-01-30T07:10:00.000-08:00

I just had my blogospheric ass handed to me in a pretty little package. I have this "friend" who just happened to casually bring up the fact that he also "dabs' a little in blogging. He knows I do it, he reads mine from time to time. How does he fail to mention that he, too, exposes himself through the wires? So, as if getting past the initial condescending tone of "Oh, You didn't know I did that?" wasn't enough, I had to sit back and graciously allow this person to bitch slap me and I haven't even had my coffee yet.

Are you fucking kidding me??? And I don't typically drop the F bomb here, but seriously..... Are you fucking kidding me??? I know that I'm cheap as shit and completely technically uninclined when it comes to computers and such. I "borrow" blogs sites for their ease and the fact that I pretty much don't have to lift a finger to create anything except to spit out my random thoughts which may or may not save the world. I liked my pretty rainbow and my stars and the fact that half my site doesn't even work because I don't know how the hell to fix it. I liked that it didn't matter if my site comes across as a grade school project with little to no effort needed. I liked thinking that I was pretty savvy when in fact I know I'm not.

But apparently I am WAY behind the times here. Because I have nothing on him. Why did you have to do this oh dear "friend" of mind? Why did you have to make me wake up to just how lame my site really is? Why couldn't you just let me continue believing that I had something really special here? Oh no, you just had to bitch slap me with that smile on your face and say something to the likes of "yeah, I just dabble from time to time." I got your number. And now I have a new mission.

Stay tuned for a complete make-over. Great site "KC". I could get lost in the whole thing. And that is good. I like a good challenge.

Happy Living All.

Dear New Year's Resolution,

2011-01-02T18:21:00.001-08:00

I know it's been a while since I last wrote to you. Well, one year to be exact. I guess you get a lot of incoming emails, letters, foot traffic, etc. this time of year. Like millions of other people, I, too, am guilty of only touching base with you in January each year. But..... well.... it's your own fault. Your name is "New Year's Resolution" after all. And as such, you are usually only thought about during the after-Christmas-sale-frenzie. If you're lucky, thoughts of you will linger through the latter half of the month. And if someone truly loves you, they will stay committed to you well into the new year.

You were good to me last year. I made my commitment to you on January 1, 2010, to read more books. You stayed fresh in my mind and the relationship between us blossomed. It was a joint effort of course. The guilt you represent when someone looses sight of you is enormous. And therefore, you yield your tricky wand in a magical circle as if to make us believe we actually stayed true to our commitment on our own. When in actuality, we fear the guilt that will come should we back out of our promises. Your support (guilt-trip) and my determination (fear) resulted in an astonishing completion of six whole books. And they weren't picture books for my boys. They were actual 300+ page books with real substance. Me and you were "picture perfect" last year.

While I'm proud of what we accomplished in 2010, I have decided to take a different approach to 2011. You are amazing and useful, don't get me wrong. It's just that, besides you, oh dear Resolution, I have not been the best in the commitment arena. 2010 was tough for me, with a lot (A LOT) of changes in my life. And, well, yours was the only one I was able to keep. I tried, believe me I tried. My "Project 365" ended just shy of 100 days. My goal to start training for another race by the end of the year lead me to quit running sometime around Labor Day. And don't even get me started on my eating habits.

So, I think that my promise to you this year will have to lack a certain level of specificity. Be somewhat vague, if you don't mind. Because I'm afraid that if I make a specific "commitment", a detailed promise to you, then I just might fall short. And I would rather know that I came clean from the get-go and I circumvented guilt by not promising you something I can't guarantee I'll fulfill. Is that a cop out? Maybe. Am I a lame excuse for an optimist? Probably. Do I deserve a little slack for the year I just went through? Most definitely.

Therefore, dear New Year's Resolution, I promise to be a better me. That is all you get this time around. I hope it's enough.

S.O.

Happy Living All! It's a new year, so start with a clean slate........

Ball dropping....

2010-12-14T17:35:00.001-08:00

Can you say "I dropped the ball on that one?"...... As I drew near the 100 mark of my project, I knew that my mental exhaustion was winning the battle and that my "project" would come to an abrupt halt. What I didn't know was how great it would feel to actually not think about it for a while.

So now that I have not thought about it for over a month, I guess I need to re-evaluate where I'm taking this site. Project 365 is now out of the question, as I so lamely flaked out. But the posting must forge on. Even though gearing back up to start brainstorming entries again is almost like getting back into a work-out regiment after being lazy for three months (hell, I guess I have to look at that part of my life again too), I am glad to finally hit that blog-post "bookmark" button at the top of my screen and actually start typing. I've missed you oh keeper of my thoughts.

It goes without saying that my life has been full these past several weeks, what with Thanksgiving, family outings, playdates, and working my ass off. I live for this time of year. The cold weather, the holiday decorations, the Christmas music on the radio (yep, I listen to it happily), and the ever so shrinking bank account. Isn't it wonderful? I could care less that I barely have a pot to piss in. I will stretch that pot for as far as the eye can see, just to enjoy this awesome time of year. I'm a Christmas nerd, proudly. I put up our tree the weekend before Thanksgiving. I started listening to B98.5 the minute they switched. We attended a night-time Christmas parade. We had Breakfast with Santa. We rode in a hay ride with Mrs. Claus. We played in the snow (at Christmas, even a dusting of snow counts.) And we have lots more to come. So far, I would rank this holiday season as almost perfect.

The one thing that makes this year "interesting"? This is the first year we're not a family. The boys don't notice it as much as I do. Hell, I don't even think their dad notices it as much as I do. But right now, it doesn't matter. We are the same two people we were when we actually lived together. And maybe that's why this is easier than I thought it would be. I am completely happy. My boys are, too, I hope. This Christmas season will be just as amazing, if not more, as every other year I've been in love with it.

Happy Living All!

Project 365: Day 99 - And Off She Goes....

2010-11-08T20:21:00.000-08:00

Looks like I'm flying out again tomorrow for business. My boss comes to ask if I can go and, once again, there was no way I was going to say "no." I actually kind of already anticipated that they might ask me to go again this week. That's why I made arrangements with the boys' dad to have them one extra night this past weekend. Flying out on a late flight just to spend one evening in another city and the entire next day in seminars and training sessions is well worth it when my reward was spending all that quality time I got with my boys.

My babies called me tonight before they went to bed as they do every night they are with their dad. It's hard for me to believe that they're five now. But then they open their mouths and they speak like they're 10. I exaggerate of course. But the conversations we have now are so colorful and animated and the investment they have in whatever they're talking about is like I'm right there in front of them. I never want to rush to get off the phone. Our four or five days a week fly by in a flash and that makes the phone calls all the more precious. I could talk to them for hours.

I'm already looking forward to their phone call tomorrow night. I'll be in another town, a thousand miles away. I'll tell them about my ride in the airplane. Peanut will tell me all about the pet name his teacher, Mrs. Alicia, has for him: "_____y poo" . (leaving it blank for obvious reasons.) And Big E will explain to me how General Greibus (Star Wars character - that's how we pronounce it) is a bad guy and how Dark Badar (again, our pronunciation) is a bigger bad guy. I could listen to them forever. I actually need to buy a tape recorder so that I can just record their voices. Listening as Peanut learns to say million (mill-ee-on) and Big E as he struggles with his S's, well..... there's no sound on earth that's sweeter. Music to my ears.

Hopefully travel will not become a regular thing. But if it does, I might have to invest in one of those cameras for my computer or learn how to skype.

99 of 365: Since my sweet boys are not with me tonight, I pulled a couple more favorites from the archives....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 98 - Ours, Not Mine....

2010-11-07T19:56:00.001-08:00

Often times I feel as though my posts are bordering generic and I feel guilty. Almost as if I'm posting simply to be posting. And truth be told, that is probably the case. There are a great deal of things that I think about opening up about and then I change my mind, wondering if I have a right. After all, the things that happen in my life don't just happen to me alone. There are other people involved and I have to be sensitive to those people in my life.

I have a feeling many other bloggers go through this same tug of war. Do we write about everything or do we compromise our art for the sake of being considerate? Sometimes it's not even about the privacy of other people but rather the idea of becoming a true "open book." Do I really want to air all of my dirty laundry to the world? Who does that help? Me? My children? Strangers I'll never meet?

About two weeks ago, the boys' father finally asked me about my site. Keep in mind, I've been doing this for over two and a half years. Posting about me and my children and uploading photos for the whole world to see. He was concerned that I was serving our children up to strangers, more specifically "very bad" strangers. And to be perfectly honest with you, I never really looked at it that way. Does that make me a bad mother? I actually started feeling guilty that the thought never crossed my mind. How could it not? Society is so full of really bad people and the internet can, at times, be a cesspool of scum (present company not included, of course.)

I know exactly what my mom is saying right now.... "don't let this deter your momentum, don't let this stop you from doing what you enjoy and what you've spent years cultivating." I absolutely agree with her, but you know what? I actually agree with him too. His concern, albeit a couple of years late, is warranted. These are not just my children. They are our children and if he wants to be concerned about how I display them to the world, well, then he has a right to.

I guess I'm writing about this because if I choose to stop posting every single night, it will not be because he asked me to. He actually didn't. Again, this is a man of very few words and the fact that he even opened about his concerns, well, that surprised me and, at the same time, impressed me. He simply asked me about it and said that he felt uneasy. He never told me to quit doing it. I don't think he would ever do that. But he did ask if I could make it private, so that only people I knew would be able to view it. My response was.......... "I don't think I want to do that."

So it's not like I'm completely ignoring his concerns. I hear them and I share them. But if I made my site private, I would feel like I was defeating the purpose of my site. Which is to share a story about a mom who was blind-sided by separation and the loss of her marriage, but who is learning to cope with her new life as a single parent. If I hide that story from the people who might actually be looking for proof that they are not alone in their own journey, then I would be turning my back on one of the reasons I do it. I write my story for three reasons: for me, for my boys, and for the countless other single moms who need to know they have a family and that there is a more pleasant side to divorce.

I still have not decided whether or not I will end my "Project 365" at day 100. But if I do, know that the choice was mine for the reasons I stated last night. I don't want this to become work. I want this to still be an outlet and a place I can go when what I'm experiencing as a single mom is relevant. I may not post every night, but you can bet your ass that a two and half year project will not simply cease. And who knows, maybe I'll change the name from "Project 365" to "100 Days with Peanut and Big E."

I will actually not be posting a photo tonight. My boys and I were too lazy to take pictures. But we did have a great weekend, lounging around in pjs, baking cookies and watching movies for the past two days.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 97 - Decisions, Decisions......

2010-11-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

As I draw closer to my 100th post, I've found myself contemplating ending my "project" there. I honestly, feel like I have gone a great deal farther than I ever thought I would. I guess that goes against my optimistic views, haha. But honestly speaking, I never thought I would consistently post every night (with the exception of that one night).

Material is easy to come by with two boys and I have a massive vault of photos to choose from. I think my biggest challenge comes on days when single parenthood has wiped me out. I have only four nights a week with my boys. I usually spend as much quality time with them as I can and therefore, I put off posting until after they're in bed. Of course, I usually pass out with them which requires me to wake up dazed and confused around 11:30. I stumble down stairs, because I have a commitment to keep damn it. And I'm not going to let myself down.

I love posting. I love having a digital journal that I can actually print and maybe one day, my boys will want to read it. I love connecting with other single parents. I love reading comments from dear friends that encourage my every move. But when something starts to feel like it's becoming work rather than a creative outlet or a passion, then I usually take that as my cue to move on.

I haven't made my decision yet. I may stick this thing out for the next 265 days. But if I do decide to move in a different direction, I will not be disappointed in myself. 100 days is a lot of days. And if I decide to write once a week, I think I may give myself the opportunity to be more creative and more insightful.

Stand by......

97 of 365: One of my all-time favorites...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 96 - And the Weekend of "Nothing" Begins...

2010-11-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

I honestly think that I should have been a detective. Maybe I was a detective in a former life or something. Because I love a juicy case to solve. You know I work for a law firm, but not a criminal defense attorney or assistant D.A. It's a real estate firm, so not much investigating opportunity there. But every now and then I get a sweet dilemma or mystery that needs figuring out. And today was one of those days. Of course, I cannot go into detail about the merits of the case. I love my job too much to risk anything of the sort. But I will say that today was just one of those days that my former life crossed paths with my present one.

Tonight my boys and I started our weekend of "nothing" with a little Mickey D's (what!... no cooking is ok on the weekend of "nothing"), a little Scooby Doo Haunted House, an overly long session of sorting plastic dinosaurs and finally a Ben 10 marathon. But somewhere in the middle of all that, my boys wanted me to take pictures of them close-up. Ok.... I lie. I wanted to take pictures of them. But they always happily indulge me.

96+ of 365: faces.......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 95 - Quality Time.....

2010-11-04T18:49:00.000-07:00

I cannot begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to this weekend. This will be the first one without a million plans AND my first weekend home in several weeks. Needless to say, I am super behind with house stuff, but I will be taking full advantage of every second I have with just my babies. I love family time and birthday parties and school functions. But I also love quiet weekends where the three of us are in charge of our schedule and we have no where we have to be.

95 of 365: Quality time is absolutely priceless.....

Pumpkin patch at age four

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 94 - Welcome Home Mama.....

2010-11-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

Traveling is tough. Especially when its one quick night and all the pillows in youe hotel room are down pillows.

94 of 365: But I did get to come home to lots of candy and my sweet babies...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 93 - business trips....

2010-11-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

I don't love flying. But yesterday, my boss called me into her office and asked if I could join her and the partners on a one night business trip. I certainly was not going to say "no". Even if it does mean that I have to go one extra day without seeing my boys. Hopefully they will understand. Success in my career is success for them too. I work hard so that I can provide for them the way they deserve. Even if it means flying when I don't love flying.

I'm in a decent hotel but with no wifi. So I am entering this semi-post through my iPhone therefore no photo tonight. See you guys with an update tomorrow hopefully.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 92 - The Power of Positive Relationships....

2010-11-01T17:33:00.001-07:00

This weekend was one of those amazing weekends that you just want to freeze in your brain for the rest of your life. I can't begin to tell you how much I love spending joyous times with my boys. And this weekend was no exception. And I was able to do it with the boys' father in a harmonious fashion. Which always makes things easier.

As a single parent you realize that your relationships with the people around you are extremely important. You need certain support levels that you might not seek as a married couple or dual parent household. I lean on my parents for a great deal of support and therefore I always make sure our relationship is in check. Which doesn't take much effort. My parents have always been major supporters of me and I will always be eternally grateful for that.

I also lean on my friends for their ears and their shoulders when things get rough and I need someone outside my regular "go to" mama. It takes a little more effort keeping those relationships in check because the work needed on both sides of the equation can become harder with busy schedules and differing lifestyles. But I always do my part and my friends are amazing for doing theirs.

Being able to have a "harmonious (as I earlier put it) relationship with the boys' father can take a little more effort than all of the above, but it is one of the most important relationships I have to focus on. I know that there are so many people out there who wear the "single parent" name tag that don't have the level of harmony with their former significant others as I have with mine. Of course, I'm not going to lie and say that everything between us is great, because if it were, well, I wouldn't actually be writing this right now. I would be back in my home with my boys at this very moment. There are many things that we disagree on. Some of them having to do with how we raise our children, but most of them having to do with our own personal relationship with each other.

And even though we may never see eye to eye again on our feelings about our marriage or ourselves, we will always bring forth a harmonious front for our children. And the "front" will never be faked or forced. We love spending time with them and we love making them happy. We weren't able to do it together as husband and wife, but we know we have the opportunity to do it together as friends and parents. I will always hold on to that and appreciate the fact that we are strong enough and mature enough to agree at least on that.

This weekend we, as a team, enjoyed a day at Six Flags with the boys, and then another day planning and hosting their birthday party. I had fun. He had fun. And most importantly.... the boys had fun. We will never agree on everything, but we will always love our boys.

92 of 365: Here's to you, Batman and Robin!!!

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 91 - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!....

2010-10-31T19:20:00.000-07:00

Another successful Birthday / Halloween weekend for the books!!

91 + of 365: Happy Birthday my sweet boys. Once again, we had an amazing time celebrating with you!

Good Night All!

Project 365: day 90 - Apologies....

2010-10-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

So I guess I have to start out with an apology. Not necessarily to you. You probably don't care that I missed a days post. But I do need to apologize to myself for faltering on a commitment I made to post everyday for a year. But hell...... Who am I kidding? I'm a single mom who was damn exhausted last night and passed out at 9 with her son. If I miss a post once every 90 days, I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

All I want to say now? HAPPY BiRTHDAY BOYS!!!!!! Mama loves you more than you wil ever know!

90 of 365: Unfortunately blogger is having issues again allowing a photo. I will revise tomorrow.

Good night all!

Project 365: Day 89 - Preparing for the Weekend.....

2010-10-28T19:17:00.001-07:00

The next few days are going to be hectic, hectic, hectic. But I'm totally looking forward to all of it. Tomorrow - Fall Carnival at boys' school. Saturday - heading to Six Flags for the boys' birthday. Sunday - Halloween and the boys' birthday party! You won't hear a whole lot from me in words, but the pictures will come!

89 of 365: Brothers and Best Friends....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 88 - "It's sometimes difficult to think clearly when you're strapped to a printing press." - Batman

2010-10-27T18:25:00.001-07:00

Having a birthday the day before Halloween forever sentences you to a life of Halloween costume birthday parties. I even vowed that this year I would not do a Halloween party for their birthday. They wanted a Batman theme party. They've talked about it and planned it for the past six months.

So, when I told their dad that we would have their "non-halloween" birthday party on their actual birthday, the 30th, he surprised me by disagreeing. Normally he just goes with the flow without much of an opinion when it comes to things like that. But not this year. He really wanted to have their birthday on Halloween. Not because he just loves this holiday, much to the contrary actually. He won't even dress up no matter how many times I begged him over the years. No, he just said that he likes the idea of the boys having all their friends there to go trick or treating with them. It was actually hard for me to disagree.

But I did stand my ground on one crucial point. This would NOT be a Halloween themed party with spiders hanging from the ceiling, lighted pumpkins everywhere, pumpkin shaped birthday cakes, or ghost covered paper lanterns scattered about. Nope. This is going to be a Batman party. Invitations, paper products, treat bags and even the boys themselves will be based on the classic super heroes.

We were going to make it a "family" affair with Big E as Robin, Peanut as Batman, myself as Batgirl or Robinette, and the dad as the Joker (quite fitting as the bad guy, huh? Of course, getting him in it would be a whole 'nother battle). So, the family cartoon would have been great. Unfortunately, I'm not in the tramping mood this year and therefore feel it is inappropriate for a 37 year old mom to wear the hoochy mama costumes they have the nerve to advertise as Batgirl or Robinette. Honestly, the Batgirl costume is not sooo bad, but they make it out of some cheap looking patent pleather that looks more like something I would wear to a fetish bar than to a child's birthday party. And Robinette? Yeah, it has "holy horny, Batman!" written all over it. Not gonna happen.

So what did I opt for? Well, it had to be something that was child appropriate, figure forgiving, and possibly suitable for work (in case I get lucky enough that they allow dressing up this year). So I settled on a super cute Hobo Clown number I actually found at Wal-Mart. And it's not the dumpy oversized hobo that your mom made you wear in elementary school. It's really very cute and figure flattering to boot! And yes, pictures will be shared following the holiday.

So, while I may have won the battle on Batman favors over Halloween cupcakes, I will forever lose the war within myself in which I surrender to wear a costume. How could I ever turn myself down??

88 (a,b,c) of 365: A family that Halloweens together stays together.....

Pictures from the boys' 3rd Halloween themed Birthday party......

Gorgeous mom as a dark fairy...

Awesome dad as the best Batman ever...

Me as a witch (without my hat) and the sweetest sister in the world as a pirate.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 87 - Where are you?......

2010-10-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

A great deal can happen to a person in five years. I look back five years ago and wonder "could I have ever imagined being where I am today?" And the answer, of course, is no. But I guess every person on the face of the earth can say the same thing. No matter how much you try to plan for your life, it just doesn't work that way.

I was blessed to be introduced to two amazing boys five years ago. With them came unimaginable love and understanding that I didn't even know I was capable of feeling. Love is an obvious choice of words. But understanding? You may ask why I chose that particular word. The problems in my marriage didn't start a year ago when I decided to move out or even four years ago when I decided to start taking anti-anxiety medication. Our problems started long before these two amazing children entered our lives. They started before the idea of children even came into play.

So why did I stay for so long in a relationship that was bound to end up this way? I don't usually try to ask myself that question. Because to ask would be to discredit "their" existence. It doesn't matter anymore what happened or when it happened or why it happened. All that matters is that I did stay and thankful for that I will always be. That is what I understand.

I am a firm believer that things happen for reason. I know. I know. What a cliche. But isn't it true? Can't you look at your own life, and the circumstances that came to be because of decisions you made at some point or another, and say "hey, that happened for this reason?" The place in which we stand today exists because of the road we chose to take, for better or for worse. And the "reason" may not be something we can see clearly right now, but it will come into our view sooner or later. That is what I understand.

I started seeing clearly five years ago. And although my present situation may not be the ideal one, I know that the what, when and why doesn't matter except to show me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. That is what I understand.

This weekend I will celebrate the day that God opened my eyes five years ago. They are the reason for every road I have chosen to travel down my entire life. Those choices didn't start the day I married their father. Those choices started long before I even met him. That is what I understand.

87 of 365: Everything in my life happened for this reason:

Boys 4th Birthday

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 86 - Mondays....

2010-10-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big fan of Mondays.

86 of 365: But I am huge fan of them......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 85 - A Perfect Weekend.....

2010-10-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

I am home from the weekend at my parent's. The house is quiet and will be until Tuesday night. I have too many bags to unpack and too much laundry to do. So I'm going to keep it short tonight. I had a great weekend and I slept far too much (who knew prescription cough syrup had Hydrocodone in it???) My mom was awesome by letting me sleep almost the entire weekend. My dad was so precious for washing my car! And my sister was the best play date to the boys.

It's going to be tough not going back every single weekend.

85 (+) of 365: a perfect weekend....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 84 - Mimi Blogger....

2010-10-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

I like to walk with Mimi.

Her steps are short like mine.

She doesn't say "Now hurry up."

She always takes her time.

I like to walk with Mimi.

Her eyes see things like mine do.

Wee pebbles bright, a funny cloud,

And hidden drops of dew.

Most people have to hurry.

They do not stop and see.

I'm glad that God made Mimi,

Unrushed and young like me.

My grandkids wrote this poem for me. Well, it was really Raina Paina. She wanted to change it up a bit tonight and, well.... I've never blogged before. By the way - I'm Mimi, guest writer for Day 84 - my one and only appearance.

What a wonderful weekend at Mimi's house. And we all know..... What happens at Mimi's........ stays at Mimi's.

84 of 365: Pumpkin carvin' with Mimi and PaPaw.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 83 - Family Roast...

2010-10-22T18:16:00.001-07:00

I have to say that this evening is one of the most enjoyable evenings I've had in a very long time. We decided that, since the boys' dad was going to be out of town this weekend and I would get the joy of having my babies until Sunday night, we would spend the weekend with Mimi and PaPaw and Aunt C. Of course the boys love any excuse to head west and, well, I do too. It's crazy how preparing the three of us to spend the weekend at the grandparents is almost like packing up for a month long road trip. This morning I left the house with a total of five bags. One for my clothes, one for the boys' clothes, one for my computer and camera stuff, one for food I wanted to bring and one for miscellaneous items I either needed to return to mom or flat out give to her. I'm amazed I even remembered the boys with all the stuff packed in the back of the car.

After arriving, Dad and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few various items, but most importantly the marshmallows! Daddy spent the afternoon getting the fire pit set up and wood chopped so that we could all roast marshmallows surrounding a warm fire under a full moon. And boy was that moon amazing. Bright and beautiful and almost close enough to touch. It lit up the swing set perfectly providing just enough light to encourage the boys higher and higher.

I'm still recovering from my bizarre bout of pneumonia, but it didn't stop me from laughing until the muscles in my stomach burned and I thought I would cough up a lung. Mom, Dad, sister and myself all sat back as Peanut and Big E provided an endless amount of entertainment, sneaking up behind us in the darkness, giggling and whispering and then jumping out at us with a loud roar and infectious laugh. Of course, we pretended to be scared out of our pants and that just made them want to do it over and over again.

Peanut and Big E were not totally into roasting the marshmallows and once they were done swinging by moonlight and scaring our pants off, they retreated back to the house and Dad joined them to rest on the couch. My mom, sister and I stayed out in the cool fall air, poked the fire to higher flames and talked of scary movies. I hate horror flicks myself, but my mom and sister love them. Funny how talking about things like blood and guts and cutting your own foot off to live (yeah, apparently from the movie Saw) can turn into the most enjoyable laughter I've experienced in a very long time.

The air was cold and the fire was warm and we all smelled like camp smoke and my stomached ached from laughter and I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. Tomorrow we hunt for pumpkins and maybe we can add a little chocolate to the marshmallows at tomorrow night's roast.

83 of 365: I am sad that I left my camera cable on my kitchen counter, otherwise I would have a wonderful family campfire photo to share. But I am happy that, instead, you have the pleasure of enjoying mom's sexy boots and sexy legs. Seriously mom......... S-E-X-Y!

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 82 - Dope and Dinosaurs...

2010-10-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

After a conversation with my mom this morning on my way to drop the boys off at school, I decided to go see the doctor. I had actually started feeling much better. But the lingering cough worried my mom and in turn worried me. So after leaving the school, I headed over to see the doc. After he found out my fever had gotten so high and then listened to my chest, he ordered a chest X-ray. Luckily he said my chest looked clear, but he was pretty certain that I did not have the flu earlier this week, but rather a bout of pneumonia. WTH???!!

I mean pneumonia's a pretty big word and not something you usually hear in such a nonchalant fashion. It was as casual as if he were telling my tag was sticking out of the back of my shirt . "Yeah, I'm pretty certain you had pneumonia. But you're a pretty fit and healthy young lady." What? Those two sentences don't even go together. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't people die from pneumonia? I mean I'm sure their pneumonia was FAR worse than mine, but still......

So he wrote two prescriptions, which I promptly got filled immediately upon leaving his office. Once the drugs were in my hand, I then promptly fled to my car where I cried over how much they cost. I'm not kidding. I literally cried. So much so that the people passing by my car must have thought my cat died or something. But I gained my composure and carried on with my day, telling myself these damn drugs better work.

It is now 9 pm and I feel great! Yes, I know I've only had one dose, but I honestly feel better. Maybe it's because I feel like I conquered a serious illness without evening knowing I was at battle with it. Maybe it's because I'm kinda doped up right now. Or maybe it's because I'm thoroughly enjoying my view.

82 of 365: Seriously...... this cuteness can cure any ailment......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 81 - Dreaming of Bald Men.....

2010-10-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

The toughest part about being so sick for the past couple of days was not the over 102 degree temperature, it wasn't the cold chills and back aches, not the fact that I couldn't breathe, or the severe lack of sleep. Nope. The toughest part was having to go one extra day without seeing my children. Usually they are back in my arms by Tuesday afternoon. But the risk was far too great. So with dad they stayed. I still haven't gotten used to my three childless nights, and throwing one more in the mix is uber tough. But I knew it was for the best. Hell, I was so sick I didn't know what time it was let alone what day it was.

But today, I woke up a new woman. Almost. I would say I'm back to 80%. And compared to 36 hours ago, that IS a new woman. The last 20% will consist of being able to fully breathe through my nose. I HATE sleeping with my mouth open. That is the worst gummiest feeling ever!

So thank you to all my well wishing friends. And to my parents, who I think were slightly disappointed they couldn't come take care of me. I am just happy to have my babies back in my overly sanitized arms and a house that smells like Mr. Clean. Now if only that big bald man would just jump out of the picture and do some serious cleaning in this house, I would say 110% could be on the horizon.

A girl can dream.......

81 of 365: Happiness is naturally feeling high as a kite...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 80 - Mamas and Babies....

2010-10-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

When babies get sick, the first and only thing they want is their mama. Moms take care of us like no one else can. They provide the love and nurturing a child needs when nothing else works. And I will be the first to say that when we get sick, we need our mamas no matter what our age. For the past couple of days I have been battling the flu and my precious mom has begged me to let her come stay with me to take care of me. And although I would love nothing more than my mama to come do what she does best, I knew I couldn't risk getting her sick too. But I sure do love her and daddy for offering to risk their own health just to come take care of their baby girl.

Being sick as a single parent is very different. You wouldn't really think anything of it, until it happens. When there are two parents in the house, you at least have one taking care of the other. But when you are alone, you just have yourself. I am truly thankful that they boys' daddy is taking care of them until I get well. There is one benefit to this living situation and that is at least I'm not exposing my boys to whatever crappyness I'm suffering from right now. But even still, it adds a level sadness to be in a house all by yourself when you're so sick. You have no one to bring you juice or medicine or cook you soup or grilled cheese. And when you feel as terrible as I have, the thought of getting up and doing it yourself is, at times, unthinkable.

I know that my parents offered to come take care of me and if I wake up tomorrow feeling the same way, I might have to take them up on it. But I think I'm on the road to recovery. The fever is gone and I can actually breath through one nostril. Let's hope this sticks throughout the night. I have no choice but to be positive that it will.

80 of 365: Babies need Mamas.........

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 79 - Feelin' Pretty Good... Wait, What??..

2010-10-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

About three weeks ago, I got the flu shot. Before kids, I never got the flu shot. But with them in school around other sick kids and the fact that we do get the boys' their shots, I knew it as the smart choice to get poked myself. And lucky for me, my company provided the shots for us this year. I guess they would rather pay the $25 each for the shot than pay the insurance premiums and the paid time off when their employees call in sick with the flu. Makes sense to me.

Today I came home from the office with a 102.3 fever. What the hell!!!???? I started feeling a little under the weather yesterday, runny nose and coughing. As today went on, I got slowly, but most definitely worse. And by the time I dragged myself up the stairs of my house, I knew this wasn't a good sign. So I pulled down the boy's ear thermometer and as I placed it in my ear, the things was beeping before I even hit the button. It's the kind that gives out this alert beep notifying you of a fever without even having to look at the numbers. But when I read the numbers 102.3, I was shocked. I can't even remember the last time my temperature was that high. The shot was supposed to protect me from the flu, not give it to me!!!

So, how am I up at 11 typing my blog entry, you ask??? I'm drunk on NyQuil. You think I'm kidding......

79 of 365: There are two kinds of photos that are my favorite: my boys sleeping and my boys in costumes. It's a rare treat to get them both at the same time... Nite nite Spiderman and Buzz....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 78 - Creativity..

2010-10-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys. Tonight is going to be a lazy night for me.

78 of 365: Peanut is two in this shot and he truly personifies the art of sleeping anywhere....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 77 - Thrifty Ideas.....

2010-10-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

So I had a revelation tonight. For years I have shopped thrift stores for my kids. With twins, looking for money saving ideas is always a must. When I found out that I could trade in their clothes at the local Kid to Kid thrift shop I was elated! So now, every season I take in their old clothes and trade them in for a whole new wardrobe. It is a huge money saver and my kids would probably have to wear the same outfit two or three a times a week if I had not started this trend.

So why, I ask myself, could the same not apply to me? And therein lies my revelation. Tonight I started a new addiction. I found this great thrift shop down the street from my home and it's not just for kids! I walked in not knowing really what to expect. Probably crappy worn out clothes that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. But much to my surprise, I couldn't have been more wrong. Rows and rows of slightly worn clothing lay out in front of me and I knew I was in for a real treasure hunt. Brand names were plentiful and some items still have the original tags on them.

Yes, the clothing was organized by color and season and type. And there was no division by size, but flipping through hanger after hanger created an excitement I wasn't expecting. These weren't off brands you'd never heard of. These were BCBG, Kenneth Cole, Express, Gap, Banana Republic, and the list goes on and on. Of course, you definitely came across clothes that looked like they came from 18 seasons ago or the quadruple extra large that you could fit six of yourself in, but mostly I would wear this stiff.

And I'm a window shopper. A therapy I took to a long time ago, but it calms me to sift through hundreds of items just to find that one magnificent piece. And what's great about this particular thrift shop is that it isn't one of your high end thrift shops that still have pricey tags. These are great finds under five dollars. I bought a spiderman shirt for the boys for $1.29. I found an Old Navy sweater for my sister with the original tag still attached. And a Kenneth Cole skirt for myself that looked like it had never been worn.

As a single parent, this is a gem of a find. This economy is hitting everyone hard and I no longer have the luxury of a dual income family. The days of mall shopping are well behind me. But the thrift store experience is a change I welcome with open arms.

77 of 365: Tonight's little treasure finds.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 76 - Harsh Truths....

2010-10-15T18:10:00.001-07:00

The honesty and innocence of children amaze me. Their words ring true without a hint of hesitation. For hesitation is only something we learn as we get older and we realize that sometimes truths are not as gentle as we hope them to be. So we have to tread lightly when speaking words of pure honesty because we know those honest words may be falling on sensitive ears.

I know that most mothers can relate to the random, and often all too loud, "mama, why is her face so bumpy" or "her pants look like an elephant." My own first personal experience came from my younger brother. 12 years my junior, when I was in high school he was barely out of the toddler years. These seem to be the pinnacle years when such "slips" of honesty occur. We were at the hair salon and he loudly exclaimed, "Your hair is white on top and black in the middle!" If you couldn't guess, he was referring to my dark roots.......and he made sure the entire salon knew it. Mortified teenage I instantly became.

So far I have been lucky that my kids have not embarrassed me to the point of full on retreat. Actually the only incident that comes to mind happened in the waiting room at the pediatric dentist and there was this nice looking gentleman sitting across from me and Peanut. And for whatever reason, my Peanut lifted his hand, pointed his tiny finger at said nice gentleman and he yelled "Look mama. He is black!" Now, calling a black person black is not anything a person should be worried about. My children have black friends and discussing the differences between the races was not a discussion we have ever had, because I didn't think it was necessary.

So Peanut exclaiming this truth loud and proud shouldn't have prompted anything from me. But my foot was determined to enter my mouth whether I wanted it to or not. As I gently pulled Peanut's hand down from his solid pointing gesture, I gently said "yes honey, some people are black and some people are white. There are people of all colors in the world and....." He abruptly cut me off and replied "No mama, the doggy is black." There was a picture above gracious black man's head of......... well...... yes...... a black dog.

Hmmmm. Yeah, nothing to say there.

76 of 365: Peanut, maybe your hand should have been over mama's mouth.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 75 - Milk is Not Just for Drinking....

2010-10-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Children handle boo boos very differently. At least my children do. If Peanut falls down and gets hurt, he immediately jumps up, lets out this horrific wail and then he's done. It takes about two seconds. He is able to brush it off fairly quickly without the need of any significant babying. Big E on the other will milk a boo boo for all its worth.

Just tonight, he came up to me and indicated that he needed a band aid on his wrist. Upon closer inspection, it appeared that he somehow got a bruise right at the base of his palm. I think he must have popped a tiny vessel or something like that. Regardless, he wasn't bleeding, but he insisted on a band aid. So, being the loving mother I am, I tenderly obliged. To most moms, there is nothing about this story that seems out of the ordinary. But in my world, milking it goes to a new level.

As Big E walked away, after I gently applied his band aid to his wrist, he was limping.

75 of 365: Poor baby. I may have to carry him to bed over this one.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 74 - Characters.....

2010-10-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

This week's character.

74 of 365: Golf or Vader? Which should I tackle today??

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 73 - Chef Wanted.....

2010-10-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

I wish I could cook. I really like cooking, but I'm not creative and have to follow the recipe explicitly. And even though I don't have the time to cook and I don't have the time to be creative, I still manage to collect cook books. The pictures are so enticing that I tell myself, "ok this is the one. This is the book that changes it all." And of course, said cookbook sits in a pretty little corner of my kitchen collecting dust.

But still, I really wish I could have that drive to just walk through the door after a long day of work (and pulling multiple muscles in my back and shoulder trying to keep each child on "his" side of the car while sitting in traffic) and whip up some fantastic meal that both me and my boys love. I would feel proud that I could cook something so wonderful. I would be elated that my boys couldn't get enough. And I would be satisfied that my children are getting a nutritious, well balanced meal. Instead, I run through the door, turn on the oven, change clothes while it preheats, separate the boys from whatever fight they're having, and throw in whatever frozen concoction we decide on that night. It's really sad. And I feel guilty.

I try to read the articles about "easy meals for moms" and "quick and healthy", but nothing seems to stick. I'm either overly pressed for time or my kids wrinkle up their noses as if I asked them to eat a live snake. So the rare time I do try to be a "real" mom and cook "real" food, it usually goes uneaten and I end up throwing together two ham and cheese sandwiches.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm seriously asking for some feedback tonight. Please tell me what works for you. do you cook all day Sunday and freeze everything for the week? Do you cook a really wonderful meal, but only every other night during the week? How do you handle even the pickiest child?

I just need to hire chef. Anyone looking for a job? The pay is minimal and the kids are super impatient. But the joy of knowing you helped a talentless cook in need and prevented the future bad eating habits of two great kids would be priceless!!

73 of 365: Another pic that has nothing to do with the post. Whatever....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 72 - 100 Things About Me.....

2010-10-12T04:44:00.000-07:00

So I saw this post from another blogger a while back and thought it would be a neat thing to work on. Can I come up with 100 details about myself??? Let's see:

1. I like beer. (First thing to come to mind 'cause I'm drinking one right now)

2. I have imaginary conversations with people often.

3. I have imaginary conversations with myself even more.

4. I think this might be because of the beer. (note to self - don't drink and type)

5. I live in Atlanta.

6. Well, I live in a suburb of Atlanta (but doesn't everybody?)

7. I prefer the mountains over the beach.

8. I have a low tolerance to heat.

9. Hence number 7.

10. I have twin boys.

11. My grandmother has twins boys.

12. Apparently that is hereditary.

13. I am currently separated.

14. My soon-to-be-ex and I are still very good friends.

15. I always feel the need to follow #13's statement with #14. ????

16. I have competed in two sprint triathlons.

17. I believe that "competed" is such a strong word.

18. I have completed two sprint triathlons.

19. I enjoy running very much.

20. I hated running when I was younger.

21. I have completed one marathon.

22. Sometimes when I'm walking down a long hallway, I have the sudden urge to do a cartwheel.

23. I'm not very good at cartwheels.

24. I like tattoos.

25. I have a few myself.

26. I'm not a big drinker, but I really craved beer when I was pregnant. Weird, I know.

27. I can't drink red wine.

28. The smell of vinegar makes my gag reflex go insane.

29. I'm relatively patient and overly optimistic about life.

30. I try to see problems from all sides.

31. I like to think that is what has helped me have a good relationship with my STBE.

32. Of course, I still get pissed sometimes, b/c I KNOW I'm right!

33. I am very impulsive.

34. I cut my own hair.

35. I have very curly hair, so now one knows the difference if I make a mistake.

36. I color my own hair, too. See? Impulsive. When I want something, I want it right then, before the moment passes.

37. I have a terrible memory.

38. Maybe that's why I'm so impulsive. I better do it right then or else I'll forget that I wanted it in the first place.

39. Because of my awful memory, I try to write down every time my boys say something really funny.

40. I think "Mama, my butt is all out of air" is my favorite one of all!

41. My parents were divorced when I was about two or three.

42. I was raised by my father and a wonderful step-mother (but don't tell her I called her that....)

43. There are only about 5 baby pictures of me.

44. I have literally thousands of pictures of my boys and they are only four.

45. They might be traumatized about that when they get older.

46. I have two brothers and one sister.

47. I am a co-middle child, but i have no complex about it whatsoever.

48. My youngest brother always got away with murder. (I know that's not about me, but still....)

49. I am very close to my siblings and my parents.

50. They all drive me crazy.

51. Wow, I just passed 50 and I'm exhausted. What......that's a fact, so it counts.....

52. I'm still not used to going days without my boys.

53. After having my boys alone for four days, I'm ready for a little break.

54. Yes, I can have my cake and eat it too.

55. I'm on day 72 of my project.

56. I love this project, because it forces me to journal my life in a way that I wouldn't have done so before.

57. This project is hard because it forces me to come up with material every single day.

58. I don't think my life is very interesting.

59. But it is very full (thank you boys).

60. I'm a nail biter.

61. Quitting smoking does not help curb the nail biting.

62. Smoking is grosser than nail biting.

63. I started smoking because my boyfriend smoked.

64. That was pretty stupid of me.

65. I quit smoking because my mom quit.

66. That was pretty smart of me.

67. I also quit smoking for the most obvious and important reason, my boys.

68. I love watching my boys engage in deep conversations with one another.

69. I also love when they engage in deep conversation with me.

70. I always wanted boys.

71. I never thought I could handle a teenage me.

72. I have been in the same profession for 14 years.

73. Growing up, I wanted to be a writer or Stevie Nicks.

74. I get the most compliments on my blue eyes.

75. I'm legally blind in one of them.

76. It would take a whole post to explain why.

77. I'm a very just person.

78. I believe in rules and people following them.

79. I have a degree in sociology.

80. I majored in human services and minored in criminal justice.

81. I work for a law firm. (seems fitting)

82. I can't type without looking at the keyboard.

83. But I can type very fast.

84. I love being a couch potato sometimes.

85. But I don't like laziness.

86. I hate scary movies. Really hate them.

87. I love British romantic comedies.

88. I love period films even more.

89. The last film I saw at the movies was Eat, Pray, Love.

90. Not as good as the book.

91. This year I've read four books.

92. That is a record for me.

93. I'm trying to teach my boys the joy that comes from reading.

94. Kind of hard when I just figured it out myself.

95. I want my boys to always feel secure.

96. I know that will always be hard because they shuffle between their parents.

97. Being a single parent is the hardest things I've ever done.

98. Being a happy single parent makes me proud.

99. I hope that my boys are proud of their mama.

100. I like to think they are.

72 of 365: Just a shot I like....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 71 - Unwelcomed Guests....

2010-10-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am finally able to say good bye to the monster living in front of my house. For three months he took up residence at my front door. And I was too paralyzed to kill him. He wigged me out terribly, so I couldn't ever get close enough to whack at him.

But now, thanks to a friend, he is gone.

71 of 365: Good bye big red hairy monster. I'm gonna miss how you kept everyone away from my house. Maybe it's not such a good thing you're gone.

Good Night All!

Project 356: Day 70 - Tattoo-A-Go-Go...

2010-10-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I have to begin this post with an apology. We passed out last night around 8:30 due to the fun-filled day with kids. Sorry to miss a day's post, but I will provide two today to get back on track......

About 15 years ago, my mom, my best friend and myself went to get a tattoo. I don't remember the conversations that lead up to actually going to get them, but we went together. my mom got a beautiful flower on her shoulder. My best friend, hearts on her hip. And me? Well, I ended up with what is now called the tramp stamp. Ok, in my defense, it was NOT called that 15 years ago. I have the sun in the middle of my lower back. I like my sun. I got it to show that it is always sunny somewhere. And that the sun will ALWAYS be on my back no matter what I may be going through.

And then a year and a half ago, while I was in my "crazy" stage, I went back to the tattoo salon and had them permanently affix thirteen stars in a scattered pattern down my right side under my arm. There was no real reason why I chose what I did except that I thought it looked really cool and the only significance they have in my life would be that stars don't always have to align perfectly to have a good life. I don't know. I kinda made it up on the way to the tattoo salon.

Regardless of what they mean to me or why I got them, I am happy that I did. I wouldn't change them except to go back and make them more elaborate. I've thought about adding my boys names to the stars and maybe a little color. But regardless, I am happy with them.

So my sister, whose birthday was last week, has wanted me to take her to get one for years now. I usually talked her out of it by making her fearful of the pain. I just wasn't sure if she could handle it. I mean this is the girl that shows off all her tiny scratches and bruises as if they were massive war wounds and tells about how they hurt. So, did I think she could handle the pain of the constant needle? Hell no. But this weekend I decided that it was no longer up to me determine if she could handle it or not. And it was no longer my place to tell her that she couldn't. It was never my place to begin with.

When I got to her place this weekend, I told her that if she was ready then I was ready to take her. I could tell she was nervous driving to the salon, picking at the paint on her nails and not talking too much. We arrived and had to look through their books to see if they had the perfect dolphin to place on her shoulder. I always knew she would get a dolphin. It goes beyond obsession. But it's cute. So we found the right one and they walked us back to Brian's station. Her nerves were still present as she stumbled a little getting situated in the chair and she stumbled again getting her shirt just right. But the nerves were most present in me, as I stumbled asking if she was ok, telling her she's gonna do fine, admitting to Brian that I know I' more nervous than she is, but that she was my baby sister and I couldn't help it. He was gracious and let out a small giggle and assured that he understood.

When it was all over, I couldn't have been more proud of her. (hell I really wasn't sure if I was more relieved that she made it through it or that I made it through it). But it was done and she was happy. And I was happy for her. Brian rocked out the cutest dolphin and baby sis was no longer a tattoo virgin.

70 of 365: The Blue Dolphin....

Good Day All!

Project 365: Day 69 - Sleepover....

2010-10-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

Help!!! I'm trapped at Mimi's with a nine year old, a five year old and 3 four year olds!! The boys are having a sleep over with their cousins. And some how I volunteered to stay too. What the hell was I thinking??!!

I totally kid, of course. Everyone is having a great time. It's 10 o'clock and they are all starting to move in slow motion. They hit the ground running as soon as they got here and the excitement is hopefully catching up with them now. Four boys and one girl. G I Joe and painting nails. Play Dough and chocolate chip cookies. My little men love when they get to spend time with their cousins. Probably because the nine year old knows how to get them to the next level in the video games.

I enjoy spending time with my brother's kids, too. We don't get to see them all that often, so i jumped at the chance to lose my mind just a little. Not quite sure where everyone is going to sleep. I'm hoping I can hide in the living room on the couch. Or I may have to bunk with my sister just so I can have a room I can lock myself in. Not quite sure if I'm kidding about that one.

Then tomorrow will be a day filled with festivals and food. And the kids actually won't be with us. I'm taking my sister to do whatever she wants. She had a recent birthday and we're going out, just the two of us.

All in all, it's gonna be a good weekend.

69 of 365: Cousins in a wagon....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 68 - Family Portraits....

2010-10-08T03:06:00.000-07:00

I picked my children up from school today and they both wanted to take me to their art wall. There were masterpieces I just had to see! Big E's was, of course, super hero related. He had a portrait of each of us and he said we were all heros and we had to fight the rain that was coming down on our heads. Cute.

Peanut had a more subdued family portrait. House in the middle. Mama and Daddy on one side of the house and Peanut and his brother on the other. There was rain in this photo too, drawn creatively by a single horizontal line straight across the top and then various vertical lines, much smaller, pouring from that longer line. I thought it was interesting. But more interesting, was the fact that Peanut drew me "big hair". And he was proud of the fact that he gave me said big hair. I asked why and his answer was quite simply: You have big hair Mama.

68 of 365: Really???.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 67 - What do You Want to be When You Grow Up??....

2010-10-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder what your kids will be like as adults? I have had the same image in my mind for the past few years. You already know that my twin boys are as opposite as humanly possible. I don't foresee much changing as they grow into men.

My image of their adulthood is quite specific. Because of his need to be well-dressed and his meticulous nature, Big E will most likely hold some corporate position, finance in nature and carry around a laptop (or whatever they may have in 20 or so years). It will either be that or, because of his love of costumes and music, a spot on Broadway. Either of which he will be tremendously successful. Peanut, on the other hand, will be a Matthew McConaughey type, rugged good looks, usually topless, working in some beach dive possibly in Hawaii or at least Panama City Beach Florida. He will not run the rat race and he will exude a coolness about himself that everyone will envy. He will not care about being successful.

Check back with me in twenty years and let's see how close I got.

Hell, I still have the same grown-up image of myself I've had since I was 8 and her name is Stevie Nicks. Still waiting on that......

67 of 365: Very rare Self Portrait....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 66 - Differences.....

2010-10-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

Big E is in hog heaven now that the cooler weather is here. I've already described his borderline addiction to costumes. When he's not decked out in Spiderman or Robin, he is sure to have his say on his attire. Layers, layers, layers. He's been that way for as long as I can remember. As soon as he discovered he had opinions, I was no longer in charge of what he would wear. The only time I'm ever lucky enough to have control of this little piece of his life is when we have somewhere special we have to go or it's picture day at school. I guess I could just lie and then he would wear what I wanted everyday. Ah, but then I would have to come up with even more lies about why that party got cancelled or how the photographer came down with the flu.

I don't mind it too much, except when what he wants to wear looks absolutely hideous. I've learned over time to shop around his opinions. As long as it doesn't involve blue jeans or button down shirts, I'm usually in the clear. And believe it or not, it IS possible to find cute outfits that don't involve either. And if "track suit" is any where in the description, I golden! I don't love track suits, but it does make me happy that he knows what he likes and he cares about how he dresses. I wonder how much I'm going to like it when he gets even older and his taste gets more expensive? I should probably go ahead and start a "Big E's Wardrobe" savings account.

Or I actually could use the money that I save on Peanut to go towards Big E. That child prefers less clothing. When they were babies, he usually just wore a diaper. And now he's in this only pajama bottoms to bed kick. I think it's cute, but he may realize that's not the best option with this colder weather coming.

I still marvel at their differences. It is truly hard to believe that they are twins most of the time. And, because of their size, I really get some funny looks when people ask how far apart they are in age and I reply "2 minutes." But their differences are a blessing. They are polar opposites and I hope that creates a strong bond as they grow older. Opposites attract, right? Well, let's just hope they don't distance themselves over time because they have nothing in common. Either way, I wouldn't change either one of them for the world. I love that they have different views of the world and I love being able to watch them experience those differences.

65 of 365: The Peanut Man...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 65 - Dating????......

2010-10-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

When you've been emotionally separated from your husband for several years and physically moved out for over nine months, you begin to wonder "when is the right time to start thinking about dating again" I haven't quite figured out the answer to that question yet. I mean technically, can I really date yet? I mean I'm still married. At least in the government's eyes I am. And what kind of problem would that cause? Would he be upset? Would he even care? Would it bother me if he didn't care? And then what about the boys? Would they understand? Would they even notice? Could they accept this new person openly? And, of course, what about the poor sap that wanted to date me? Would he accept not being number one in my eyes? Would he be gracious in patience and give me the space I may need from time to time? Does he understand what I'm going through? i mean really understand? Does he have kids of his own? Does he come with a lunatic ex "other half?" And finally, what about me? Am I ready for this? Could I possibly learn how to go backwards? Would I ever feel comfortable enough to introduce him to my children? Would I ever feel comfortable with him period?

And thats only a fraction of the 673 questions I actually have. How the hell am I going to be able to answer all of them? I guess the bigger question is........ Is it worth it?

You bet your ass is it.

Life is too short to limit love.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 64: A Peanut Skeleton.....

2010-10-03T18:04:00.000-07:00

It is characters night. My weekly entry of love in disguise. Tonight is brought to you courtesy of Peanut. The costume is not too far from the truth. I keep telling him he's skin and bones. The child is the pickiest eater I know. And that's saying a lot coming from me. At least I know where he gets it.

64 of 365: Peanut.... You need to eat more food honey.......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 63 - Girls' Night......

2010-10-02T21:25:00.000-07:00

Starting a new job is always scary. You're the new kid on the block and it can be difficult to start feeling like you're part of the team. It can be even more difficult getting close to anyone you work with. At least close enough to go out and have drinks with. I consider myself a fairly outgoing person, but I still shy away from certain situations. That is until one person from work invited me out for a girls' night. So tonight was my exception.

There are so many great people at my new office. And with it, new opportunities to create new friendships. If I'm being honest, it's one of the reasons I chose to move on in my career in the first place. I knew that it was time for me to expand my horizons and discover relationships that I was not able to in my old job. I have several wonderful friends already, but logistics and distance prevent me from seeing them as often I would like. So the opportunity to go out with some new friends was something I could not pass up. I need the girl time and after nine months in this new town, I was well past due.

So I was invited out tonight for a much needed drink. Two great women from my office, one a semi-single mom and the other a single non-mom, and myself met for wine and great conversation. I'm the oldest of us three, but that didn't matter (although I seem to keep making a deal of it....... whatever.) We talked of relationships and lack thereof. We drank a few bottles of wine (over the whole course of the evening) and ordered the most fattening appetizers on the menu. It was nice enjoying the cool air on the patio of the bar and making plans for our next outings: slumber party, karaoke, and morning after brunch.

After marathon rounds of Star Wars and refereeing of my boys, the wine tasted great. I hope that we keep our plans of hanging out again. I really need to freshen up on my singing abilities.

63 of 365: Thanks ladies for a great evening. (I didn't get permission to use their picture in my blog, but something tells me they won't mind.)

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 62 - Treasures......

2010-10-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight was haircut night for the boys. And yes,, that's one thing I will spend money on in the grooming department. When the boys were younger, we could get away with a buzz cut in the bathroom. But not now. Big E has tremendously think hair with no less than 6 cowlicks. Peanut, on the other hand, has baby fine hair like his mama. I can cut my own hair because it's outrageously curly and if I make a mistake, who's gonna notice? But their hair takes an actual professional.

Great Clips is usually the salon of choice, but I thought we would try something different tonight. There is this super cute children's salon across the street from our place called "Crew Cuts and Pig Tails." The seats are taxi cabs and airplanes. They have a flat screen television between each chair. Tonight's showing was Madagascar. There are specialty toys all around. And child specific hair products (which I wouldn't dare pay the astronomical dollars they were asking for.) But the place was cute and the boys really liked it.

Once the hair cut was complete, they got two rewards: a lollipop and one item of choice from the big treasure chest by the front door. Both boys picked a blue lollipop, which they have always done for as long as I can remember. Then they both raced over to the treasure chest, which was filled to the rim of various toys I would never call crap in front of the boys. But crap it was. I stood back and watched as they marveled over bouncey balls and tattoos, plastic animals and stickers. Once they had finally made their choice, they both walked over to me and held out their hands to show me what they had picked. As each tiny hand flipped over and all tiny fingers opened up, I was taken back to see that they both picked out a ring for me.

62 of 365: Crap I will forever treasure.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 61 - The Art of Grooming.....

2010-09-30T17:13:00.000-07:00

Finding the time to properly groom oneself when one is a single parent can be a daunting task. Good thing I'm not dating because shaving my legs really takes a lot of advance planning. And painting my nails? I'm lucky if I have time to do a quick "brush over" on the weeks old chipped paint still lingering on my toenails. I don't do salons because money prevents me from doing so. Therefore, cutting and coloring my hair has become a self taught art and even that gets put on the back burner for months on end. So it's a good thing I'm not dating because I would probably only be able to go out with said date maybe once a month because that's probably how often I could have all those things done at the same time.

Ah.... the beautiful life of motherhood. It allows us the ability to go to the grocery looking like a slob without a care in the world. I used to have all make-up in order and hair perfectly in place before leaving the house for even the most mundane errands. But now my time is precious and I refuse to spend it primping up for no significant reason. I would rather take a few more minutes dancing with my boys.

Of course, I do still refuse to wear sweat pants (never even owned a pair). And I will also fix my hair before leaving. But until my boys understand what it means to be embarrassed by mom's appearance in public, I'll trade filled in roots for a few extra minutes of hide and seek.

61 of 365: Ok, so I stole a few minutes to paint my nails tonight. Sue me! ;-)

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 60 - Compassion......

2010-09-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

I guess I haven't talked a lot about what type of work I do. I know I've mentioned that I work for a firm, but I guess that could mean a number of things. Well, I work for the obvious, a law firm. No, I'm not an attorney.... never aspired to be one. Although I pretty much do the work of an attorney, I just don't get paid the big bucks. But the trade off is, I don't have to worry about the level of liability that an attorney does.

So, what kind of law you ask? In this economy and from the eyes of the consumer, I guess I work for the worst kind. A real estate firm and more specifically, a default real estate firm. We represent the lenders in the astronomical amounts of foreclosures across the country. Now, if you haven't completely exited my website, let me first say, I don't do this because I love taking the homes of America's most hardshipped families. I do this because, well, to be honest, I kind of stumbled across this path 14 years ago. When I was twenty-three I decided that retail was totally not for me. I couldn't handle one more mom bringing in the kid's clothes she bought three months prior, obviously worn to hell and back and want her money back. And because of the retailer I worked for, we had to oblige. Just sickening.

So at twenty-three I answered an ad in a newspaper for a receptionist job at a law firm. (wait.... did I just give my age away?) Anyway, I interviewed and they offered me the job. I was only the receptionist for about 6 months when a position opened in their foreclosure department. Being the type of person I am and wanting to learn more and maybe "move up in the company", I, well......... moved up. And the rest is history.

14 years later and I have more experience in residential foreclosure than I ever thought imaginable. I can now conduct a foreclosure in three states (not that any of you are going to ask that of me). So why am I telling you this, you ask? I guess because mom bloggers talk a lot about what they're feeling or what they did that day or who pissed them off. Not a lot of them actually tell you something as personal as what kind of work they do. And not many people are quick to jump at the chance of shouting to the world "I'm a foreclosure paralegal!!!!" I'm not ashamed of what I do. I'm not embarrassed by any means. I actually love that I am knowledgeable about something. And I truly love, love, love the people I work with. If I go to work ashamed of what I do or I don't like where I work, then when I'm faced with receiving a phone call from one of those fellow American's facing true hardships, how would I be able to have the level of compassion I would appreciate if I, myself, had to make that phone call? I could be in their shoes in a split second and I need to know that if I had to make that phone call, someone like me would be answering.

We all need a little compassion.

60 of 365: No words can describe how much I love this shot of me and my E.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 59 - The Air is a Changing....

2010-09-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

We have this man made lake in our community and every now and then the boys and I will take some left over bread down to feed the fish and turtles and, in the summer time, the ducks. Of course, the ducks left about a month ago, even though the weather didn't start cooling down until......w ell......... today. But the boys love throwing the bread to the baby fish and baby turtles. It's way cute. My babies feeding other babies. I can't get enough.

And I also can't get enough of this cooler weather. I am sooooo ready for the fall to actually arrive. I love sweaters and boots. And I hate any days over 85 degrees. If I ever have to fill out one of those surveys or even one of the face book "20 things about me" questionnaires, I always answer "mountains over beach." I've just never really loved the beach like other people do. You can only take off so many clothes to cool down. But you can always bundle up more and more to get warm. So am I looking forward to cool nights and changing leaves? You bet your ass I am.

So tonight we took a walk down to the lake and we were decked out in long sleeves and pants, tights and boots. Hopefully you can figure out who wore what. But the air felt amazing and I started looking forward to the trip I'm planning for October. It'll be the first trip with me and my boys and no one else. We're going to eat caramel apples, run through corn mazes, and pick out the best pumpkins. We'll collect colorful leaves and watch the streams roll by. And we may even go for a hay ride or two. This is my favorite time of year and if I'm lucky, maybe that love will rub off on my boys.

59 of 365: The first hug of fall........

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 58 - Ahhhh... Better now....

2010-09-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the headache is finally gone!! Unbelievable! That jerk hung around for almost 24 hours straight. But all is well now.

Funny how, when you feel like crap, you start thinking about all the things you're going to change about how you live (more exercise, no drinking, must eat better, etc. etc. etc.) and then when you're feeling better, you're like, screw that. I'm all better now. I need a drink!

So I'm drinking my wine and looking for a photo to post. I'm glad that I set out my own rules for my Project 365: Otherwise, I would have been taking some very boring pictures just to get one for every day. I actually like the idea of pulling from my archive of photos, because there are some really great ones. Like this one.....

58 of 365: My very own Fire Man......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 57 - Headaches suck.....

2010-09-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a rainy day is a good excuse to do nothing. Normally I would hate wasting an entire day mildewing on the couch watching non-stop movies. But I had two reasons to do just that today, the rain and a severe headache that just won't quit. So unfortunately I have to keep it very short tonight. The light of the computer screen is killing me. But I have to keep my commitments right???

57 of 365: What mama needs to go do right now.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 56 - Letting go......

2010-09-25T19:37:00.001-07:00

Garage sales can bring a wide array of emotions. I get sad to see some things go. Probably because I may have held on to them for far too long already, but mostly because whatever it is I'm letting go was a part of me at some point in my life. With that item goes the memory of what it meant to me when I needed it. I bought it for a reason or it was given to me for a reason. And letting the item go is almost letting go of that memory. So garage sales can be sad.

I also get nervous that I might not have enough traffic to make it worth it. You know what I mean? You spend so much time planning for a garage sale. You clean out the attic or basement or storage facility. You sort through the items you plan on selling. You finally come to terms with letting go of those things I mentioned above. You organize it all in a methodical fashion. And then you sit and wait. When you don't get that instant rush of people wanting to get the jump on everyone else, you start getting nervous. Crap! Did I just waste my week of planning and my emotional tug of war just to sit here and look a fool??

Then when the people do come, I get excited. I wonder "will I have what they're looking for?", "I got some good shit.", "she better not think I'm coming down on that price!" Yeah, those are just some of the thoughts racing through my head as random people sift through my memories.

Finally, I feel relief. The day is over. I start packing up the left over items that will go to Good Will. I change my mind about some of those items and place them in a box to go back to storage, where they will probably wait until the next garage sale. Then I sit down and count my money. "Not bad" I say to myself. It was worth it.

That is usually the path of emotions I take during a garage sale. Today was exactly that, but with a twist. I got to do it with my family. My parents and sister brought truck loads of items to sell along side mine. We ate doughnuts, drank coffee, played with the boys and met some really nice strangers. We enjoyed great conversation, laughed and people watched. And my dad and sister, who are both crazy in the most amazing way, even stood at the front of the neighborhood, waving a yard sale sign to get people to come shop. And they did! It was truly a sight.

Tonight's photo pays tribute to one of those items that made it's way into a new family. Given to my boys by their Mimi and Pawpaw. It can now bring joy to another sweet child.

56 of 365: Good bye big yellow car. We had fun......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 55 - The Frog.....

2010-09-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

So unfortunately I have to pull from the archives again tonight. I am right in the middle of yard sale preparation hell. If I took a picture of anything, it would be a huge pile of unorganized chaos. I would rather spare you the bore and give you something I love...... one of my babies.

55 of 365: Another favorite.... the frog.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 54 - Characters..

2010-09-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I am continuing my weekly entry of a costume wearing family member. This week's entry is brought to you by Peanut from two years ago in one of my all-time favorites, the dinosaur. I can't believe he actually wore this for longer than 5 minutes. This is the child that would rather be naked than anything else. One more fact that proves my boys are as opposite as it gets when it comes to being twins.

54 of 365: This week's character......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 53 - Who's in Charge Here??....

2010-09-22T16:55:00.001-07:00

I always get my boys back on Tuesday nights. And everyone knows that I sit on the edge of my seat all day on Tuesdays just waiting for 4:30 to roll around so that I can fly out of the office to go pick them up from school. Yesterday was very much the same as every other Tuesday. As soon as I walked into their classroom, both came running to me with open arms. We had a great conversation while we sat in 5 o'clock traffic, catching up on all that I missed over the past few days.

As soon as I park the car in the garage, they quickly unbuckle and, of course, zoom upstairs to turn on their Star Wars game. I'm ok with them playing for a few minutes while I unload the car of all their "ride home snacks" and get dinner started. It actually helps, to be perfectly honest. (I know, I know - we've had this conversation before - I promise I DO NOT let XBox babysit for me).........(ok, I lie, I let it sit for me sometimes.....).........(ok, I lie again... I let it sit for me more than sometimes).

But anyway, enough guilt-trip. Once dinner is ready, we sit and inhale our pizzas while the boys tell me how Storm Troupers do this and R2D2 does that and how they hate when they get to a part they can't get past so they just start the game over. I actually enjoy these conversations because they're so invested in them. You've never seen excitement in any child's eyes like my boys' when they talk about Star Wars. So we're having a great evening and I start cleaning up our dinner plates, and then it happens..............Thud! Scream! Blame! Cry! You turn your head for one second and they go from being the best of friends to wanting to do bodily harm to one another.

I usually remain calm and try to get the stories out of each of them. "He did this!..... He did that!..... But he did it harder!...." blah, blah, blah. So I tell them we need to cool down and get our jammies on and just relax for a little bit. Both of them respond with a resounding "NO!" Well........ no one yells at mama like that and certainly no one tells mama no. And that was it.

Mama proceeded to take charge of her household, yielding her mighty sword (hand) to the air and ordering these two Storm Troupers (angry four year olds) up the stairs and straight to the cave (bed). I had to assert my authority and I did so by taking away their bed time ritual of ten minutes of cartoons and milk. Well, you would have thought I asked them to personally throw their XBox off the back deck and then make them watch as it smashed to pieces on the ground below. And believe me, as many times as I imagined doing that exact thing, I have refrained. So, of course, the rest of the night was spent trying to calm them down enough so that they would actually go to sleep. And that was no easy task. Between Big E's deep cry that takes his breathe away and Peanut's anger management issue, we were in for the long haul. I spent about an hour going back and forth between each twin sized bed trying to calm each of them. When I moved to one child's bed, the other got jealous and louder. Then I would move to their bed. And it went back and forth at an almost comical level. The moment that finally broke the anger and sadness from the air was when Peanut sat on top of me telling me how mad at me he was and how he wasn't going to kiss me goodnight because I made him sad. As he was crying (fake crying) and trying to sound all mean and angry, he looked down at his pants and I heard "huh?".....(long pause....) "I put my pants on backwards." And then we all busted out laughing. That was all it took. We all fell asleep shortly thereafter.

Um.... moral of the story - screw it. Next time you guys can stay up and fight all you want. Mama's goin' to bed.

53 of 365: You only THINK you're in charge....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 52 - Happy Pizza

2010-09-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

So if you can't tell from the title of my blog, I'm not a big fan of pessimism or negativity. I believe that to be happy is to choose to be happy. If I'm not happy, I will look around and do my best to determine why I'm not happy. And if it's something that is within my control (and it usually is), then I'll see what I need to do to change it. I wasn't happy with my job, even though I had been there almost 14 years. I knew that things within the job itself were not going to change. So I changed what I had control of..... myself. I made a very scary decision to move on to a new firm. And let me tell you..... I AM HAPPY.

I hope my boys will be able to look at me and see how strongly I believe in life choices and knowing that we're in control of our own happiness. And no, I don't completely have my head in the clouds and I'm not some "hippie-spirit-everything-is-beautiful" dreamer. Of course I understand that things will happen that will be completely out of our control and they will take that happiness away. But as quickly as your happiness eludes you, you have to make the conscious decision that you WILL choose to be happy again. And then you have to put those decisions into action.

Nothing irritates me more than someone who can sit around and complain about everything around them and then choose not to do anything about it. I wasn't happy in my marriage anymore and so I chose to leave. I wasn't happy in my job anymore, so I chose to leave. Now I'm not saying that we should all run away from whatever it is that's causing our grief. I'm just saying that if you have no control over the things that are bringing you this grief, then choose to do something that brings you joy. If you can't leave the job that you don't like, then bring some other form of joy into your life and nurture it and let it grow into something you otherwise would have let disappear inside you.

I was fortunate enough to be able to move on from my marriage with little conflict and with the ability to take care of myself. I was fortunate enough to move on in my career because of my experience and determination and hope that there was something better out there. Those were my decisions and I believe that I will continue to make choices that will positively impact my life and my boys' lives. I hope that my choices will be recognized by them, if not now then one day maybe, and they will learn that they, too, have the control to make choices that make them happy.

I like to think that they are already starting to understand that happiness can be found in many places.

52 of 365: Peanut eats his pizza this way because he says the happy face he creates makes him happy.

What a beautiful sight.......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 51 - Two words....

2010-09-20T19:46:00.001-07:00

I got two words for ya.................

FUND RAISER.

51 of 365: Any takers??????

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 50 - Sharing.........

2010-09-19T18:25:00.000-07:00

Another milestone reached in this "Project 365" endeavor of mine. 50 days. Again, and I repeat, I really only thought I would make it to day 20 if I was lucky. As parents, many of you understand the chaotic schedule that comes with bringing up small human beings. Those of you that joined the single parent club, like myself, understand the greater chaos. But somehow, I seemed to have kept an unlikely commitment. If you've read previous posts, you know now that I tend to be flaky with some commitments. Usually the ones that involve exercise, religion or higher eduction tend to fall on the back burner in commitment land. (wow, those are probably the ones I should stick with, huh?) Needless to say, I am thrilled with my perseverance.

As a milestone present, I would like to ask each of my followers or facebook friends to do me a small favor. I've never really been one to want to significantly grow my readership. I'm not an attention getter. I usually shy away from any kind of spot light. I did not start this blog to gain a huge number of "fans". But as I have continued this Project 365 journey, I have received some amazing comments from people that are going through similar situations as myself.

As a "mom blogger", I read a lot of other mom blogs and I am discovering something I didn't realize in the beginning. And that is: the lack of single mom bloggers in the blog-o-sphere. There are hundreds of parenting blogs and mom blogs, but not as many uplifting single parent blogs as I would like. Most single parenting blogs involve too much negative backlash from the dark side of separation or divorce. Moms are too busy bad mouthing the fathers (or vice-verse) and the voice of single parenting gets lost in all the anger. My site is not about that and I hope my readers would agree. I set out to discover who I was again, but in new skin. And to show my boys that mama and daddy do not have to be in love (or even in like sometimes) to show them that they are loved and will always be loved by both parents no matter what. I hope I am succeeding.

So if you agree with my words or want to believe in my words or if you know someone who may, I would be honored if you gave the "50th Project 365 Post"gift of sharing. Share with someone you think might benefit from knowing they are not alone in this journey. Share with someone you think might have their own insightful comments that I could learn from. Share with someone who likes parental sarcasm. Or share with someone (preferably a single dad) you think might want to date me. I kid.... Kinda.

Either way, I want to thank you for sticking with me through this adventure, in web life and real life. You guys know who you are. I love you lots.

50 of 365: A few of my favorites from this weekend.....

The faces I get when I say "Smile!"

Thinking up his evil plot.....

Mr. Prissy pants....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 49 - Amazing Saturdays.....

2010-09-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

So today was another amazing Saturday filled with fun, sun, laughing, jumping, painting, sliding, swinging, snacking, and passing out. The boys were invited out by their neighbor friend, to enjoy a full day of telling the moms where to go. And M and I took orders very well - after we stopped at Starbucks first! The day started with a trip to the Arts Festival and almost immediately, the boys spotted the bounceys. It was actually perfect, we could finish our iced coffees while they bounced away. The festival experience for the boys entailed their first ever snow cone, splashing in the square fountain (we had to apologize for that one), doing a little spin art, and picnicing on the church steps, at which point the boys decided they would create a roadblock on the side walk and demand that everyone stop at the "red light". They were allowed to pass only once the boys said "green light." Yeah, we had to apologize a few times for that one too.

After halting the agenda of several a passer-by, we decided it was time for the captains of the day to tell us where to go next. Playground, here we come! There's this wonderful park about two miles from our new home and we frequent it often. But this was the first time with our new friends, as they had never been before, and I could tell the boys were very proud leading the way. We stayed for about an hour and then the boys decided it was time for cupcakes and ice cream. And we were happy to oblige.

After the sugar rush, the moms finally decided it was time to take back over the day's agenda. Besides, the little men were wiped by that time and could pretty much care less what we did anymore. All in all it was another amazing Saturday. And as the boys and I get more acquainted with our new town and as we continue to meet new people, I'm sure these amazing Saturdays will be part of our regular routine. As a matter of fact, I'm counting on it.

49 (a and b) of 365: Happy faces of the day.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 48 - Characters..........

2010-09-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

While perusing through my old photos, I love coming across all the pictures of my boys in various costumes throughout the years. The fascination with "dressing up" definitely hit Big E harder and earlier than it did Peanut. Big E fell in love with costumes at age two and the first time his Mimi pulled out her Halloween big-bag-o-tricks, he nearly lost it. My mother, also known as the holiday queen, has held on to almost every single costume she, my dad, and my sister have collected over the past twenty years. Now keep in mind, my family loves, loves, loves Halloween. I, myself, have dressed up every year of my entire life, with the exception of the year the boys were born. They were two hours shy of being Halloween babies, so maybe the fascination of costume was literally born in them.

Each year I begin to plan my Halloween attire one month out, just in case I need to order something online. Once I settle on an idea, I make sure that I create any of the "made from scratch" items in advance. Over the years I have spray painted old white shoes with red glitter paint (guess who I was). I have cut up wigs and tied the extra pieces to my own hair (red-neck extensions). I have fashioned a coat hanger to make the perfect pippy longstocking hair illusion (one of my favorite). I could go on and on. It's great when I go through all this effort and expense and I actually get to show it off at a party. But most times, I just do it for myself and the few trick or treaters that knock on the front door. It doesn't matter. There's just something about pretending to be someone or some thing outside of who you really are. Stepping into a character and living as them for a short time...... It's exciting!

Oh wow. I just realized that I started this post as a tale of how my child has become obsessed with dressing up in costumes since he was a toddler. And the post ended up pointing out my own addiction. Oh dear, I'm a pusher. And on my own child..... I should be ashamed.

48 off 365: I will post each week a new picture of costume wearing in my family over the past four years. I'd like to see how long I can pull it off.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 47 - In Training........

2010-09-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

I originally started blogging because I wanted to journal my transformation from being a mom with twins to being a triathlete mom with twins. I had fun with the experience, balancing my extensive training with raising toddlers. I didn't set out to help anyone. I just wanted a method of conveying my journey, a transformation diary if you will. And I enjoy going back from time to time and reading my stories of " what the hell'" and "have I lost my mind". And then I enjoy reading about the end of my journey, of finally becoming a triathlete. I ended up completing two within a few months of each other. Crossing the finish line both times was amazing. It was exhilarating and indescribable. It was almost a feeling of peace. For many months I had trained and conditioned myself to overcome the pain I felt when I didn't think I could do it anymore. I learned how to pace myself and turn to certain forms of energy just when I needed them, I rejoiced in the small accomplishments of cresting a mountain and I allowed myself small levels of defeat just so that I could appreciate the win even more when the battle was over.

I look back at this time in my life and I realize that I wasn't just training for a triathlon. I was preparing for the battle, for the trials I will face everyday as a single parent. I am learning to pace myself through the emotions of separation. I am conditioning myself to be able to quickly overcome the pain when I think I can't do it anymore. This separation is my small piece of defeat so that I can understand that this is a means to an end. This battle I will win. This battle I have already won. I am rejoicing.

After I realized I was to become a single mom, I decided to move my blog in a new direction: Journaling my transformation into a single mom of twins. Looking back, not much has changed. I'm still in training.

47 of 365: A shot of me and my boys after completing my first triathlon.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 46 - Patiently Waiting.....

2010-09-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

I can't wait for Halloween! That's all..........

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 45 - Glam Festivus for the Rest of us....

2010-09-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

I'm going to keep it short and sweet tonight. Never in my life have I seen so many grandmas in tattoos and rocker shirts. I'm talking about the Adam Lambert concert folks. I've been to a lot of concerts (thanks sis) and this one takes the cake as far as multi-cultural goes. I was totally expecting the entire population of Atlanta's gays to come out in full force tonight. But I was utterly disappointed. I wanted fishnets and guy-liner, but instead I got grandparents and two year olds. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a two year old was in attendance. (I actually frowned upon that). Why the hell would you bring a two year old to a rock concert?? The lights were outrageously bright and the music was extremely loud. That can't be good for tiny ears and eyes.

But all obvious observations aside, the show was quite entertaining. "The Glam Tour", as he called it, brought back fond memories of big hair bands of the 80's and left me shouting "I wanna rock!" (and I only actually knew one of his songs). The sightseeing was fun and the crowd was full of energy and life, even if half of them were older than my parents.

45 of 365: Laser beams and feathers.

(Sorry guys, I wasn't close enough to get the shot of the feathers, but they were present.)

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 44 - Not much....

2010-09-13T18:49:00.001-07:00

Wow, I'm in "baby boy withdrawal." Sometimes I just miss them so much that to think of them gives me butterflies. You know..... the kind you get when you fall in love. That's what I'm feeling. I'm in love with my boys. And I don't really have a photo for that. If I could open my chest and take a picture of my heart for you, I would. Eww.

So that is about it for today, besides the craziness that is my office right now. They have me shuffling between two locations working for two different states. I must say, I wonder where I am most of the time. But I like it still. Busy is better than bored most definitely.

And, finally, I have to admit, I often commit to something and then change my mind slightly. Last week I told you about my new purchase, the Kindle ereader. Well, I never did quite hit the "purchase now" button. Instead, I walked into the local Barnes and Noble and purchased the Nook ereader. There's just something about being able to walk into a store and speak with a live person and hold the product in your hand before purchasing. Online shopping is fine and all, but you can't really squeeze, poke, prod, shake, and taste the product (imagine strange look on B&N clerk's face at that point.) I just like knowing how something feels in my hands before taking him home (I mean "it" home.)

44 of 365: My new man.... Nook.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 43 - Laughing and Lizards....

2010-09-12T17:27:00.001-07:00

I remember being in Silver Springs, Florida when I was younger and holding a very large snake around my neck. I actually don't remember it all that well, because as you know I've made it perfectly clear that my memory sucks. But there is a picture to prove it, so it must have happened. There I am probably eleven years old (my mom would know better) and I have this humongous constrictor around my neck and a smile of equal size on my face. The scaly reptile didn't bother me one bit. I actually quite enjoyed it. (At least that's what the picture tells me)

Today the boys attended their first birthday party of the school year and as luck would have it, it was a reptile party. A very average looking woman showed up with not very average party favors...... snakes, lizards and bearded dragons. The kids went wild over the sight. Several of the species were large enough to swallow these four and five year olds whole. But that didn't scare them. Most were patiently waiting in their seats while the "reptile keeper" gave her shpeal about each and every one of them. They were ready to touch these marvels, to prove to themselves that the animals were real and not some plastic trick the keeper was playing on them.

The first reptile to endure the touchy feely hands of the post toddler kids was the largest yellow snake I'd ever seen. What the hell am I saying? It was the largest snake period I've ever seen. Who cares about the color? You've never seen so many kids jump into a straight line so fast. The smiles were wide and the belief was barely visible. Each child having to reach out and touch before that belief was validated. It was pretty awesome. Of course, most kids have been to a petting zoo or something similar, but to have distant relatives of the dinosaurs in your friend's front yard???? Impossible. And way cool.

42 or 365: Turtles, Snakes, Lizards and more.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 42 - Three Women........

2010-09-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

I was in forth or fifth grade when I met my best friend. We started a new church and I found it odd that my mom decided to go to a church that was on the other side of town. I guess it was because my aunt went there, but still, it was clear across the county and it irritated me because it meant I had to get up that much earlier on a Sunday. I forgive my mom for that now, because from those early morning rises on Sunday, I met an individual that would remain a part of my life until this day, twenty eight or so years later.

I didn't know it then, but this person, we will call her K, would become one of the most important people in my life. She would make me laugh and help me cry. We would badly damage our hair together with store bought color at the age of eighteen. That day would make me laugh and make her cry. We would fight over boys in church and cover for each other when one snuck out (mostly her). We would piss each other off and after a cooling down time, realize that we could not do without one another.

K lives a very different life from me. She is happily married with three gorgeous children. I'm not saying that her life is perfectly perfect, but she is much closer to it than I am and I envy her. There is grace in everything she does. She has an amazing way about herself and she is forgiving beyond all that I have ever experienced. She looks at me with non-judging eyes and those eyes are exactly what I needed at this phase of my life.

I was a senior in high school when I became unexpected friends with the next person that would have a major impact on my life. We will call her J. I was hanging out with this funny skinny guy at school and he asked me out on a date. It wasn't until much later that I found out his girlfriend, J, attended another school. What a jerk. J's family moved into my school district and we instantly became friends. Of course, I knew that her motivation was "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer", but that did matter. What developed has lasted almost twenty years.

J married and divorced that "jerk", but not until they brought two great boys into this world. She is an amazing single mom, but we are not alike. She is far stronger than I am. She has endured a long, drawn out, heartbreaking divorce. And she came out on the other end much stronger than when she went in. I'm not quite sure that I'd still be standing after what she has gone through. But she is and I look upon her upright body in awe everyday. I stand close to her so that her strength will transfer to me. Not quite sure why she stands so close to me. But I'm not arguing.

An early summer evening put me on a path by a lake that bumped me into the next person to make an impact. Actually, we just met three months ago, so I'm not sure how this chance encounter will really play out. But right now, all I know is that I'm fairly new to this town and fate brought me face to face with another single mom in my neighborhood, when I knew no one else.

M, we will call her, has an amazing three year old son and was never married. Her single mom-dom is the result of a short lived relationship that has ended with being forever bound to that man through a pint-sized train conductor. Like the others above, we are not alike. She did not have to endure the heartache of a failed marriage, while I did not have to endure a man that was never there to begin with. I look at her as a door. A door that leads to, well...... I don't really know right now. But, to my delight, she is a writer like me and we have ideas. Grand ideas that may come to fruition or they may not. But our common thread of single parenthood has brought us together for a reason. I look forward to the possibilities.

Each of these women have touched me in different ways. One born from childhood events that I had no control over, one from a desire to keep an enemy close and one from unfortunate circumstances that led me to move to a new town. I did not seek these women. They found me. And I will forever reap the benefits from these chance encounters. Thank you ladies.

42 of 365: At lunch today with M and her son. (I have not asked for permission from M to use her son's picture yet, but he was there next to the boys).

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 41 - Big Kids, Little Kids......

2010-09-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

So I have a big weekend planned for the boys. I always try to have activities or events planned for the boys over the weekends, in an effort to pry them away from the video games. And that is much easier to do when birthday cake is involved. The boys received their first birthday party invitation from one of their Pre-K classmates.

I'm so happy now that the boys are in Pre-k. And it's not just because the gracious state of Georgia pays for it. After almost three months in summer camp where the ages ranged from 4 to 8, the boys are finally in an age appropriate class. Now you wouldn't think that 4 to 8 would be such a big age range, but it's almost like the difference between a high school football jock and the clarinet player in the school band. They have nothing in common. And unfortunately, my boys felt it almost instantly. What's worse, is I put them there.

They were the youngest in the class and I knew that going in. But I had a decision to make and because of their age (between preschool and Pre-K), it was either have them be the oldest in their class or the youngest. For some reason, I though "youngest" would be better. they could learn something from the older kids, blah, blah, blah. Plus they LOVE big kids. Big E literally follows bigger kids around like a lost puppy dog. Mimicking their every move and coming home talking just like them. (on a more obvious level, that's not always a good thing). But to make them the oldest in their class, I just wasn't sure that was right either. Some of those kids were not fully potty trained and I couldn't risk them reverting back to their old ways, because I knew Peanut would jump at the chance! So I ultimately decided older class is better class.

That was the choice I made and I knew it was the wrong one by week two. I have always made myself a wallflower beside the door when I picked them up from school in hopes that I could see how they interacted when mama wasn't around. By the second week of summer camp, I was heartbroken. There they were, in a lonely corner of the room, just the two of them together with no other friends around. They would sit there quietly and read a book together or simply talk to each other. I was sad because they weren't making friends. And I totally got why. When you're seven or eight, why in the world would you allow yourself to be caught playing with a four year old? Four year olds are babies. And hence, my boys were outcasts.

Of course, not all the kids in the class were seven or eight, most were six. But my boys were four. And although there were two other four year olds in the class, those two only attended three days a week. I tried to have them moved down to the younger class hoping that they would fit in a little better, but by that time, the class was full. So we stuck it out for two more months. I would like to say that things got amazingly better, but that was not the case. Things got better, that's all. They made friends with maybe two other kids the whole summer. They cried when we dropped them off and they were angry when we picked them up (for not picking them up earlier.) But we pushed through and before we knew it, it was time for Pre-K open house.

So now they are in a class full of four year old super heros and princesses and they couldn't be happier. I literally get pushed out the door these days. And I'm totally ok with that.

Sometimes we make decisions that we truly feel in our hearts are the right ones and sometimes those choices fail us. I know that I have a lifetime of failed choices ahead of me. I just hope that my kids will forgive me. And I hope that I learn from these poor decisions and not sentence my kids to a lifetime of being the outcasts. Lord help them.

41 of 365: My little big man.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 40 - Boys Toys....

2010-09-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember I wanted boys. When I was a little girl and I imagined myself as a mommy, my baby was always a boy. As I got older, I got a little more specific. "I want a boy with curly hair." I lucked out and got the boy blessing twice. The curly hair? Not so much.

It's not hard for me to understand my strong desire to birth boys over girls. All I have to do is look back into my childhood and ask myself "Would I like me as a teenager?" And the answer would be a resounding "NO". I wasn't a bad kid. I wasn't a trouble maker and I didn't disrespect (well, no more than your average teenager). Nope, I wasn't any of those things. My problem? I was simply a girl. An emotional, dramatic, overly sensitive girl. And maybe as I've gotten older and my patience thinner, I realize that a teenage me and a short fuse wouldn't be the best match.

Of course, all that may change as soon as my boys become teenagers. I hear all the stories of my guy friends and the wild and insanely irresponsible things they did as teenagers and it scares the hell out of me. I have many years before I have to kick my boys' asses for being irresponsible or lazy or just plain stupid. For now, I will enjoy the super hero world my house has become. A layer of secret passageways and ruthless villains. Batman's cave and Spiderman's web. I will watch as my two little heroes take back control of the house from the evil that hides between the sofa cushions and I will have the privilege of joining in their crusade as BatGirl or WonderWoman. I will respect all action figures that blanket my floors because I know they are protecting me.

I agree that little girls are amazing and sweet and precious and all that is good and sugary. And I know that I would love my child, girl or boy. But there is something about my two boys that is unexplainable. Maybe it is my lifelong passion of being a mother to boys. Maybe it is my relief that the world was not graced with another teenage me. Or maybe, just maybe something amazing is going on right now. The universe possibly knew that I would need a couple of pint-sized heroes in my life right at this moment.

40 of 365: A hero comes in many shapes and sizes....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 39 - PJ's

2010-09-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things is my boys in pajamas. I actually have to admit to having a slight pj addiction. My former co-workers could really attest to this. I would sneak out for lunch and come back with four new sets. I love them so much, I'd even buy them for my friends' kids. Pajamas were a "go to" birthday or Christmas gift. I'm not quite sure why I'm talking in past tense.

I don't think I will ever get over my pj addiction.

39 of 365: This might have been the pair that started it all.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 38 - Reading and Writing and Books, oh my!.....

2010-09-07T17:45:00.001-07:00

I'm excited about picking my boys up from school tomorrow. Each time I get to see them for the first time after a few days away from them gets sweeter and sweeter. I get so giddy half way through the work day that I feel the urge to leave a little earlier. But right now, money is tighter than last year's jeans and I can't afford to leave early. So my solution???? I'll go in earlier. Problem solved.

When I moved into my new place and the "down time" presented itself with almost too much alone time, I realized that I was going to have to find something more to occupy myself. So this year I started reading. I've always enjoyed writing. Been doing it for as long as I can remember. But reading someone else's writing is different a universe to me. I blame it on my patience. My mind was always too over active to be able to focus on the imaginations of someone else. I also blame it on the fact that my mind doesn't work the way the minds of those other writers work. Maybe I was a little jealous. Until I started my last blog, most of my writing remained private. Because I was unsure whether or not my writing was as good as those writers I was too afraid to read.

But this year I decided to ignore my insecurities and see if there was anything to truly be afraid of. And I discovered that I have a lot to learn from these folks. Now, when I tell you how many books I've read this year, try not to laugh too much. I know I deserve a little ragging because, hey, I write, so I should read, right? Yeah not so much. BUT so far I have read four books. That's right folks! I actually made it through four whole books. I've surprised myself, ha!

But now that I've started, I'm totally addicted. I love talking about the books I'm reading. I love sharing the books I'm reading and I love recommending a book and then finding out that the person I recommended it to loves it too. That's the best. And I'm finding out that there was nothing to be afraid of. I know that my own personal writing style can be influenced by the amazing words of other writers and I love that possibility.

So now, I have this super birthday gift coming my way and I cannot wait! I have ordered the Kindle ereader. Maybe if anyone out there has one, you can tell me everything you love about it and get me all the more excited about it. I need something to take my mind off that better than sex cake I left at "the dad's" house.

38 of 365: My new toy.... (I know, technically this is cheating because I didn't take this picture, but who cares...)

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 37 - Sneak Attack.......

2010-09-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't want my birthday post to be remembered with sadness and that is why I didn't post much last night. I'm not going to say that this was the saddest birthday I've ever had, but I will say it ranks among them. Anyone that goes through any kind of separation or ultimate divorce can relate to the massive array of emotions one goes through. One minute you're ok, accepting the path you have chosen and looking forward to the brighter days ahead that you know are coming. And the next minute a rush of said emotions can sneak up on you and slap you in the face and knock you on your ass. Now, I'm not saying I got knocked on my ass last night, but I did experience a slight sneak attack.

My weekend started out wonderfully. A relaxing trip home, a fruitless fishing trip that my boys loved despite no bites, and chocolate cake that was better than sex. It was great. As I've said before, my family rocks.

My weekend time with my boys would end with a trip to a wonderful park near their dad's house. We met him there along with his brother's family. It was great seeing them and hanging out for the short time I was able to. I don't see them often now, especially since they moved to Savannah. They have a new baby boy with a smile that goes on for miles and their sweet girl? Well, she has a voice that I could little to forever. She is three and a half and my boys just love spending time with their cousin from Savannah. The afternoon at the park was nice.

The sneak attack ended up being the last event of the night. I stayed at "the dad's" house for dinner, watched the boys play video games at their request, joined in on a little Wii myself. And we ended the evening with the last few minutes of a Star Wars movie. Everything was great, but it was time to say my good byes. That's when the crying started. Now, they were only crying because they were tired and we all know that emotions are amplified when we are tired. So I tried to be gentle. Hugging each of them equally and kissing them until it irritated them more. I felt like I had things under control as far as their crying was going, but then it happened. The dad snapped at Peanut. It had been a long day, everyone was tired and Peanut has entered into this "not listening" phase, so at some level, I can understand the short temper the dad might have had. But, come on! It's my birthday! Don't make this transitional moment harder for me than it already is.

Of course, Peanut didn't take getting in trouble very well. And he began to cry for me even harder. And in between each pitiful wimper as I carried him up to his bed were the words I too cried at the sound of.... "I gonna miss you so much mama." Those words made the trip up those stairs the longest in all the years I'd walked them.

And Big E followed suit for his brother's sake, repeating the same wimper and the same words, "I gonna miss you so much too mama." What else could I do? I crawled in bed with them and held onto them until they both fell asleep. As I lay there in their bed, I looked up at the dim ceiling wondering how in the hell did I get here? And then I wondered, why in the hell do I keep asking myself that same question? I know what happened, I know how I got there, and I know that I need to roll out of their bed and go home. And I did. I didn't even say bye to the dad. I just walked out.

My boys would be ok in the morning. They would forget all about how upset they were the night before and they would play with their cousins before they headed back to Savannah. But I might not be as ok. I will remember the next morning and I may not see their cousins for a long time. As I drove home, I cried. For the first time in a very long time, I cried. And there it was, the sneak attack.

I have been able to keep most of my emotions at bay for a very long time. And these emotions were not at all for the loss of my marriage. I can honestly say that I dealt with the emotions of separation a long time ago. No, these emotions were for the separation I endure every single time I have to leave my boys. Separation from your husband is one thing. But separation from your children is whole 'nother ball game.

As I drove home, I let the emotions come out as they may (as if I ever had any control over them). And then I was ok. By the time I got home, I was ok. But as I turned into my driveway, a completely new emotion struck me.......

CRAP!!! I left my birthday cake in his damn refrigerator!!!!!! The tears came again....

37 of 365: This shot just makes me giggle.

Good Night All.

Project 365: Day 36 - Fifths....

2010-09-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

Good thing today was Sunday. Otherwise, I'd have stopped on the way home and bought vodka.

36 of 365: Happy Birthday Me...

Good Night All.

Project 365: Day 35 - Family Day.....

2010-09-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

So, it's my birthday weekend and I decided to spend it with my family. I packed our bags yesterday morning before work and once I picked the boys up from school yesterday afternoon, we made the hour and a half drive west of Atlanta. The drive wouldn't typically take that long, but it was Friday AND a holiday weekend. I'm lucky though, because the boys are road warriors. A typical day for them consists of sitting in traffic anywhere from 30 minutes to hour one way before and after school everyday. I feel bad about it most days, but I decided that I would rather have them close to my work instead of close to home. Obvious reasons.

So the events of the weekend were my choosing and I chose to spend them at my parent's house. It has been a wonderful weekend so far. I love coming home. My mama still takes care of me. And right now, sometimes I really need a little of bit that. She cooked me dinner, let me nap and baked me a cake which now has a very large missing chunk, thanks to me. Hell, truth be told, it's missing two large chunks thanks to me.

But it has been a beautiful weekend thus far. It's Saturday night and I look forward to the big breakfast mom already has planned for tomorrow. I mean, where else besides Cracker Barrel can I get a breakfast like this?? I'm sure as heck not the type to do it myself. Love sleeping late way too much. But my mom? She does it and she loves it. And I love her for it.

Thank you mom, dad and little sis for a beautiful weekend.

35 of 365: Beautiful Day....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 34 - Changes.....

2010-09-03T15:55:00.000-07:00

It never fails that when I decide to change in my life, I change my life. Sometimes the changes are small, but I do them big. For instance, I never just decide to change my hair color. I change my color to the other side of the color wheel and take the scissors to it. And sometimes my changes are big and can span across an entire year. One year, I started out as a single woman working her way through college. By the time the year was over, I was married, a college graduate, and bought my first house. That year was also speckled with various other things that were out of my control. My mother in law passed away two months after getting married. My uncle passed away two months later and my birth mother passed away another two months after that. (side note - the birth mother will a topic all to it's self).

This year has been full of many changes. The most obvious, of course, was physically moving in this separation. We had been mentally and emotionally separated for a very long time, but this year I physically moved my life to a new location. That was change number one. The second came when I decided to leave the firm I had worked for for almost 14 years and venture out to a new firm. Now, when I started my search for a new "job family", I kept my search within the same legal arena. I knew that after 14 years, the first major adjustment would be losing my comfort level. When you work for the same people for that long, you develop a relationship that closely compares to your own marriage. You know everyone's quirks and moods, the birthdays of all their kids, the ailments of their pets and the size of their bras. The kind of comfort level you have with your own family. You're not afraid to tell them exactly how you feel about the way-too-short dress they're wearing and you don't back down when they address your too-tight-top. It doesn't bother them a bit when you cover their showing bra strap without asking their permission. And you don't worry about them finding very personal e-mails in your inbox while they cover your desk during your vacation. Comfort level takes a very long time to accumulate.

So leaving this comfort level was not something I would easily adjust to. But I was ready for it. I needed a jump start in my career and I needed a new friend "pool." Now I certainly don't want my old work friends to think that I needed to replace them. That was not the case at all. I simply knew that by moving forward in my personal life, I needed to gain new perspectives. Maybe prospects is the word I am looking for. Either way, change needed to sweep over all aspects of my life.

So I took the leap and found a new firm that welcomed me into their unfamiliar territory. It was intimidating at first. A much larger company than I was used to working for. Literally ten times the size, maybe more. But I was ready for it. And two months later, I can report that this was probably the best career move I've ever made (besides staying in one place for 14 years -which as you know from a previous post, was not an easy thing for me to do).

So this new world, with all it's corporate-ness and faces, has opened my eyes to the fact that I have a skill-set that was not being fully utilized in my previous employment. Not to say that my previous employer didn't appreciate my work, but the demand for what I am good at was not present. It feels good to know that I am good at something and that what I'm good at is needed.

An even more important aspect of this new world is that I work with people I truly enjoy. It's almost as if my initial job hunt purposely stalled until this position came open, because I was meant to work with these people. It was the perfect fit for my puzzle piece.

So for today's post, I give you a little piece of my new world. My lovely co-workers decorated my cube for my birthday.

34 of 365: Love it!.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 33 - Thank you....

2010-09-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

Before this daily project, I used to do a Thankful Thursday post. I would share the things that made me thankful that day. It was a wonderful way to remind myself why I push forward through situations I know will be difficult. I focus on the beautiful aspects of my life and the negative begins to pale in comparison. So today is Thursday and I thought I would revisit that fun, and very beneficial, pastime.

You have endured a few posts that begin to skim the surface of my experience through separation. The anxiety, the fear, the self-doubt, the loneliness and, on occasion, the anger. But in order to safely navigate through all the sadness that accompanies divorce like an evil twin, you have to remind yourself that there are reasons why you continue to put one foot in front of the other. For me, it is obvious. For most parents, it is obvious. Our children become our life line to the rest of the world and we will do anything to protect that life line. They supply our oxygen with their very breathe. They provide much needed vitamin C from their sunshine. And their energy pumps the blood through our veins. My joy and my inspiration come from them. Than you boys.

33 of 365: Kings of the world....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 32 - Fusstrated......

2010-09-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, my kids were introduced to Ni Hao Kai Lan. Now for most parents out there, I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. And for the rest of you? I was going to say "go look it up" but that would be totally rude of me. It's a Nick, Jr program that probably exited our home almost as quickly as it entered. The show wasn't violent and it didn't wig me out like that big purple dinosaur or drive me to want to drink like those weird puffy things with tv's on their bellies. It's actually a show built on a brilliant idea to teach kids how to deal with their feelings.

As any parent who has endured those precious toddler years knows, temper tantrums, fighting and biting become as common an occurrence as changing a diaper. Schools and day care centers do a wonderful job teaching children to use their words instead of their fists. And that IS the premise of this show, but for some reason, children take to it like brainwashed robots. Peanut adapted the "I'm mad mad" phrase almost instantaneously. So now, instead of the typical scream, push, shove, kick; we got all that and a bag of attitude.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for use your words and not your teeth. And parents definitely bear the responsibility of teaching their children right from wrong. But something about a four year old throwing a snooty tantrum stomping off to the other room while asserting his "I'm so mad at you right now mama", just makes me wonder what kind of divas we are raising. I swear, every time I heard a Nick, Jr trained anger control phrase come from one their mouths, my stomach balled up and I wished they would just throw to the floor like every other normal four year old.

Seriously, my son telling me how "fusstrated" he is with me kinda makes me want to giggle, just a little. But hey, I guess I shouldn't be complaining too much. At least they're talking about their feelings. I'm proud to say, they got that from their mama (and a little Chinese girl.)

32 of 365: How could such attitude come from such a precious Peanut?....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 31 - Losing Control.....

2010-08-31T17:03:00.000-07:00

Few things hurt more than the day you discover you no longer have control of every day of your children's lives. For most parents, this day comes when their kids reach some tweenage milestone and they're hanging out with their friends more than they're hanging out with you. Or when they get their driver's license and you're lucky to see them for a few minutes before they're off to school each morning. Or they fall in love for the first time and their whole world only revolves around the new found love of their lives, and no longer you.

But for a single parent, that day comes much sooner. We are faced with that realization the first time custody is handed off to the "other" parent. You've had them for your "share" of the time and now it's their turn. The first day is usually not the worst day. At that point, the children don't fully understand what's going on. To them, dad is taking them home and you'll be along shortly. It's not until probably the third or fourth hand off that they begin to realize, "Hey, wait a minute! The last time we did this I didn't see you for three whole days. What the hell!" And then it happens. The unbearable cry of a child being put in the back seat of daddy's car when they know mama's not sitting shot-gun.

You do your best to put on a strong face. You tell them that you'll see them soon and that they're going to have fun at daddy's. But nothing helps. They know the deal. They're starting to understand the new dynamics of their family and they don't like it one bit. You stand there, in your driveway, and you watch them pull away slowly. It might not really be slowly, but to you the car creeps backwards into the street as slow as the sunrise. Ten seconds turns into an eternity as you still hear them crying in the back seat. And then suddenly, eternity is gone in a flash. The car is no longer in your sight. And yet you still stand there frozen.... thinking, no wishing maybe they forgot something and they'll have to turn around and come back. After about fifteen minutes you realize they're not coming back and you won't see them again until Tuesday. As you walk back through the door of your now empty and quiet home, the strong face you previously had plastered to your head suddenly looses all feeling and sinks to the ground. And you break down.

That is how the realization of no longer having control of my children happened for me the first time. I say first time because a second, more painful event took place that burned this realization into my mind, my heart and my soul.

I had been in the new house for about three months when I got the call. Their dad was on the other line and the sound of the first syllable out of his mouth sent me into a panic mode that I can now only describe as blinding numbness. Big E had gone missing. His dad couldn't find him any where. Apparently the entire neighborhood was out looking for him. You see, that is one thing I truly miss about where I used to live. You could depend on every single neighbor in our community. And that day they became part of our family.

The boys had been out side with their dad and several neighbors and their kids. They were all playing in the backyard, going in and out of the house, riding their big wheels and bicycles, playing with bubbles and sidewalk chalk. Parents were gathered together in the usual spot on the side yard, talking about getting their kids into the right school or that "bad" corner down the street. You see, I know this was happening because it was a scene that we played for years in that neighborhood. But this scene ended much different than all those in years previous.

Their dad called for Big E and he didn't answer. Well, maybe he had gone inside. So dad went in the house, called for him time and time again. No answer. Fifteen minutes had gone by and the other neighbors started calling out for Big E, too. Twenty minutes gone now, still no answer. The dad running in and out of the house frantically calling out to his son and painfully hearing no reply. A call to 911 was placed. Police converged quickly. More neighbors were gathering. Dad tried to remain calm, but was slowly losing it, fearing that Big E had walked to the front of the house and someone grabbed him from the front yard. That fear worsened the minute he heard the officer call into his walkie talkie thingie on his shoulder and said "we need a bus and dogs at 428 ........". He lost it. Remnants of that fear still pierced his voice when he called me. But by then, his voice spoke in fear because of the experience he just endured. Because by the time the call was made to me, Big E had been located by a neighbor. He was hiding under the chaise lounge in the sun room. He heard his daddy calling him, but he was hiding, and at four, you're not supposed to give your hiding place away.

So now, Dad's fear transferred to me, but by the time it made it's way through the phone lines, it was no longer fear. It became anger. Deep, blood red anger. I wasn't angry at him because Big E hid from him. I was angry at him because he was there when it was happening and I was here, 45 minutes away. And he put me here, because he didn't want to be married anymore.

So that was the second time I realized that I no longer had control over each day of my children's lives. This second time was much harder to swallow but took less time to sink in. This was our life now. He would always be there and I would always be here. And our children would always be in between. While this dramatic and frightful event made it perfectly clear that custody of control was now part of the deal, acceptance of this is taking a little bit longer. But I'm working on it. Separation will be a continuous work in progress, but at least today I'm in better shape than I was yesterday and tomorrow, well..... I'll let you know tomorrow.

One thing I do know....... Tweenage milestones, Driver's licenses and falling in love will be a cake walk for me.

31 of 365: Tonight I have control and we're being silly in big pants.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 30 - Sunshine....

2010-08-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

I must say, I am quite proud of myself. Today marks 30 straight days that I have actually kept this up. To be perfectly honest with you, I figured I would falter somewhere around day 17, with some lame excuse. My day was exhausting and I simply passed out before getting around to it. Or, my laptop crashed, along with my desktop computer at home, along with my work computer, along with my IPhone. Or, the lamest of all, I simply forgot. How the hell can you "forget" a year long commitment you made to yourself (and the 10 other people that may or may not read this?) I could have used any one of those excuses, but I relentlessly declined. Even if it meant posting something at 1:30 am (and believe me, I LIKE my sleep.)

So today marks 30 days of journaling various scenes from my life. So far, it has been a great tool for memorizing the things that I actually would like to look back on a year from now and say "wow, I've come a long way." I think of it as my electronic portal of growth. A digitized chronicle of where I was and where I plan on going. I enjoy looking back on my life and seeing what kind of person I was a month ago, a year ago, five years ago. As long as I've made progressive steps forward, then I know I'm doing something right. If I were to look back a year ago and discover that I was the same exact person I am today, no better, no worse, then what did I accomplish?

You can't live life standing still. Life will begin to grow around you and your feet will begin to take root and the ivy will start to wrap it's vines around your legs, immobilizing you. You will stand there watching life take place all around you, without you, forgetting you, leaving you behind. That is, if you decide to stand still.

I was never one that could stand in one place for too long. I look back on my life a year ago and a great deal has changed. More than I would have ever imagined on this day 365 days ago. As a matter of fact, this time last year, I was planning a weekend birthday trip. Alone. I knew that some serious decisions had to be made and I knew that the only way for me to focus on doing what was best for my boys, was to drive to the mountains, sit on the back porch of a cheap hotel, drinking even cheaper coffee, reading books, looking out into vast woods of luscious green and sit there.... alone, with nothing but my thoughts. Besides the few phone calls I made to my boys and to my mom, there I sat, in silence for two and a half days. A lot of good came from that trip. Minus the enormous amount of junk food I inhaled, because it was my birthday and I could do whatever the hell I wanted.

So here I am, a year ago, with my peanut in my lap and the sun on my back. Shining a light for my year to come. For better or for worse, and like my tattoo, the sun's always got my back.

30 of 365: Looking back; moving forward.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 29 - Band Aids......

2010-08-29T19:39:00.003-07:00

Sometimes single parents over compensate to make up for the fact that their time spent with their children has been forcefully reduced. We take them to McDonald's too often, we buy them toys and surprises more than usual, we shower them with gargantuan amounts of affection (my personal favorite). All in an effort to cover up a situation that may be difficult for them to fully understand, the broken-family band aid, I like to call it. If we place this band aid just so, then maybe they won't notice the separation as much.

But they notice. I knew a long time ago that my husband and I would separate. I put it off as long as I possibly could. But we weren't getting any younger. And the kids certainly were not either. I'm glad that I made the decision to leave when I did. The boys were a little over four years old. They would understand to a certain degree, but if we did it while they were still young, then maybe the event wouldn't affect them as much as it would if they were, say, 6 or 8 or 10. It was the right decision. It's true what they, "kids are resilient." And they are.

They understood far quicker than I ever thought they would. They were referring to their "two homes" even before I was. They knew "mama's house" and "daddy's house" and they knew it would never be one home again. But they were ok with it. It was so much harder on me than it ever was on them. It still is.

BUT every now and then one of the boys will display an emotional outburst, a public showing of distress the separation has created. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it breaks my heart into a million pieces so small, that I'm certain once I put it back together several pieces are still missing. Never to be found again. And when this happens, I almost feel as if I've spoken too soon. "Ah, my boys are doing great." "They're adjusting very well." "They are young enough to adapt easily." So, what I've learned is..... that it doesn't matter when you do it. It affects them at every age. Hell, there are things that my birth mother did to me at age 1 that I truly believe shaped parts of my personality today.

So even though my argument for separating sooner rather than later has taken an about face, my final objective will always remain the same: to love my boys with all my heart and help them to understand that everything I do, everything I am, everything that is me, is because of and belongs to them.

Sometimes the band aids are more for me than they are for them.

29 of 365: Smiles and blue skies need no band aids....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 28 - Rescue..

2010-08-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

After eight long months alone, Tready has finally been rescued from it's dark lonely home in the basement. She has been placed in her new permanent residence thanks to the boys' daddy and Mr. G. Thanks guys!!

28 of 365 - Ahhhh......Home sweet home.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 27 - Lesser of Two Evils.....

2010-08-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how quickly the addition to video games forms in a young child. Six months ago, my boys had no clue about them. Then in the blink of eye, they are masters at XBox, Playstation and Wii. Not to mention various handheld devices they have been able to play with from time to time, courtesy their cousins. And no, I don't have all three of those consoles. When you are a child who possesses two homes, you tend to have a larger variety of, well, everything. And then throw a third home into the mix via Mimi and PawPaw, and these kids have more coming from a broken home than most kids do in a fully united family unit. One of the perks, I guess.

So, the video game thing has really surprised me. I knew that kids became addicted easily, but this is quite ridiculous. Their dad and I work really hard on putting limits on game time. And being a single parent, it can be really easy to let "game time" occupy the kids while you get some much needed chores accomplished. I will not lie and say that I haven't ever done it. I try my hardest, though, not to. But when I do, and I'm not saying I do often, but when I do, then I try not to beat myself up about it. There are too many other things, much bigger things, that I could beat myself up about. And this is not one of them.

So now a new realm of gaming has made it's way into our lives. Albeit my fault, but still. I found this great website called "Jump Start" and if you're a parent, more than likely you've heard of it. I hate that I've introduced my kids to yet another electronic brainwashing device, but this one is educational! And therein lies my justification. If it's educational then it has to be ok, right?

This site is great, though. It's a 3D interactive preschool lesson with dragons, pirates and anything else that lures a child into wanting to learn. They love it and I love the actual lessons the game tricks the kids into learning. Win win!

So if I had to choose between Legos Star Wars (and they have this in the XBox, Playstation AND Wii versions-dear lord) and Jump Start on the computer, well then I would have to choose the lesser of the two anti-physical activity evils. I would have to go with the game with the ulterior motives, Jump Start. Working your brain burns calories, right? So they're not becoming total slobs yet......

27 of 365: Classtime! And they thought they were playing, ha!

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 26 - Better than air guitar....

2010-08-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

Big E said that he was going to work with me tomorrow. I asked him what he was going to do there and he said "make money, mama." And I asked, "how are you going to make money?" Loved his reply, "I'm going paint it and then cut it into rectangles." Wow. If only it were that easy.

26 of 365: I know I already put one shot of Peanut in these pjs, but seriously? How cute is it that he's rocking out on the guitar on front??

Good Night All! I'm gonna go cut some money now.......

Project 365: Day 25 - Remember When?.....

2010-08-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

I have a bad memory. I always have a hard time remembering someone's face. I'm bad at remembering names almost all of the time. I sometimes can't recall if I've seen a movie before. Minor everyday responsibilities often escape me. But nothing boggles my mind more than when I try to think back before kids. I know I lived before then, so there has to be something that happened. I was 32 when they were born, there was definitely life before 32. The question is, who's? And was it any good?

I guess to ask myself if my life was any good before 32 would kind of be an insult to those who were a part of my life before 32. I know that my life was good, great even. I have an amazing family. One that you might not claim as your own in front of a crowd, but behind closed doors, they're your closest allies because you realize you're crazy just like them. I love my crazy amazing family. And my dearest friends from long ago have remained that way to this day. Some have made it past the 15 year mark and one has been precious enough to stand by me for over 27 years.

And while I couldn't imagine my life without all these amazing crazy precious people, at the same time, it is hard for me to remember specific events or interactions I had with them over those 32 years. I barely remember high school. If you add together all 6 years I attended college, I probably remember a combined total of 9 solid days. And I promise you, forgetting was not caused by anything you may be imagining. Hell, if I had done any of those things you are imagining, I might have something to remember.

But it's funny. I know I have a hard time recollecting childhood memories, but I know my childhood was good. I couldn't tell you the names of any of my high school teachers, but they did something right because I graduated with great grades. And I have no idea what kind of elective classes I took in college, but I earned a degree in sociology and they don't just give those things out to anybody.

I don't want the next 20 years of my boys' lives to go by and I'm writing about how I barely remember most of their childhood. I want to soak in as much as I can and maintain a memory database of all things "them" for easy retrieval when I need them most. I cannot allow myself to let their lives flash before me and then slip away into some memory graveyard like I have my own childhood. Digging becomes much harder once they're buried.

The point of all this is that I'm totally excited about this project. It gives me a chance to spend a whole year journaling every single day and commemorating it with a photo. Maybe that photo will help me remember how I felt more than the words I wrote.

25 of 365: Amazing night of giggle wrestling, hiccup laughter, goofy pictures, and silly videos with my favorite men.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 24 - Fleeting chores....

2010-08-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

I want to be one of those moms that gets more done in a day than should be humanly possible. Even though I'm a single parent with a full time job, I still feel like there are moms out there that seem so much more productive than I am. I read the blogs of other moms, some single some not, that manage to finish eight hours of work, pick the kids up from school, after having a conference with the teacher, stop by the grocery store on the way home, cook a well balanced dinner that didn't entail dumping frozen nuggets onto a cookie sheet, clear out the dinner mess, get all kids bathed and in bed, and then have time to craft a well written entry detailing how the hell they were able to get all that done in one day. I'm exhausted just typing that.

Maybe I am that productive and I just can't see it from where I stand. On my days blessed with my children's presence, I think about all the things I want (actually need) to accomplish while the boys are with their dad. And when they are with their dad, I am lazy, spending the whole time thinking about everything I want to do with them when they come back home. And all those needed "accomplishments"? They are but fleeting thoughts of less important matters.

So the reading more books, working on photo projects, updating the ITunes, rearranging my closet, vacuuming my car, cleaning the bathrooms (which most definitely MUST be done this weekend), they all get a back seat to the blissful thoughts of two precious beings. Those boys get shot-gun every time.

24 or 365: I actually did play around with a new app tonight (since I am boy-less). but that was ALL I did.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 23 - Tomorrow....

2010-08-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, much like the lonely tread mill that still sits in darkness in my basement, my pilates equipment has also found a sad resting place in a dark corner of my bedroom. Why does my excitement fade within a few weeks of a new found "ways to make me better" idea?? I don't know. I'll think about that tomorrow.

34 of 365: I'm coming to rescue you dear pilates equipment. Just after I finish this pudding cup and one more episode of Project Runway. I promise.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 22 - A Different Time....

2010-08-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

It was exactly four years ago this weekend that my marriage fell apart. Of course, many tell tell things happened prior to this specific weekend, and many, many changes took place in the weeks, months and years following this specific weekend. But it was exactly four years ago that I knew our marriage would most likely not survive.

I think back to that time and how I tried to figure out what it was I had to do to save it. I also think back to that time, which was just a couple of months prior to the boys' first birthday, and I knew I couldn't deal with it right then. I had a party to plan for goodness sake. I wasn't about to let my personal problems ruin the most significant day of my boys' lives since their birth. But painting the "face" was tough.

This picture perfect family was boiling under the surface yet the image was cool as a cucumber. I remember how our friends and family responded in complete shock as I turned to them for guidance and support. I remember watching those same friends and family, wondering "Are they really as happy as they look? Are they going through anything similar to what we are? Can we ever get back to what they appear to have?" I remember having no answers to their questions as to what happened. Because I honestly didn't know. There are parts of me today that still ponder in the bewilderment of our separation. But that is not the point of this entry.

Today I think back four years ago and how everything I envisioned in our future simply faded into some unknown oblivion. You know how you have this image of yourselves when you're older and your kids are in their teens and then their 20's, 30's, etc? You see yourselves watching them become adults together, sending them off to college together, witnessing them as they make their own families, together. You think about the family trips you'll take together and next house you'll buy together, one with the large backyard, where the boys can play, and maybe once you saved up enough money, you'd put in a pool. You think about grocery shopping together and how you will eternally be debating the benefits between regular milk and soy milk. You think about the trips you'll take together once the kids are off to school and how you'll explore different countries together because you want to teach your kids that the experience of travel is so important.

But not once do you think about doing any of this alone. And four years ago, all of my images of our future together started to blur and eventually fade, until there was nothing but void. After years of building up my imaginary future into this beautiful collage, watching it slip away from my grip was painful. It was as if the current was pulling it away and no matter how hard I swam towards it, the distance grew more and more. I had no control of it. And losing control was not something I was thinking about four years ago.

I post this photo tonight from my archives. It is one of naive oblivion, before the future started fading away. A time when I thought we were ok.

22 of 265: A different time.........

Good night All!

Project 365: Day 21: Winner! part two...

2010-08-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

So my sister is the winner of all things music, more specifically, concerts. Never in my life have I met anyone with a shinier golden touch than her. It is unbelievable. Almost to the point that anytime she wins concert tickets from calling into the radio or filling out some raffle at some community event, the response she gets from everyone is less than she expects. Of course, we all want to be excited for her, but on her 73rd win, the excitement simply becomes a dull hum. I think she has learned to accept the less than stellar response. I think once she wins the mega jackpot lottery, then all our tunes will change!

Of course, anytime she wins, I win too! Because I'm usually the lucky individual that gets to accompany her on these free entertainment vouchers. This year, I've seen New Kids on the Block (I don't want to hear it, it was actually quite entertaining), Rascal Flatts (and I don't even like country music), and tonight's treat..... Maroon 5. Now that was a concert I truly enjoyed! Adam Levine is just too damn sexy for words.

The concert was great. And here is what I promised. My first entry of myself in my blog.

21 of 365: me (left) and my little sister (right).

Good Morning Everyone!

Project 365: Day 20 - Good Stuff....

2010-08-20T20:56:00.000-07:00

Footie Jammies are the best!!

20 of 365: My little rock star.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 18 and 19- Tolerable.......

2010-08-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

(So profound, it deserves two days)

About six months ago, I made a commitment that anytime my boys said anything funny, without the intention of being funny, I would have to write it down. I wish I had made this commitment the day they start talking. I really could have documented some side splitting material. But since I waited until just six months ago, many of the best moments have come and gone and I don't have a lick of memory to account for it. But that's ok. I live my life knowing that the best is yet to come.

But from the things I have written down or the ones I miraculously pulled from my cob-webbed memory vault, I have an endless supply of laughter inducing remedy to cure any blue day. My children put a smile on my face that could not be generated through any other means. They create warmth in my heart that the strongest fire could not match. And they say and do the most amazing things that continue to make me look upon them in awe and wonder how I ever lived before them.

Today's entry into the "my kids say the darnedest things" journal comes from Peanut. I am surprised that I don't have eighteen million entries from that child alone. He talks with the determination of an auctioneer, fearful that his time will be up before he gets to the best parts of his story and possessing more verbal energy than any other human being I've ever met. I often have to tell him to slow down and breath so that he doesn't pass out from lack of oxygen.

So back to the point of my story. We go to get haircuts today, each of them sitting proudly in the salon chair, being worked on simultaneously while I try to maintain a conversation with both of them at the same time. Of course, this is not as easy as it sounds. One mis-timed "yes honey" or "I know" or "mmmm hmmm", then you might have just agreed to ice cream for dinner. But I usually maintain the dueling conversations with ease. However, today's conversation with Peanut caught me off guard. And he wasn't even actually talking to me as much as he was talking to the hair stylist.

I overheard her ask him about being a twin. And then she said "I wish I had a twin sister." Peanut looked up at her and with no hesitation whatsoever he replied, "well, if you want a twin, you have to be tolerable." She and I both stopped all movement and looked at each other, frozen. She had this confused look on her face and I know we were both thinking the same thing. "What did he say?" So I asked him and he replied, "to have a twin, you have to be tolerable." I'm not sure if I was as impressed that he used such a big word or that he knew how to use it as I was his profound interpretation of twin-hood, as unintentional as it may have been.

Who taught him such a large and complex word? And once he learned what it meant, how long did it take him to analyze the delicate relationship he has with his twin brother? I do not think he's ever said anything that made me think more than he did today.

18 or 365: Pulled from my vault of all-time favorite "brothers" pictures.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 17 - Ahhhh......

2010-08-18T19:46:00.001-07:00

Much better. After one miserable night of sticky sweaty sleep (and not the good kind), we have finally cooled this house down. I am learning that sometimes the hands have to go up and wave that white flag. My dependency on the soon to be ex has decreased significantly over the last six months, but there are sometimes (at least for now) that I know I will have to call on him to rescue us.

I'm ok with that. And not having that everyday person I can depend on will continue to take some getting used to. But for now, I know that I am usually enough.

17 of 365: Air......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 16 - I need a handyman.....

2010-08-18T03:18:00.001-07:00

There are many benefits to having a man in the house, besides the obvious. About a month after I moved into my new place I found myself struggling with something that I was embarrassed to admit I needed a man for. It was quite a pickle I was in. I could not open the pasta sauce jar. Pretty sad, I know. But that was just one of those stupid trivial things I didn't think about. How the hell am I going to be able to open pasta jars? Who was going to get rid of the creepy spider in the corner of the room? Who was going to change the water filter in the refrigerator? How will I even know when it's time?

I was sad from my loss of companionship. I was heartbroken from my loss of love. However, I am now just extremely frustrated from my loss of an extra set of hands around the house, stronger hands. But I'm a big girl, right? I can kill the spider. I can buy one of those rubber jar opener thingys. I can find the light in the fridge that tells me when its time. Right? Of course. But come to the rescue when the AC goes out?????? I think not.

16 of 365: Damn it's hot!.....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 15 - Home......

2010-08-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

Despite the occasional phone throwing, foot stomping, "I hate you" bombs my parents endured when I was a teenager, we have always remained a tight knit family. I come from a fairly dysfunctional southern family, west of Atlanta where dysfunctional and southern usually go hand in hand. Although some would like to call it crazy and redneck. I prefer dysfunctional and southern. It makes it sound a bit more "proper". And in the south, it's all about being proper, or at least trying to "claim" proper in some way.

I truly love my family, my very large family, including about 186 cousins. It's funny how in the south, anytime you talk about your family, a cousin always has to make it into the story somehow. And for my family, that's not very difficult. And in this town, growing up, there was always two degrees of separation between you and everyone else in the county.

But still, I love where I grew up, even if I did run like hell when I was old enough to get away from that town. You spend your teenage years wishing you could be anywhere but where you grew up. You just knew that there was real life "out there" somewhere, bubbling with energy and vibrating with amazement. You knew that as soon as you were old enough, you were releasing the grip this old town had on you, closing your eyes and letting the city pull you in like a powerful magnet. You would dream of finding a studio apartment you could share with a complete stranger you met by tearing a piece of fringe from a homemade roommate wanted sign. You would become the best of friends and explore this new vibrant city together taking it by storm. Weathering it with ignorant confidence and naive drunkenness.

At least that's how you would imagine it at the age of 17, when you're tired of high school boys, you're itching so badly for something new in your life that you're skin's becoming raw, and you and your mom fight like teenage sisters sharing a room. I tend to make colorful the stories that would seem rather dull if told by someone else, but in this case, the color is true and bold. I experienced my teenage years with wonderful parents. I know that now. But try to tell me at 15, 16, 17 and I'd look at you like you just swallowed poop and enjoyed it. Yeah, that's how crazy I'd think you were. But being a parent makes everything I did or every way I behaved as a teenager seem so comical now. And I image that's exactly how my mom felt too when she looked at her young children and remembered back when she was a teenager. (and if I'm wrong, I'm sure she'll tell me tomorrow after she reads this)

But alas, even after all the anger, the embarrassment, the wanting to run away as fast as I could, I wouldn't trade going back home for a weekend visit for all the cities in the world. There is no where else in the universe that I could feel as comfortable and as safe as I do when I'm back home.

Thanks for enduring me this weekend, mom and dad.

15 of 365: has nothing to do with my post, but it WAS taken at my parent's house (so it counts)..

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 14 - Happiness Is.......

2010-08-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

Need I say more..........

14 of 365:

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 13 - Passing....

2010-08-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

So I went to a funeral today. Well, it was more of a memorial service, because he was cremated. It was a beautiful service. His children got up and said some very sweet words for their father. One son even wrote a song and played guitar. It was beautiful.

Funerals are interesting to me. No one really knows how to act and you leave there feeling guilty for having smiled at the other guests and saying words like "It was good to see you." How can it be good? The situation for which you are "running into each other" is certainly not a pleasant one. But really, what do you say?

People always try to come up with fond memories of the dearly departed and most are successful. It make me honestly wonder what people will be saying about me. "She was a sweet girl." "Remember that time........" I can only imagine how they will end that statement. And I can only imagine how much of it will be embellished or even completely made up. but the others will nod and agree and claim they remember it too.

I guess that is fine. As long as it paints a somewhat positive light on my life. And as long as they wait until they get home to talk about anything that may conflict with the self-righteous image I try to paint of myself.

So today was about the passing of time, the years that have gone by in the blink of an eye and trying to piece together the memories I have of a person I barely knew.

13 of 365: RIP Ross.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 12 - Faces again......

2010-08-13T20:19:00.001-07:00

My kids love faces.....

12 of 365:

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 11 - Zen-like.....

2010-08-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

Every couple of weeks I like to treat the boys to McDonald's. They love the anticipation of finding out what toy they are getting. They get to release some final energy of the day on the playground. The playground is indoors, which is perfect for Atlanta's 100 degree weather. AND it saves mama from having to cook. Win win!

So tonight the boys were extra excited when we pulled into the parking lot as a surprise. Normally I use McDonald's as my "bribery" to ensure they have a good day at school. But not today. This was pure unadulterated whim.

And everything was going just fine when all of a sudden I look over and in a split second, Peanut is biting into Big E. You swear you think you're past a phase and then it rears it's ugly head in the middle of the McDonald's playground. So that was it! We packed up everything and cut our playtime short. They were both devastated of course. And I tried my best not to give them that "look" that burns itself into every child's memory. But I'm afraid it slipped out.

So on the way home, I look in the rearview mirror and notice Peanut doing something very peculiar. He has filled his cheeks up with air and then very ungracefully spits all the air out. And by that I mean his exhale is accompanied by more spit than air, but his intent is there. I ask him what he is doing and his reply?

"That's how I get rid of my bad energy, mama." Now imagine that in a four year old accent with a slight lisp. I was utterly inspired. I am all about taking a deep breath and releasing whatever negative force is building up inside. But my four year old??! I don't believe I ever taught him that and it's probably something he learned in karate. But who cares? How very zen of him. And it makes him look cool too.

11 of 365: Peanut......

Good Night All!