I'm in love with........

Have you ever been in love with the idea of being in love but didn't love the thought of searching for it? I often wonder if I have the energy to put towards the whole idea of "love" and "relationship." Currently, every ounce of love I own is placed in the hearts of my kids. But I do so miss the idea of being in love. I miss it, yet at the same time I'm not sure if I look forward to it. How can someone who views love as a beautiful addition to life think like this?

Fear.

A word that is as difficult to type as it is to speak out loud. I don't fear not finding it. I don't fear finding it and it not being reciprocated. What I fear is finding it and losing it and being able to explain to my children that that is OK. I don't think that we are destined to find only one true love in our lifetime. If that happens for us, then that is a bonus that life has graciously thrown our way. But if that is not the case, if we are to encounter many people with whom love is possible, then life has given us a tapestry in which to live. I sometimes like the idea of the tapestry more than the hope of that one true love. It gives me a silver-lining around the fact that my marriage did not last. I kid,..... kinda. But the tapestry is beautiful, full of experience, full of color, full of unexpected gifts. The love between my husband and myself didn't live as long as we did and I'm OK with that. I just hope that my children can understand that even though my experiences may not be ideal in someone else's eyes, I am happy.

But seriously, what do I know about love anyway? Our current modern world of “serial relationships” throws us into affairs in which we entertain installments of love. And are those chapters merely our method of obtaining interval love for which that is all we crave or are they our foundation for the goal we ultimately desire? A means to an end so to speak. Do we circle the globe sifting through these chapters to create an unedited version of our love or do we get swept up by that one true love and live the rest of our lives knowing that the journey around the world is not necessary? However love finds you, whether in a single instant or through color-filled chapters, you get to enjoy the single most amazing experience that life was created for. Love. And anyone that doesn’t appreciate life’s purpose through love, well, I would have to declare that I am very sad for them.

I will say this, I am in love with the idea of falling in love again. It excites me and scares me and creates anxiety that I thrive off of. But I'm more in love with two pint-sized men that don't need me to prove anything to them. My chapters will always begin and end here.

Happy Living All!

Thankful Thursday........

Thursday again and my favorite posting topic. With all the chaos that makes up our daily lives and all the bad events that make up our society, I love taking the time to reflect and recite the things I am thankful for in my life. Here are today’s five items:

1. I am overwhelming thankful for my light-up-my-life boys!

2. I am thankful for the fact that my STBE and I have finally completed all of our “D” paperwork! I kept putting it off, not because I was hoping for reconciliation, but because there were just SO many papers and it felt kinda like homework.

3. I am extremely excited about looking for my own place. It is going to be hard doing the “mommy” thing alone, b/c having both parents in the household rocks! But at the same time, I feel like I will be gaining my independence again and that is little exciting.

4. I am thankful that my STBE is actually helping me look for a place. He really wanted me and the boys to be able to stay in our current house, but I can’t afford it on my own. So he will keep the house and take over the payments. I know what you’re thinking…. “Stupid girl! You keep the house and make him help you pay for it!” I understand your thinking. Really, I get it. But I’m trying to make this less stressful. And honestly, I’m really looking forward to a new place. Change is Good!!!

5. And finally, I am thankful that my boys are fully potty trained!!!! (I will be honest, we do have the rare occasional accident) But cleaning up poopy diapers is a thing of the past!! Yay!!! Way to go my sweet boys! I mean my B-I-G boys!!!!! Mama loves you!

Happy Living All! =)