Chapters......

The sun is bright in my office today. I look at that as a sign that the events of this week will brightly guide my life to come. That sounds kind of corny, I know. But I’m a bit mentally overwhelmed at this moment. Tomorrow marks a day that has been in the crafting stages for a very long time. I’ve written about it until I’m blue in the face and I do not plan on re-penning the actions that have led me here. As a matter of fact, today marks the last entry in my blog as it currently exists.

This blog has been a good friend to me. Allowing me to unload emotions in a time when I had no other outlets that I hadn’t already worn out. Friends and family have been priceless to me. But as I have spoken to them over the years, my words have disappeared into their memories as well as mine. Being able to come here and write those same spoken words down has given me the opportunity to look back days, weeks, even months after I’d written them and discover that I truly have grown throughout this process. Yes, my family and friends have told me that I’ve grown. But you never fully understand it until you can look back on those times with written evidence of your emotion.

When I started this site two years ago, I had no idea the time it would take to complete this process. And I know that “this process” will never be fully complete as I will maintain some sort of relationship with my ex for the rest of my life through our children. Being fortunate with an amazing support group through my family and friends, as well my own personal determination, will be an asset in making sure that relationship remains as positive as possible.

Growth does not come without a price, though. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you still want to wear good shoes even when you’re walking through the shit and the muck. My outlook on life has remained positive. And there were times I thought I would break. There were times I thought my optimism would falter me and bring more pain than comfort. There were times I flat out thought I should shut down and let every bad feeling take over because it just seemed easier. I almost lost something I hold dear and that is my demeanor. I almost became the thing I despise and that is bitter. But because I was determined to wear heels through the shit, they made me feel better when I walked out the other side and a water hose was waiting for me to clean them off.

I close this chapter in my life with renewed confidence and I look forward to an amazing chapter already in the development stages. This new chapter is marked with a new love, the never ending love of my precious boys, and a new blog that’s coming soon.

Happy Living All!

I’ll see you soon……………

"I Cannot Legislate Stupidity"......

As a requirement to get divorced in the great county of Dekalb, parents must endure four and a half hours of what I like to call “We know some of you are not as stupid as we may think, but just in case……” parental lecturing. Yesterday, I was happy to sit in a back-breaking chair for four hours listening to two psychologists tell me things I already knew, while drinking coffee so stale that the dead beans haunted my taste buds for the remainder of the day. Why? Because it put me one step closer to D day.

I don’t knock the seminar all together. The speakers were actually very good. I enjoyed many of their stories and agreed with each and every one of their points about raising healthy children through divorce. I just spent a great deal of time yesterday wondering how many other parents in that same room would walk away with this information and actually put it to some good use. As I panned the room with my eyes and curiosity, I watched as some parents grumbled derogatory comments under their breath of their soon-to-be ex spouses. I sat back and listened to questions that I swear had to have come from the kids themselves and not the parents sitting before us claiming the question is theirs. I witnessed even the speakers marvel at these questions wondering if it was some kind of joke and should they really entertain an answer or just move on as if they never heard a word. It was truly an amusement park of dysfunction. And by that, I mean how many kids, from this room alone, are going to be so f’d up once this whole thing is over?

While I occupied my time with this undeniable entertainment, I couldn't help but sit back and look to my left and appreciate what I had. Because, contrary to the rest of the room, sitting next to me was my soon-to-be ex spouse. Out of 50-60 other people in attendance, we were the only couple to attend this seminar together. Could it be that we are the rare 3% of couples that can do this as a unified force, on friendly terms, without the threat of firearms? How can the number be so small of parents that see the benefit of ending on the best terms possible? Why is it that there are more people out there that would rather hash out the worst case scenario instead of thinking about a positive environment for their children?

As we completed the class and our certificates were handed out to us, I decided that I would not question the choices of those other parents, but rather appreciate the choices that my soon-to-be ex spouse and I make on a daily basis. Our divorce was about the two of us splitting amicably. Our future is about our children living happily.

Happy Living All!

P.S. The title of today's post is courtesy of one of the speakers at the seminar in response to a parent's question.

The Longest Three Weeks.......

March 23rd is quickly approaching and I feel like a kid in a candy store. I don’t want that to come across wrong, but dear lord, this has been building for so many years that the actual “formal” finalizing of the divorce seems comical at this point. Only b/c we’ve already been divorced in every sense of the word for years.

You would think that I could just walk into the judge’s office and say:

“Your honor, my husband and I have been separated for five and half years. We started living in opposite ends of the house when the boys were one. We decided three years ago that we didn’t want to be married anymore. I moved out and bought my own house 14 months ago. Do we really have to wait another three weeks before this thing is real? Can’t you see that it was real a long time ago? Don’t you have it in your heart to call a spade a spade and end this already? Why must we wait three more longs weeks to “finalize” something that was final five years ago? Why must we take time off work to drive down to your courtroom and sit for God knows how long and then get up there just for you to say ‘well, looks like everything’s in order. You are hereby divorce.’? Why drag this out any longer?”

To which I’m sure you would promptly reply:

“Hell honey, you’ve wait five years………. What’s three more weeks?”

Touché your honor. Touché.


Happy Living All!

Wake Up!.......

So my distractions from writing and, well..... just about everything, can be attributed to some good things. The papers have been filed and a court date set. But even more so than that, my attention has been completely diverted. It's crazy how things happen in our lives that take us by utter surprise. And I would be lying if I said that the swift moving forward of the progression of divorce was completely out of the blue. Sometimes it takes 'waking up' to know that you have to quit standing still and start skipping forward. My awakening makes me smile everyday. My awakening has turned my brain on again. My awakening dances with me every night. I'm so happy to be awake.

Have you ever had someone make you feel like a giddy teenager? Just curious.

Happy Living All.

Project 365: Day 37 - Sneak Attack.......

I didn't want my birthday post to be remembered with sadness and that is why I didn't post much last night. I'm not going to say that this was the saddest birthday I've ever had, but I will say it ranks among them. Anyone that goes through any kind of separation or ultimate divorce can relate to the massive array of emotions one goes through. One minute you're ok, accepting the path you have chosen and looking forward to the brighter days ahead that you know are coming. And the next minute a rush of said emotions can sneak up on you and slap you in the face and knock you on your ass. Now, I'm not saying I got knocked on my ass last night, but I did experience a slight sneak attack.

My weekend started out wonderfully. A relaxing trip home, a fruitless fishing trip that my boys loved despite no bites, and chocolate cake that was better than sex. It was great. As I've said before, my family rocks.

My weekend time with my boys would end with a trip to a wonderful park near their dad's house. We met him there along with his brother's family. It was great seeing them and hanging out for the short time I was able to. I don't see them often now, especially since they moved to Savannah. They have a new baby boy with a smile that goes on for miles and their sweet girl? Well, she has a voice that I could little to forever. She is three and a half and my boys just love spending time with their cousin from Savannah. The afternoon at the park was nice.

The sneak attack ended up being the last event of the night. I stayed at "the dad's" house for dinner, watched the boys play video games at their request, joined in on a little Wii myself. And we ended the evening with the last few minutes of a Star Wars movie. Everything was great, but it was time to say my good byes. That's when the crying started. Now, they were only crying because they were tired and we all know that emotions are amplified when we are tired. So I tried to be gentle. Hugging each of them equally and kissing them until it irritated them more. I felt like I had things under control as far as their crying was going, but then it happened. The dad snapped at Peanut. It had been a long day, everyone was tired and Peanut has entered into this "not listening" phase, so at some level, I can understand the short temper the dad might have had. But, come on! It's my birthday! Don't make this transitional moment harder for me than it already is.

Of course, Peanut didn't take getting in trouble very well. And he began to cry for me even harder. And in between each pitiful wimper as I carried him up to his bed were the words I too cried at the sound of.... "I gonna miss you so much mama." Those words made the trip up those stairs the longest in all the years I'd walked them.

And Big E followed suit for his brother's sake, repeating the same wimper and the same words, "I gonna miss you so much too mama." What else could I do? I crawled in bed with them and held onto them until they both fell asleep. As I lay there in their bed, I looked up at the dim ceiling wondering how in the hell did I get here? And then I wondered, why in the hell do I keep asking myself that same question? I know what happened, I know how I got there, and I know that I need to roll out of their bed and go home. And I did. I didn't even say bye to the dad. I just walked out.

My boys would be ok in the morning. They would forget all about how upset they were the night before and they would play with their cousins before they headed back to Savannah. But I might not be as ok. I will remember the next morning and I may not see their cousins for a long time. As I drove home, I cried. For the first time in a very long time, I cried. And there it was, the sneak attack.

I have been able to keep most of my emotions at bay for a very long time. And these emotions were not at all for the loss of my marriage. I can honestly say that I dealt with the emotions of separation a long time ago. No, these emotions were for the separation I endure every single time I have to leave my boys. Separation from your husband is one thing. But separation from your children is whole 'nother ball game.

As I drove home, I let the emotions come out as they may (as if I ever had any control over them). And then I was ok. By the time I got home, I was ok. But as I turned into my driveway, a completely new emotion struck me.......

CRAP!!! I left my birthday cake in his damn refrigerator!!!!!! The tears came again....

37 of 365: This shot just makes me giggle.

Good Night All.

Project 365: Day 22 - A Different Time....

It was exactly four years ago this weekend that my marriage fell apart. Of course, many tell tell things happened prior to this specific weekend, and many, many changes took place in the weeks, months and years following this specific weekend. But it was exactly four years ago that I knew our marriage would most likely not survive.

I think back to that time and how I tried to figure out what it was I had to do to save it. I also think back to that time, which was just a couple of months prior to the boys' first birthday, and I knew I couldn't deal with it right then. I had a party to plan for goodness sake. I wasn't about to let my personal problems ruin the most significant day of my boys' lives since their birth. But painting the "face" was tough.

This picture perfect family was boiling under the surface yet the image was cool as a cucumber. I remember how our friends and family responded in complete shock as I turned to them for guidance and support. I remember watching those same friends and family, wondering "Are they really as happy as they look? Are they going through anything similar to what we are? Can we ever get back to what they appear to have?" I remember having no answers to their questions as to what happened. Because I honestly didn't know. There are parts of me today that still ponder in the bewilderment of our separation. But that is not the point of this entry.

Today I think back four years ago and how everything I envisioned in our future simply faded into some unknown oblivion. You know how you have this image of yourselves when you're older and your kids are in their teens and then their 20's, 30's, etc? You see yourselves watching them become adults together, sending them off to college together, witnessing them as they make their own families, together. You think about the family trips you'll take together and next house you'll buy together, one with the large backyard, where the boys can play, and maybe once you saved up enough money, you'd put in a pool. You think about grocery shopping together and how you will eternally be debating the benefits between regular milk and soy milk. You think about the trips you'll take together once the kids are off to school and how you'll explore different countries together because you want to teach your kids that the experience of travel is so important.

But not once do you think about doing any of this alone. And four years ago, all of my images of our future together started to blur and eventually fade, until there was nothing but void. After years of building up my imaginary future into this beautiful collage, watching it slip away from my grip was painful. It was as if the current was pulling it away and no matter how hard I swam towards it, the distance grew more and more. I had no control of it. And losing control was not something I was thinking about four years ago.

I post this photo tonight from my archives. It is one of naive oblivion, before the future started fading away. A time when I thought we were ok.

22 of 265: A different time.........

Good night All!

Saturday Nights.............

Nights like tonight are what I dread all week long. It's like the air being let out of my balloon. No, it's like my teeth being punched out of my mouth. I see them flying across the room and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, but watch them land on the other side and hope they can be somewhat repaired like new. I'm talking about my child crying in the back seat of daddy's car when he comes to pick them up. I've had them for "my share" of the time and now it's daddy's turn. I know I agreed to this custody arrangement, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I know that it is better for the boys in the long run, but that doesn't mean it will make it easier. And I know that it is only fair to everyone, but that doesn't mean I still won't cry on Saturday nights. Every Saturday night.

Ugh! I have got to get a life!!!!!! One that doesn't result in me drowning my sorrows in Amstel Light every single Saturday...................... alone. If I were enjoying this Amstel Light with a great girlfriend in some cool bar, staring at some hot guy, that would be much much better. Well, enjoying the beer WITH the hot guy would be much much better. But right now I would settle for any warm blooded human being. Anyone that prevents me from literally saying "cheers" to the computer screen would be awesome!

But I digress. I know that this is one of the many steps I must endure before my life makes that miraculous turn around some blind-sided corner and my eyes are opened to a world of possibilities. And part of me actually believes that fairy tale bullshit. Because if I don't let some part of me believe in it, then, really.....what is this all for? I could have just endured many more years in a loveless marriage, being "friends" with my husband, and never being truly loved again. OOOOOORRRRRRRRR, I can dig down inside of me, pull out as much courage as I can find among the blood and gore and such, step off the plank and dive deep into an ocean of crap and tears and uncertainty (and beer) all in the name of finding those "possibilities" that damn fairy tale talks about in the first place.

So there. I said it........ I believe in fairy tales........... I believe in happy endings. But luckily for me, I am realistic about it. I know that it won't come today or tomorrow or even next week. I know that there are a great deal of obstacles I must face and trip over before I am able to quit stumbling and walk straight. I know that crying on Saturday nights might be the norm for a little while (unless one of my girlfriends would like to come rescue me sometime, I mean seriously.....) So until then, I will keep believing in the fairy tale and the happy ending that I know someday will be mine.

And I'm going to enjoy this beer.

Happy Living All!

A Writer's Workshop Kind of Day.........

So I have been reading Mama Kat (www.mamakatslosinit.com) for a while now. Love her! And she has these great writer’s workshops. Until today, I have never really taken part. But this week I was intrigued.

Given my current circumstances, I chose Prompt No. 1. “Write a letter to yourself from someone who has passed on. (ie: parent, grandparent, famous person, friend, pet, etc)” I chose my dear late mother in law.


Dear Raina,

I had hope in my heart, when I first met you, that you would fill a needed spot in my son’s life. And although I left him only two months after you two were married, I felt certain that you had succeeded. A man much like his father, my son was always tightly lipped about anything real or raw. But you saw in him something that could be penetrated. A quiet spirit with an endearing smile. He lit up around you and I saw his heart in a way that had been hidden from me, hidden from the world. Even after I was gone, I saw him secretly give into you. But still I knew the journey you had before you.

I was there when you tried to comfort him in my absence. I held your hand when you tried to hold his. I was there for the next six months as you lost loved ones in your own life. I held his hand as he tried to hold yours.

I rejoiced in the birth of my first grandchildren, twin boys that resembled my own sons so much. I watched as you hoped this creation would open my son’s eyes to you and let you in his heart just a little more. I watched as the disappointment grew when that didn’t happen.

I stood by you when you tried to understand what was happening. My son building his wall, the only thing he knew to protect himself. I know that you questioned what it was he was protecting himself from. I wanted so much to help you understand that this was something you would never be able to understand. This wasn’t your fault.

I watched as you struggled with your courage and hoped that the courage I had in my own life could be your inspiration. I put my arms around you as wept at the loss of your marriage. I embraced my son too. And I know that you braved every urge to give up long before now. I know that you tried very hard to hold onto something that just didn’t want to be held. I do not blame you. I am proud that you are still my son’s friend. I am proud that you found the courage to face the scary road of divorce and still remain my son’s friend. I am proud of you both.

Today I hold the hands of my grandchildren as they struggle to adjust to this new life. Today and for all their days ahead, I will stand by them and embrace them as they walk this life and stare down their own forks in the road.

I love you and miss you,
E

Happy Living All!

The next step.....

So, in my journey towards single-motherhood, many decisions have to be made. And one thing that people have a hard time understanding is that I am involving the STBE in most of them. It is important to me that we maintain civility during a trying time for both of us. It is amazing to me that people expect there to be so much anger and hostility and negativity. As you most of you know, negativity is not part of my make-up.

But it is easier for people to accept the idea of "being mad" rather than "being happy." We both want to be happy and it is not possible to accomplish that with anger. So we do what we need to do to make it a positive environment for our children. This is going to affect them regardless. Why influence that affect with anything less than "positive" images in a sad situation. Therefore, he has been a part of this "new home" decision. He joined me and my agent when we went to look at it. He helped me weigh options regarding one place over another. And ultimately, he will move to the general area to be close to his children. And I want him close to his children. He deserves to be as big a part of their lives as I do.

So we are now at the point of my moving out. I found a house, which I am truly excited about. Gut-wrenchingly scared to death about, but excited none the less. Fear will be a natural re-occurrence during this most significant transition. But I will conquer it like anything else. One day at a time.

Many people in my life have mixed emotions about this move and I don't blame them. They, too, are scared for me. But if they know anything about me, they know I will look this challenge in the face with an arrogant stance and flip it the bird.

Happy Living All!