Project 365: Day 99 - And Off She Goes....

Looks like I'm flying out again tomorrow for business. My boss comes to ask if I can go and, once again, there was no way I was going to say "no." I actually kind of already anticipated that they might ask me to go again this week. That's why I made arrangements with the boys' dad to have them one extra night this past weekend. Flying out on a late flight just to spend one evening in another city and the entire next day in seminars and training sessions is well worth it when my reward was spending all that quality time I got with my boys.

My babies called me tonight before they went to bed as they do every night they are with their dad. It's hard for me to believe that they're five now. But then they open their mouths and they speak like they're 10. I exaggerate of course. But the conversations we have now are so colorful and animated and the investment they have in whatever they're talking about is like I'm right there in front of them. I never want to rush to get off the phone. Our four or five days a week fly by in a flash and that makes the phone calls all the more precious. I could talk to them for hours.

I'm already looking forward to their phone call tomorrow night. I'll be in another town, a thousand miles away. I'll tell them about my ride in the airplane. Peanut will tell me all about the pet name his teacher, Mrs. Alicia, has for him: "_____y poo" . (leaving it blank for obvious reasons.) And Big E will explain to me how General Greibus (Star Wars character - that's how we pronounce it) is a bad guy and how Dark Badar (again, our pronunciation) is a bigger bad guy. I could listen to them forever. I actually need to buy a tape recorder so that I can just record their voices. Listening as Peanut learns to say million (mill-ee-on) and Big E as he struggles with his S's, well..... there's no sound on earth that's sweeter. Music to my ears.

Hopefully travel will not become a regular thing. But if it does, I might have to invest in one of those cameras for my computer or learn how to skype.

99 of 365: Since my sweet boys are not with me tonight, I pulled a couple more favorites from the archives....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 98 - Ours, Not Mine....

Often times I feel as though my posts are bordering generic and I feel guilty. Almost as if I'm posting simply to be posting. And truth be told, that is probably the case. There are a great deal of things that I think about opening up about and then I change my mind, wondering if I have a right. After all, the things that happen in my life don't just happen to me alone. There are other people involved and I have to be sensitive to those people in my life.

I have a feeling many other bloggers go through this same tug of war. Do we write about everything or do we compromise our art for the sake of being considerate? Sometimes it's not even about the privacy of other people but rather the idea of becoming a true "open book." Do I really want to air all of my dirty laundry to the world? Who does that help? Me? My children? Strangers I'll never meet?

About two weeks ago, the boys' father finally asked me about my site. Keep in mind, I've been doing this for over two and a half years. Posting about me and my children and uploading photos for the whole world to see. He was concerned that I was serving our children up to strangers, more specifically "very bad" strangers. And to be perfectly honest with you, I never really looked at it that way. Does that make me a bad mother? I actually started feeling guilty that the thought never crossed my mind. How could it not? Society is so full of really bad people and the internet can, at times, be a cesspool of scum (present company not included, of course.)

I know exactly what my mom is saying right now.... "don't let this deter your momentum, don't let this stop you from doing what you enjoy and what you've spent years cultivating." I absolutely agree with her, but you know what? I actually agree with him too. His concern, albeit a couple of years late, is warranted. These are not just my children. They are our children and if he wants to be concerned about how I display them to the world, well, then he has a right to.

I guess I'm writing about this because if I choose to stop posting every single night, it will not be because he asked me to. He actually didn't. Again, this is a man of very few words and the fact that he even opened about his concerns, well, that surprised me and, at the same time, impressed me. He simply asked me about it and said that he felt uneasy. He never told me to quit doing it. I don't think he would ever do that. But he did ask if I could make it private, so that only people I knew would be able to view it. My response was.......... "I don't think I want to do that."

So it's not like I'm completely ignoring his concerns. I hear them and I share them. But if I made my site private, I would feel like I was defeating the purpose of my site. Which is to share a story about a mom who was blind-sided by separation and the loss of her marriage, but who is learning to cope with her new life as a single parent. If I hide that story from the people who might actually be looking for proof that they are not alone in their own journey, then I would be turning my back on one of the reasons I do it. I write my story for three reasons: for me, for my boys, and for the countless other single moms who need to know they have a family and that there is a more pleasant side to divorce.

I still have not decided whether or not I will end my "Project 365" at day 100. But if I do, know that the choice was mine for the reasons I stated last night. I don't want this to become work. I want this to still be an outlet and a place I can go when what I'm experiencing as a single mom is relevant. I may not post every night, but you can bet your ass that a two and half year project will not simply cease. And who knows, maybe I'll change the name from "Project 365" to "100 Days with Peanut and Big E."

I will actually not be posting a photo tonight. My boys and I were too lazy to take pictures. But we did have a great weekend, lounging around in pjs, baking cookies and watching movies for the past two days.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 97 - Decisions, Decisions......

As I draw closer to my 100th post, I've found myself contemplating ending my "project" there. I honestly, feel like I have gone a great deal farther than I ever thought I would. I guess that goes against my optimistic views, haha. But honestly speaking, I never thought I would consistently post every night (with the exception of that one night).

Material is easy to come by with two boys and I have a massive vault of photos to choose from. I think my biggest challenge comes on days when single parenthood has wiped me out. I have only four nights a week with my boys. I usually spend as much quality time with them as I can and therefore, I put off posting until after they're in bed. Of course, I usually pass out with them which requires me to wake up dazed and confused around 11:30. I stumble down stairs, because I have a commitment to keep damn it. And I'm not going to let myself down.

I love posting. I love having a digital journal that I can actually print and maybe one day, my boys will want to read it. I love connecting with other single parents. I love reading comments from dear friends that encourage my every move. But when something starts to feel like it's becoming work rather than a creative outlet or a passion, then I usually take that as my cue to move on.

I haven't made my decision yet. I may stick this thing out for the next 265 days. But if I do decide to move in a different direction, I will not be disappointed in myself. 100 days is a lot of days. And if I decide to write once a week, I think I may give myself the opportunity to be more creative and more insightful.

Stand by......

97 of 365: One of my all-time favorites...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 96 - And the Weekend of "Nothing" Begins...

I honestly think that I should have been a detective. Maybe I was a detective in a former life or something. Because I love a juicy case to solve. You know I work for a law firm, but not a criminal defense attorney or assistant D.A. It's a real estate firm, so not much investigating opportunity there. But every now and then I get a sweet dilemma or mystery that needs figuring out. And today was one of those days. Of course, I cannot go into detail about the merits of the case. I love my job too much to risk anything of the sort. But I will say that today was just one of those days that my former life crossed paths with my present one.

Tonight my boys and I started our weekend of "nothing" with a little Mickey D's (what!... no cooking is ok on the weekend of "nothing"), a little Scooby Doo Haunted House, an overly long session of sorting plastic dinosaurs and finally a Ben 10 marathon. But somewhere in the middle of all that, my boys wanted me to take pictures of them close-up. Ok.... I lie. I wanted to take pictures of them. But they always happily indulge me.

96+ of 365: faces.......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 95 - Quality Time.....

I cannot begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to this weekend. This will be the first one without a million plans AND my first weekend home in several weeks. Needless to say, I am super behind with house stuff, but I will be taking full advantage of every second I have with just my babies. I love family time and birthday parties and school functions. But I also love quiet weekends where the three of us are in charge of our schedule and we have no where we have to be.

95 of 365: Quality time is absolutely priceless.....

Pumpkin patch at age four

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 94 - Welcome Home Mama.....

Traveling is tough. Especially when its one quick night and all the pillows in youe hotel room are down pillows.

94 of 365: But I did get to come home to lots of candy and my sweet babies...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 92 - The Power of Positive Relationships....

This weekend was one of those amazing weekends that you just want to freeze in your brain for the rest of your life. I can't begin to tell you how much I love spending joyous times with my boys. And this weekend was no exception. And I was able to do it with the boys' father in a harmonious fashion. Which always makes things easier.

As a single parent you realize that your relationships with the people around you are extremely important. You need certain support levels that you might not seek as a married couple or dual parent household. I lean on my parents for a great deal of support and therefore I always make sure our relationship is in check. Which doesn't take much effort. My parents have always been major supporters of me and I will always be eternally grateful for that.

I also lean on my friends for their ears and their shoulders when things get rough and I need someone outside my regular "go to" mama. It takes a little more effort keeping those relationships in check because the work needed on both sides of the equation can become harder with busy schedules and differing lifestyles. But I always do my part and my friends are amazing for doing theirs.

Being able to have a "harmonious (as I earlier put it) relationship with the boys' father can take a little more effort than all of the above, but it is one of the most important relationships I have to focus on. I know that there are so many people out there who wear the "single parent" name tag that don't have the level of harmony with their former significant others as I have with mine. Of course, I'm not going to lie and say that everything between us is great, because if it were, well, I wouldn't actually be writing this right now. I would be back in my home with my boys at this very moment. There are many things that we disagree on. Some of them having to do with how we raise our children, but most of them having to do with our own personal relationship with each other.

And even though we may never see eye to eye again on our feelings about our marriage or ourselves, we will always bring forth a harmonious front for our children. And the "front" will never be faked or forced. We love spending time with them and we love making them happy. We weren't able to do it together as husband and wife, but we know we have the opportunity to do it together as friends and parents. I will always hold on to that and appreciate the fact that we are strong enough and mature enough to agree at least on that.

This weekend we, as a team, enjoyed a day at Six Flags with the boys, and then another day planning and hosting their birthday party. I had fun. He had fun. And most importantly.... the boys had fun. We will never agree on everything, but we will always love our boys.

92 of 365: Here's to you, Batman and Robin!!!

Good Night All!

Project 365: day 90 - Apologies....

So I guess I have to start out with an apology. Not necessarily to you. You probably don't care that I missed a days post. But I do need to apologize to myself for faltering on a commitment I made to post everyday for a year. But hell...... Who am I kidding? I'm a single mom who was damn exhausted last night and passed out at 9 with her son. If I miss a post once every 90 days, I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

All I want to say now? HAPPY BiRTHDAY BOYS!!!!!! Mama loves you more than you wil ever know!

90 of 365: Unfortunately blogger is having issues again allowing a photo. I will revise tomorrow.

Good night all!

Project 365: Day 89 - Preparing for the Weekend.....

The next few days are going to be hectic, hectic, hectic. But I'm totally looking forward to all of it. Tomorrow - Fall Carnival at boys' school. Saturday - heading to Six Flags for the boys' birthday. Sunday - Halloween and the boys' birthday party! You won't hear a whole lot from me in words, but the pictures will come!

89 of 365: Brothers and Best Friends....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 88 - "It's sometimes difficult to think clearly when you're strapped to a printing press." - Batman

Having a birthday the day before Halloween forever sentences you to a life of Halloween costume birthday parties. I even vowed that this year I would not do a Halloween party for their birthday. They wanted a Batman theme party. They've talked about it and planned it for the past six months.

So, when I told their dad that we would have their "non-halloween" birthday party on their actual birthday, the 30th, he surprised me by disagreeing. Normally he just goes with the flow without much of an opinion when it comes to things like that. But not this year. He really wanted to have their birthday on Halloween. Not because he just loves this holiday, much to the contrary actually. He won't even dress up no matter how many times I begged him over the years. No, he just said that he likes the idea of the boys having all their friends there to go trick or treating with them. It was actually hard for me to disagree.

But I did stand my ground on one crucial point. This would NOT be a Halloween themed party with spiders hanging from the ceiling, lighted pumpkins everywhere, pumpkin shaped birthday cakes, or ghost covered paper lanterns scattered about. Nope. This is going to be a Batman party. Invitations, paper products, treat bags and even the boys themselves will be based on the classic super heroes.

We were going to make it a "family" affair with Big E as Robin, Peanut as Batman, myself as Batgirl or Robinette, and the dad as the Joker (quite fitting as the bad guy, huh? Of course, getting him in it would be a whole 'nother battle). So, the family cartoon would have been great. Unfortunately, I'm not in the tramping mood this year and therefore feel it is inappropriate for a 37 year old mom to wear the hoochy mama costumes they have the nerve to advertise as Batgirl or Robinette. Honestly, the Batgirl costume is not sooo bad, but they make it out of some cheap looking patent pleather that looks more like something I would wear to a fetish bar than to a child's birthday party. And Robinette? Yeah, it has "holy horny, Batman!" written all over it. Not gonna happen.

So what did I opt for? Well, it had to be something that was child appropriate, figure forgiving, and possibly suitable for work (in case I get lucky enough that they allow dressing up this year). So I settled on a super cute Hobo Clown number I actually found at Wal-Mart. And it's not the dumpy oversized hobo that your mom made you wear in elementary school. It's really very cute and figure flattering to boot! And yes, pictures will be shared following the holiday.

So, while I may have won the battle on Batman favors over Halloween cupcakes, I will forever lose the war within myself in which I surrender to wear a costume. How could I ever turn myself down??

88 (a,b,c) of 365: A family that Halloweens together stays together.....

Pictures from the boys' 3rd Halloween themed Birthday party......

Gorgeous mom as a dark fairy...

Awesome dad as the best Batman ever...

Me as a witch (without my hat) and the sweetest sister in the world as a pirate.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 87 - Where are you?......

A great deal can happen to a person in five years. I look back five years ago and wonder "could I have ever imagined being where I am today?" And the answer, of course, is no. But I guess every person on the face of the earth can say the same thing. No matter how much you try to plan for your life, it just doesn't work that way.

I was blessed to be introduced to two amazing boys five years ago. With them came unimaginable love and understanding that I didn't even know I was capable of feeling. Love is an obvious choice of words. But understanding? You may ask why I chose that particular word. The problems in my marriage didn't start a year ago when I decided to move out or even four years ago when I decided to start taking anti-anxiety medication. Our problems started long before these two amazing children entered our lives. They started before the idea of children even came into play.

So why did I stay for so long in a relationship that was bound to end up this way? I don't usually try to ask myself that question. Because to ask would be to discredit "their" existence. It doesn't matter anymore what happened or when it happened or why it happened. All that matters is that I did stay and thankful for that I will always be. That is what I understand.

I am a firm believer that things happen for reason. I know. I know. What a cliche. But isn't it true? Can't you look at your own life, and the circumstances that came to be because of decisions you made at some point or another, and say "hey, that happened for this reason?" The place in which we stand today exists because of the road we chose to take, for better or for worse. And the "reason" may not be something we can see clearly right now, but it will come into our view sooner or later. That is what I understand.

I started seeing clearly five years ago. And although my present situation may not be the ideal one, I know that the what, when and why doesn't matter except to show me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. That is what I understand.

This weekend I will celebrate the day that God opened my eyes five years ago. They are the reason for every road I have chosen to travel down my entire life. Those choices didn't start the day I married their father. Those choices started long before I even met him. That is what I understand.

87 of 365: Everything in my life happened for this reason:

Boys 4th Birthday

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 86 - Mondays....

I'm not a big fan of Mondays.

86 of 365: But I am huge fan of them......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 85 - A Perfect Weekend.....

I am home from the weekend at my parent's. The house is quiet and will be until Tuesday night. I have too many bags to unpack and too much laundry to do. So I'm going to keep it short tonight. I had a great weekend and I slept far too much (who knew prescription cough syrup had Hydrocodone in it???) My mom was awesome by letting me sleep almost the entire weekend. My dad was so precious for washing my car! And my sister was the best play date to the boys.

It's going to be tough not going back every single weekend.

85 (+) of 365: a perfect weekend....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 84 - Mimi Blogger....

I like to walk with Mimi.

Her steps are short like mine.

She doesn't say "Now hurry up."

She always takes her time.

I like to walk with Mimi.

Her eyes see things like mine do.

Wee pebbles bright, a funny cloud,

And hidden drops of dew.

Most people have to hurry.

They do not stop and see.

I'm glad that God made Mimi,

Unrushed and young like me.

My grandkids wrote this poem for me. Well, it was really Raina Paina. She wanted to change it up a bit tonight and, well.... I've never blogged before. By the way - I'm Mimi, guest writer for Day 84 - my one and only appearance.

What a wonderful weekend at Mimi's house. And we all know..... What happens at Mimi's........ stays at Mimi's.

84 of 365: Pumpkin carvin' with Mimi and PaPaw.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 83 - Family Roast...

I have to say that this evening is one of the most enjoyable evenings I've had in a very long time. We decided that, since the boys' dad was going to be out of town this weekend and I would get the joy of having my babies until Sunday night, we would spend the weekend with Mimi and PaPaw and Aunt C. Of course the boys love any excuse to head west and, well, I do too. It's crazy how preparing the three of us to spend the weekend at the grandparents is almost like packing up for a month long road trip. This morning I left the house with a total of five bags. One for my clothes, one for the boys' clothes, one for my computer and camera stuff, one for food I wanted to bring and one for miscellaneous items I either needed to return to mom or flat out give to her. I'm amazed I even remembered the boys with all the stuff packed in the back of the car.

After arriving, Dad and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few various items, but most importantly the marshmallows! Daddy spent the afternoon getting the fire pit set up and wood chopped so that we could all roast marshmallows surrounding a warm fire under a full moon. And boy was that moon amazing. Bright and beautiful and almost close enough to touch. It lit up the swing set perfectly providing just enough light to encourage the boys higher and higher.

I'm still recovering from my bizarre bout of pneumonia, but it didn't stop me from laughing until the muscles in my stomach burned and I thought I would cough up a lung. Mom, Dad, sister and myself all sat back as Peanut and Big E provided an endless amount of entertainment, sneaking up behind us in the darkness, giggling and whispering and then jumping out at us with a loud roar and infectious laugh. Of course, we pretended to be scared out of our pants and that just made them want to do it over and over again.

Peanut and Big E were not totally into roasting the marshmallows and once they were done swinging by moonlight and scaring our pants off, they retreated back to the house and Dad joined them to rest on the couch. My mom, sister and I stayed out in the cool fall air, poked the fire to higher flames and talked of scary movies. I hate horror flicks myself, but my mom and sister love them. Funny how talking about things like blood and guts and cutting your own foot off to live (yeah, apparently from the movie Saw) can turn into the most enjoyable laughter I've experienced in a very long time.

The air was cold and the fire was warm and we all smelled like camp smoke and my stomached ached from laughter and I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. Tomorrow we hunt for pumpkins and maybe we can add a little chocolate to the marshmallows at tomorrow night's roast.

83 of 365: I am sad that I left my camera cable on my kitchen counter, otherwise I would have a wonderful family campfire photo to share. But I am happy that, instead, you have the pleasure of enjoying mom's sexy boots and sexy legs. Seriously mom......... S-E-X-Y!

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 82 - Dope and Dinosaurs...

After a conversation with my mom this morning on my way to drop the boys off at school, I decided to go see the doctor. I had actually started feeling much better. But the lingering cough worried my mom and in turn worried me. So after leaving the school, I headed over to see the doc. After he found out my fever had gotten so high and then listened to my chest, he ordered a chest X-ray. Luckily he said my chest looked clear, but he was pretty certain that I did not have the flu earlier this week, but rather a bout of pneumonia. WTH???!!

I mean pneumonia's a pretty big word and not something you usually hear in such a nonchalant fashion. It was as casual as if he were telling my tag was sticking out of the back of my shirt . "Yeah, I'm pretty certain you had pneumonia. But you're a pretty fit and healthy young lady." What? Those two sentences don't even go together. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't people die from pneumonia? I mean I'm sure their pneumonia was FAR worse than mine, but still......

So he wrote two prescriptions, which I promptly got filled immediately upon leaving his office. Once the drugs were in my hand, I then promptly fled to my car where I cried over how much they cost. I'm not kidding. I literally cried. So much so that the people passing by my car must have thought my cat died or something. But I gained my composure and carried on with my day, telling myself these damn drugs better work.

It is now 9 pm and I feel great! Yes, I know I've only had one dose, but I honestly feel better. Maybe it's because I feel like I conquered a serious illness without evening knowing I was at battle with it. Maybe it's because I'm kinda doped up right now. Or maybe it's because I'm thoroughly enjoying my view.

82 of 365: Seriously...... this cuteness can cure any ailment......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 81 - Dreaming of Bald Men.....

The toughest part about being so sick for the past couple of days was not the over 102 degree temperature, it wasn't the cold chills and back aches, not the fact that I couldn't breathe, or the severe lack of sleep. Nope. The toughest part was having to go one extra day without seeing my children. Usually they are back in my arms by Tuesday afternoon. But the risk was far too great. So with dad they stayed. I still haven't gotten used to my three childless nights, and throwing one more in the mix is uber tough. But I knew it was for the best. Hell, I was so sick I didn't know what time it was let alone what day it was.

But today, I woke up a new woman. Almost. I would say I'm back to 80%. And compared to 36 hours ago, that IS a new woman. The last 20% will consist of being able to fully breathe through my nose. I HATE sleeping with my mouth open. That is the worst gummiest feeling ever!

So thank you to all my well wishing friends. And to my parents, who I think were slightly disappointed they couldn't come take care of me. I am just happy to have my babies back in my overly sanitized arms and a house that smells like Mr. Clean. Now if only that big bald man would just jump out of the picture and do some serious cleaning in this house, I would say 110% could be on the horizon.

A girl can dream.......

81 of 365: Happiness is naturally feeling high as a kite...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 80 - Mamas and Babies....

When babies get sick, the first and only thing they want is their mama. Moms take care of us like no one else can. They provide the love and nurturing a child needs when nothing else works. And I will be the first to say that when we get sick, we need our mamas no matter what our age. For the past couple of days I have been battling the flu and my precious mom has begged me to let her come stay with me to take care of me. And although I would love nothing more than my mama to come do what she does best, I knew I couldn't risk getting her sick too. But I sure do love her and daddy for offering to risk their own health just to come take care of their baby girl.

Being sick as a single parent is very different. You wouldn't really think anything of it, until it happens. When there are two parents in the house, you at least have one taking care of the other. But when you are alone, you just have yourself. I am truly thankful that they boys' daddy is taking care of them until I get well. There is one benefit to this living situation and that is at least I'm not exposing my boys to whatever crappyness I'm suffering from right now. But even still, it adds a level sadness to be in a house all by yourself when you're so sick. You have no one to bring you juice or medicine or cook you soup or grilled cheese. And when you feel as terrible as I have, the thought of getting up and doing it yourself is, at times, unthinkable.

I know that my parents offered to come take care of me and if I wake up tomorrow feeling the same way, I might have to take them up on it. But I think I'm on the road to recovery. The fever is gone and I can actually breath through one nostril. Let's hope this sticks throughout the night. I have no choice but to be positive that it will.

80 of 365: Babies need Mamas.........

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 79 - Feelin' Pretty Good... Wait, What??..

About three weeks ago, I got the flu shot. Before kids, I never got the flu shot. But with them in school around other sick kids and the fact that we do get the boys' their shots, I knew it as the smart choice to get poked myself. And lucky for me, my company provided the shots for us this year. I guess they would rather pay the $25 each for the shot than pay the insurance premiums and the paid time off when their employees call in sick with the flu. Makes sense to me.

Today I came home from the office with a 102.3 fever. What the hell!!!???? I started feeling a little under the weather yesterday, runny nose and coughing. As today went on, I got slowly, but most definitely worse. And by the time I dragged myself up the stairs of my house, I knew this wasn't a good sign. So I pulled down the boy's ear thermometer and as I placed it in my ear, the things was beeping before I even hit the button. It's the kind that gives out this alert beep notifying you of a fever without even having to look at the numbers. But when I read the numbers 102.3, I was shocked. I can't even remember the last time my temperature was that high. The shot was supposed to protect me from the flu, not give it to me!!!

So, how am I up at 11 typing my blog entry, you ask??? I'm drunk on NyQuil. You think I'm kidding......

79 of 365: There are two kinds of photos that are my favorite: my boys sleeping and my boys in costumes. It's a rare treat to get them both at the same time... Nite nite Spiderman and Buzz....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 78 - Creativity..

Sorry guys. Tonight is going to be a lazy night for me.

78 of 365: Peanut is two in this shot and he truly personifies the art of sleeping anywhere....

Good Night All!