"Mama, I'm Ready to go Home......."

Three days into my new house, these were the words that graced the lips of Big E. It is as hard for me to type it as it was to hear it. But I get it. I totally do. To him this is not his home. Or at least its not what he thinks of when he thinks of "home". I wonder how long it will take before he starts to think of mama's house as "home" too? For him, I wish that it were 6 months into the future, where he can begin to feel comfortable with two "homes". For him, I wish it were 6 months ago, where all he knew was one home and comfort was not something he had to worry about.

From time to time my guilt as a parent, for the choices I've made, takes me to a place where I, too, am uncomfortable. That lack of comfort I share with my boys as they try to decifer what is really going on. We talk about this, their dad and I. And we both struggle with balancing importance. That struggle is what led us here in the first place....... balancing what our children needed from us as well as what we needed from each other. Our choice to put them first is paramount and, at times, hard to explain to people that don't interpret our actions that way. All they see are two people that didn't want to be married anymore so they made a choice to separate regardless of what it did to the children. And that couldn't be further from the truth. When you don't love each other the same way anymore, it is hard to stay and let that be the example you set for your children. I'm not quite sure why I am feeling the need to defend my choice to separate. Maybe it is that guilt creeping back up. Maybe I'm just defending it to my own self.

Do I wish things could have worked our differently? Absolutely. But ultimately, I know there is a plan for me. Some master arrangment of stars that were laid out for me long before I was born. If traveling this path that has been positioned in front of me means that I might encounter the occasional lack of comfort, then I will do it. I will do it for my boys because they are the reasons I'm on this path to begin with. They hold the key to my past, my present and my future and I will get no where unless I put one uncomfortable foot in front of the other.

So I will embrace my star hopping, path traveling, planned plan and see where it leads me. I will not let guilt or fear or sadness tell me which way to go.

Happy Living All!

Happy New Life!.......

Wow. I am really sucking at keeping this blog up to date. Let's see..... my last post was in November. I guess this is as good a time as any to declare at least one New Year's resolution. Write more. =)

I'm actually not big on new year's resolutions. The new and shineyness of it only lasts about a month and then it wears off. So I will declare a new year's anti-resolution in hopes that a change in perspective will motivate me more.

So I guess before I can begin a new year in new perspective, I must revisit crimes of this year past. I had probably one of the biggest life changing years in quite some time. I had to dig deep, deep, deep inside of myself to grab hold of enough courage to help me move on. The journey to the depths of my soul lead me down roads I had not expected to encounter. Details of these roads will remain my own, but needless to say, when faced with the toughest decisions in my life, I made some rather questionable judgment calls. Some I regret, others I embrace, all I learned from.

So now that I am on the other end of this branch of my journey, what roads will I choose to take? My first road begins Sunday, when I will have my furniture delivered to my new home. I have tried to make this a gentle road for my boys. I took them to see their new second home for the first time last week. I had been dreading this for a long time. My heart ached every time I thought about what they would think when they realized mama and daddy didn't live together anymore. My anxiety levels skyrocketed at the notion of making them bear the burden of my failed marriage by traveling from home to home. And my mind raced with fears of their personalities changing because they can't understand how to deal with what is going on. But with one step into their new home, my own children made all that go away.

With every turn he took, Big E simply said "cool." And Peanut ran around wanting to discover every inch of this foreign place. They ran up the stairs anxious to see their new room and asked if they could have a tv. They ran to mama's new bathroom and marveled at the enormous bathtub and already talked about how much fun they were going to have in there. They leaped onto the large back porch like cats and began throwing leaves at each other laughing and running in circles. I was able to take a step back and watch in amazement at how these two small human beings took away every fear and anxiety their mama had been experiencing. It took them 10 minutes to wash away years of helplessness in my heart. It took them 10 minutes to open my eyes that it will be them taking care of me and not the other way around.

We had a picnic on the living room floor and Big E looked up and said "mama, I love your new home".

Happy Living All!

And Happy New Year!

The next step.....

So, in my journey towards single-motherhood, many decisions have to be made. And one thing that people have a hard time understanding is that I am involving the STBE in most of them. It is important to me that we maintain civility during a trying time for both of us. It is amazing to me that people expect there to be so much anger and hostility and negativity. As you most of you know, negativity is not part of my make-up.

But it is easier for people to accept the idea of "being mad" rather than "being happy." We both want to be happy and it is not possible to accomplish that with anger. So we do what we need to do to make it a positive environment for our children. This is going to affect them regardless. Why influence that affect with anything less than "positive" images in a sad situation. Therefore, he has been a part of this "new home" decision. He joined me and my agent when we went to look at it. He helped me weigh options regarding one place over another. And ultimately, he will move to the general area to be close to his children. And I want him close to his children. He deserves to be as big a part of their lives as I do.

So we are now at the point of my moving out. I found a house, which I am truly excited about. Gut-wrenchingly scared to death about, but excited none the less. Fear will be a natural re-occurrence during this most significant transition. But I will conquer it like anything else. One day at a time.

Many people in my life have mixed emotions about this move and I don't blame them. They, too, are scared for me. But if they know anything about me, they know I will look this challenge in the face with an arrogant stance and flip it the bird.

Happy Living All!