Project 365: Day 18 and 19- Tolerable.......

(So profound, it deserves two days)

About six months ago, I made a commitment that anytime my boys said anything funny, without the intention of being funny, I would have to write it down. I wish I had made this commitment the day they start talking. I really could have documented some side splitting material. But since I waited until just six months ago, many of the best moments have come and gone and I don't have a lick of memory to account for it. But that's ok. I live my life knowing that the best is yet to come.

But from the things I have written down or the ones I miraculously pulled from my cob-webbed memory vault, I have an endless supply of laughter inducing remedy to cure any blue day. My children put a smile on my face that could not be generated through any other means. They create warmth in my heart that the strongest fire could not match. And they say and do the most amazing things that continue to make me look upon them in awe and wonder how I ever lived before them.

Today's entry into the "my kids say the darnedest things" journal comes from Peanut. I am surprised that I don't have eighteen million entries from that child alone. He talks with the determination of an auctioneer, fearful that his time will be up before he gets to the best parts of his story and possessing more verbal energy than any other human being I've ever met. I often have to tell him to slow down and breath so that he doesn't pass out from lack of oxygen.

So back to the point of my story. We go to get haircuts today, each of them sitting proudly in the salon chair, being worked on simultaneously while I try to maintain a conversation with both of them at the same time. Of course, this is not as easy as it sounds. One mis-timed "yes honey" or "I know" or "mmmm hmmm", then you might have just agreed to ice cream for dinner. But I usually maintain the dueling conversations with ease. However, today's conversation with Peanut caught me off guard. And he wasn't even actually talking to me as much as he was talking to the hair stylist.

I overheard her ask him about being a twin. And then she said "I wish I had a twin sister." Peanut looked up at her and with no hesitation whatsoever he replied, "well, if you want a twin, you have to be tolerable." She and I both stopped all movement and looked at each other, frozen. She had this confused look on her face and I know we were both thinking the same thing. "What did he say?" So I asked him and he replied, "to have a twin, you have to be tolerable." I'm not sure if I was as impressed that he used such a big word or that he knew how to use it as I was his profound interpretation of twin-hood, as unintentional as it may have been.

Who taught him such a large and complex word? And once he learned what it meant, how long did it take him to analyze the delicate relationship he has with his twin brother? I do not think he's ever said anything that made me think more than he did today.

18 or 365: Pulled from my vault of all-time favorite "brothers" pictures.....

Good Night All!

Saturday Nights.............

Nights like tonight are what I dread all week long. It's like the air being let out of my balloon. No, it's like my teeth being punched out of my mouth. I see them flying across the room and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, but watch them land on the other side and hope they can be somewhat repaired like new. I'm talking about my child crying in the back seat of daddy's car when he comes to pick them up. I've had them for "my share" of the time and now it's daddy's turn. I know I agreed to this custody arrangement, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I know that it is better for the boys in the long run, but that doesn't mean it will make it easier. And I know that it is only fair to everyone, but that doesn't mean I still won't cry on Saturday nights. Every Saturday night.

Ugh! I have got to get a life!!!!!! One that doesn't result in me drowning my sorrows in Amstel Light every single Saturday...................... alone. If I were enjoying this Amstel Light with a great girlfriend in some cool bar, staring at some hot guy, that would be much much better. Well, enjoying the beer WITH the hot guy would be much much better. But right now I would settle for any warm blooded human being. Anyone that prevents me from literally saying "cheers" to the computer screen would be awesome!

But I digress. I know that this is one of the many steps I must endure before my life makes that miraculous turn around some blind-sided corner and my eyes are opened to a world of possibilities. And part of me actually believes that fairy tale bullshit. Because if I don't let some part of me believe in it, then, really.....what is this all for? I could have just endured many more years in a loveless marriage, being "friends" with my husband, and never being truly loved again. OOOOOORRRRRRRRR, I can dig down inside of me, pull out as much courage as I can find among the blood and gore and such, step off the plank and dive deep into an ocean of crap and tears and uncertainty (and beer) all in the name of finding those "possibilities" that damn fairy tale talks about in the first place.

So there. I said it........ I believe in fairy tales........... I believe in happy endings. But luckily for me, I am realistic about it. I know that it won't come today or tomorrow or even next week. I know that there are a great deal of obstacles I must face and trip over before I am able to quit stumbling and walk straight. I know that crying on Saturday nights might be the norm for a little while (unless one of my girlfriends would like to come rescue me sometime, I mean seriously.....) So until then, I will keep believing in the fairy tale and the happy ending that I know someday will be mine.

And I'm going to enjoy this beer.

Happy Living All!

A Writer's Workshop Kind of Day.........

So I have been reading Mama Kat (www.mamakatslosinit.com) for a while now. Love her! And she has these great writer’s workshops. Until today, I have never really taken part. But this week I was intrigued.

Given my current circumstances, I chose Prompt No. 1. “Write a letter to yourself from someone who has passed on. (ie: parent, grandparent, famous person, friend, pet, etc)” I chose my dear late mother in law.


Dear Raina,

I had hope in my heart, when I first met you, that you would fill a needed spot in my son’s life. And although I left him only two months after you two were married, I felt certain that you had succeeded. A man much like his father, my son was always tightly lipped about anything real or raw. But you saw in him something that could be penetrated. A quiet spirit with an endearing smile. He lit up around you and I saw his heart in a way that had been hidden from me, hidden from the world. Even after I was gone, I saw him secretly give into you. But still I knew the journey you had before you.

I was there when you tried to comfort him in my absence. I held your hand when you tried to hold his. I was there for the next six months as you lost loved ones in your own life. I held his hand as he tried to hold yours.

I rejoiced in the birth of my first grandchildren, twin boys that resembled my own sons so much. I watched as you hoped this creation would open my son’s eyes to you and let you in his heart just a little more. I watched as the disappointment grew when that didn’t happen.

I stood by you when you tried to understand what was happening. My son building his wall, the only thing he knew to protect himself. I know that you questioned what it was he was protecting himself from. I wanted so much to help you understand that this was something you would never be able to understand. This wasn’t your fault.

I watched as you struggled with your courage and hoped that the courage I had in my own life could be your inspiration. I put my arms around you as wept at the loss of your marriage. I embraced my son too. And I know that you braved every urge to give up long before now. I know that you tried very hard to hold onto something that just didn’t want to be held. I do not blame you. I am proud that you are still my son’s friend. I am proud that you found the courage to face the scary road of divorce and still remain my son’s friend. I am proud of you both.

Today I hold the hands of my grandchildren as they struggle to adjust to this new life. Today and for all their days ahead, I will stand by them and embrace them as they walk this life and stare down their own forks in the road.

I love you and miss you,
E

Happy Living All!

Enough is enough...........

How many pizzas is too many? I mean really, when you are staring single motherhood in the face and you now live in a home and town that is as foreign as to you China, how many IS too many? I honestly don’t think you can put a number on it. And the same goes for ice cream. As cliché as it may sound, eating ice cream straight out of the carton really does make a person feel better.

But after a month of this marathon pizza eating and ice cream hoarding, it might be time to say “enough is enough.” Although the frozen food industry might shed a slight tear at my absence….. or maybe not. Fortunately for them, there are countless numbers of individuals out there ready to sacrifice push-ups for pizzas all in the name of drowning out whatever drove them to the frozen food isle in the first place. Be strong my friends. This too shall pass.

So our first month of being on our own, my boys and I seem to be adjusting well (minus the pizza/ice cream habit). It is amazing how everything changes. Anything from bedtime routines to loading up the car in the mornings becomes a whole new process to learn. These are things you don’t think about when you make the decision to finally move on and move out. I’ve talked about this before, but comfort just goes out the window.

When does that comfort level start to rise again? I don’t know. But I do know that I am sick and tired of going up and down the stairs because I can’t seem to make myself remember that the vacuum is not in the laundry room downstairs. Hell the laundry room isn’t even downstairs! But it will get better. I know it will. And if it doesn’t, at least I’m getting in a good workout. Gotta burn off those frozen food calories somehow.

So my boys come home tonight. I get so excited on Tuesdays because that is when they come home with mama. I spend the last four hours of the day at work trying to contain my excitement and hold back my urge to skip out early. Their father and I have worked out a pretty good schedule, I think. I didn’t believe in the whole “mom gets physical custody and dad gets to see the kids every other weekend, plus Tuesday nights” arrangement. It just didn’t seem fair to me. Their dad is a great father and he loves his kids. Why should he be deprived of seeing them as often as possible? We didn’t want to rely on a court order to explain when we got to see our kids. We were civil, are civil. And we’re friends. We deserve equal parts of our children, as do our children deserve equal parts of us.

Of course, the down side of this is that since he gets the kids three nights a week, that is three nights a week that I am shoulder deep in my freezer.

So back to happy thoughts. I get my babies back tonight!!! Can’t wait to show them their new Scooby Doo coloring books. Oh! It is 2:30 and I need to start thinking about what we are having for dinner……………….The boys love pizza.

Happy Living All!!!

"Mama, I'm Ready to go Home......."

Three days into my new house, these were the words that graced the lips of Big E. It is as hard for me to type it as it was to hear it. But I get it. I totally do. To him this is not his home. Or at least its not what he thinks of when he thinks of "home". I wonder how long it will take before he starts to think of mama's house as "home" too? For him, I wish that it were 6 months into the future, where he can begin to feel comfortable with two "homes". For him, I wish it were 6 months ago, where all he knew was one home and comfort was not something he had to worry about.

From time to time my guilt as a parent, for the choices I've made, takes me to a place where I, too, am uncomfortable. That lack of comfort I share with my boys as they try to decifer what is really going on. We talk about this, their dad and I. And we both struggle with balancing importance. That struggle is what led us here in the first place....... balancing what our children needed from us as well as what we needed from each other. Our choice to put them first is paramount and, at times, hard to explain to people that don't interpret our actions that way. All they see are two people that didn't want to be married anymore so they made a choice to separate regardless of what it did to the children. And that couldn't be further from the truth. When you don't love each other the same way anymore, it is hard to stay and let that be the example you set for your children. I'm not quite sure why I am feeling the need to defend my choice to separate. Maybe it is that guilt creeping back up. Maybe I'm just defending it to my own self.

Do I wish things could have worked our differently? Absolutely. But ultimately, I know there is a plan for me. Some master arrangment of stars that were laid out for me long before I was born. If traveling this path that has been positioned in front of me means that I might encounter the occasional lack of comfort, then I will do it. I will do it for my boys because they are the reasons I'm on this path to begin with. They hold the key to my past, my present and my future and I will get no where unless I put one uncomfortable foot in front of the other.

So I will embrace my star hopping, path traveling, planned plan and see where it leads me. I will not let guilt or fear or sadness tell me which way to go.

Happy Living All!

Happy New Life!.......

Wow. I am really sucking at keeping this blog up to date. Let's see..... my last post was in November. I guess this is as good a time as any to declare at least one New Year's resolution. Write more. =)

I'm actually not big on new year's resolutions. The new and shineyness of it only lasts about a month and then it wears off. So I will declare a new year's anti-resolution in hopes that a change in perspective will motivate me more.

So I guess before I can begin a new year in new perspective, I must revisit crimes of this year past. I had probably one of the biggest life changing years in quite some time. I had to dig deep, deep, deep inside of myself to grab hold of enough courage to help me move on. The journey to the depths of my soul lead me down roads I had not expected to encounter. Details of these roads will remain my own, but needless to say, when faced with the toughest decisions in my life, I made some rather questionable judgment calls. Some I regret, others I embrace, all I learned from.

So now that I am on the other end of this branch of my journey, what roads will I choose to take? My first road begins Sunday, when I will have my furniture delivered to my new home. I have tried to make this a gentle road for my boys. I took them to see their new second home for the first time last week. I had been dreading this for a long time. My heart ached every time I thought about what they would think when they realized mama and daddy didn't live together anymore. My anxiety levels skyrocketed at the notion of making them bear the burden of my failed marriage by traveling from home to home. And my mind raced with fears of their personalities changing because they can't understand how to deal with what is going on. But with one step into their new home, my own children made all that go away.

With every turn he took, Big E simply said "cool." And Peanut ran around wanting to discover every inch of this foreign place. They ran up the stairs anxious to see their new room and asked if they could have a tv. They ran to mama's new bathroom and marveled at the enormous bathtub and already talked about how much fun they were going to have in there. They leaped onto the large back porch like cats and began throwing leaves at each other laughing and running in circles. I was able to take a step back and watch in amazement at how these two small human beings took away every fear and anxiety their mama had been experiencing. It took them 10 minutes to wash away years of helplessness in my heart. It took them 10 minutes to open my eyes that it will be them taking care of me and not the other way around.

We had a picnic on the living room floor and Big E looked up and said "mama, I love your new home".

Happy Living All!

And Happy New Year!