Wake Up!.......

So my distractions from writing and, well..... just about everything, can be attributed to some good things. The papers have been filed and a court date set. But even more so than that, my attention has been completely diverted. It's crazy how things happen in our lives that take us by utter surprise. And I would be lying if I said that the swift moving forward of the progression of divorce was completely out of the blue. Sometimes it takes 'waking up' to know that you have to quit standing still and start skipping forward. My awakening makes me smile everyday. My awakening has turned my brain on again. My awakening dances with me every night. I'm so happy to be awake.

Have you ever had someone make you feel like a giddy teenager? Just curious.

Happy Living All.

I Love the Stars.....

15 years ago, I met a man. My complete opposite. It was cute. Challenging. We dated. We fell in like. Love came eventually. We were ok. A marriage. Two children. Something happened. No reasons. Slow dissolve. We were ok. August 18, 2009. Papers drafted. Gap. February 9, 2011. Papers filed. A parking lot walk. A hug. A smile. A good bye. We’re more than ok.

I signed on the dotted line of divorce today and it feels good. My path is changing and it feels even better. I owe a debt of gratitude to the stars right now.

Happy Living All!

Really??..... I mean.... Really??

I just had my blogospheric ass handed to me in a pretty little package. I have this "friend" who just happened to casually bring up the fact that he also "dabs' a little in blogging. He knows I do it, he reads mine from time to time. How does he fail to mention that he, too, exposes himself through the wires? So, as if getting past the initial condescending tone of "Oh, You didn't know I did that?" wasn't enough, I had to sit back and graciously allow this person to bitch slap me and I haven't even had my coffee yet.

Are you fucking kidding me??? And I don't typically drop the F bomb here, but seriously..... Are you fucking kidding me??? I know that I'm cheap as shit and completely technically uninclined when it comes to computers and such. I "borrow" blogs sites for their ease and the fact that I pretty much don't have to lift a finger to create anything except to spit out my random thoughts which may or may not save the world. I liked my pretty rainbow and my stars and the fact that half my site doesn't even work because I don't know how the hell to fix it. I liked that it didn't matter if my site comes across as a grade school project with little to no effort needed. I liked thinking that I was pretty savvy when in fact I know I'm not.

But apparently I am WAY behind the times here. Because I have nothing on him. Why did you have to do this oh dear "friend" of mind? Why did you have to make me wake up to just how lame my site really is? Why couldn't you just let me continue believing that I had something really special here? Oh no, you just had to bitch slap me with that smile on your face and say something to the likes of "yeah, I just dabble from time to time." I got your number. And now I have a new mission.

Stay tuned for a complete make-over. Great site "KC". I could get lost in the whole thing. And that is good. I like a good challenge.

Happy Living All.

Dear New Year's Resolution,

I know it's been a while since I last wrote to you. Well, one year to be exact. I guess you get a lot of incoming emails, letters, foot traffic, etc. this time of year. Like millions of other people, I, too, am guilty of only touching base with you in January each year. But..... well.... it's your own fault. Your name is "New Year's Resolution" after all. And as such, you are usually only thought about during the after-Christmas-sale-frenzie. If you're lucky, thoughts of you will linger through the latter half of the month. And if someone truly loves you, they will stay committed to you well into the new year.

You were good to me last year. I made my commitment to you on January 1, 2010, to read more books. You stayed fresh in my mind and the relationship between us blossomed. It was a joint effort of course. The guilt you represent when someone looses sight of you is enormous. And therefore, you yield your tricky wand in a magical circle as if to make us believe we actually stayed true to our commitment on our own. When in actuality, we fear the guilt that will come should we back out of our promises. Your support (guilt-trip) and my determination (fear) resulted in an astonishing completion of six whole books. And they weren't picture books for my boys. They were actual 300+ page books with real substance. Me and you were "picture perfect" last year.

While I'm proud of what we accomplished in 2010, I have decided to take a different approach to 2011. You are amazing and useful, don't get me wrong. It's just that, besides you, oh dear Resolution, I have not been the best in the commitment arena. 2010 was tough for me, with a lot (A LOT) of changes in my life. And, well, yours was the only one I was able to keep. I tried, believe me I tried. My "Project 365" ended just shy of 100 days. My goal to start training for another race by the end of the year lead me to quit running sometime around Labor Day. And don't even get me started on my eating habits.

So, I think that my promise to you this year will have to lack a certain level of specificity. Be somewhat vague, if you don't mind. Because I'm afraid that if I make a specific "commitment", a detailed promise to you, then I just might fall short. And I would rather know that I came clean from the get-go and I circumvented guilt by not promising you something I can't guarantee I'll fulfill. Is that a cop out? Maybe. Am I a lame excuse for an optimist? Probably. Do I deserve a little slack for the year I just went through? Most definitely.

Therefore, dear New Year's Resolution, I promise to be a better me. That is all you get this time around. I hope it's enough.

S.O.

Happy Living All! It's a new year, so start with a clean slate........

Ball dropping....

Can you say "I dropped the ball on that one?"...... As I drew near the 100 mark of my project, I knew that my mental exhaustion was winning the battle and that my "project" would come to an abrupt halt. What I didn't know was how great it would feel to actually not think about it for a while.

So now that I have not thought about it for over a month, I guess I need to re-evaluate where I'm taking this site. Project 365 is now out of the question, as I so lamely flaked out. But the posting must forge on. Even though gearing back up to start brainstorming entries again is almost like getting back into a work-out regiment after being lazy for three months (hell, I guess I have to look at that part of my life again too), I am glad to finally hit that blog-post "bookmark" button at the top of my screen and actually start typing. I've missed you oh keeper of my thoughts.

It goes without saying that my life has been full these past several weeks, what with Thanksgiving, family outings, playdates, and working my ass off. I live for this time of year. The cold weather, the holiday decorations, the Christmas music on the radio (yep, I listen to it happily), and the ever so shrinking bank account. Isn't it wonderful? I could care less that I barely have a pot to piss in. I will stretch that pot for as far as the eye can see, just to enjoy this awesome time of year. I'm a Christmas nerd, proudly. I put up our tree the weekend before Thanksgiving. I started listening to B98.5 the minute they switched. We attended a night-time Christmas parade. We had Breakfast with Santa. We rode in a hay ride with Mrs. Claus. We played in the snow (at Christmas, even a dusting of snow counts.) And we have lots more to come. So far, I would rank this holiday season as almost perfect.

The one thing that makes this year "interesting"? This is the first year we're not a family. The boys don't notice it as much as I do. Hell, I don't even think their dad notices it as much as I do. But right now, it doesn't matter. We are the same two people we were when we actually lived together. And maybe that's why this is easier than I thought it would be. I am completely happy. My boys are, too, I hope. This Christmas season will be just as amazing, if not more, as every other year I've been in love with it.

Happy Living All!

Project 365: Day 99 - And Off She Goes....

Looks like I'm flying out again tomorrow for business. My boss comes to ask if I can go and, once again, there was no way I was going to say "no." I actually kind of already anticipated that they might ask me to go again this week. That's why I made arrangements with the boys' dad to have them one extra night this past weekend. Flying out on a late flight just to spend one evening in another city and the entire next day in seminars and training sessions is well worth it when my reward was spending all that quality time I got with my boys.

My babies called me tonight before they went to bed as they do every night they are with their dad. It's hard for me to believe that they're five now. But then they open their mouths and they speak like they're 10. I exaggerate of course. But the conversations we have now are so colorful and animated and the investment they have in whatever they're talking about is like I'm right there in front of them. I never want to rush to get off the phone. Our four or five days a week fly by in a flash and that makes the phone calls all the more precious. I could talk to them for hours.

I'm already looking forward to their phone call tomorrow night. I'll be in another town, a thousand miles away. I'll tell them about my ride in the airplane. Peanut will tell me all about the pet name his teacher, Mrs. Alicia, has for him: "_____y poo" . (leaving it blank for obvious reasons.) And Big E will explain to me how General Greibus (Star Wars character - that's how we pronounce it) is a bad guy and how Dark Badar (again, our pronunciation) is a bigger bad guy. I could listen to them forever. I actually need to buy a tape recorder so that I can just record their voices. Listening as Peanut learns to say million (mill-ee-on) and Big E as he struggles with his S's, well..... there's no sound on earth that's sweeter. Music to my ears.

Hopefully travel will not become a regular thing. But if it does, I might have to invest in one of those cameras for my computer or learn how to skype.

99 of 365: Since my sweet boys are not with me tonight, I pulled a couple more favorites from the archives....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 98 - Ours, Not Mine....

Often times I feel as though my posts are bordering generic and I feel guilty. Almost as if I'm posting simply to be posting. And truth be told, that is probably the case. There are a great deal of things that I think about opening up about and then I change my mind, wondering if I have a right. After all, the things that happen in my life don't just happen to me alone. There are other people involved and I have to be sensitive to those people in my life.

I have a feeling many other bloggers go through this same tug of war. Do we write about everything or do we compromise our art for the sake of being considerate? Sometimes it's not even about the privacy of other people but rather the idea of becoming a true "open book." Do I really want to air all of my dirty laundry to the world? Who does that help? Me? My children? Strangers I'll never meet?

About two weeks ago, the boys' father finally asked me about my site. Keep in mind, I've been doing this for over two and a half years. Posting about me and my children and uploading photos for the whole world to see. He was concerned that I was serving our children up to strangers, more specifically "very bad" strangers. And to be perfectly honest with you, I never really looked at it that way. Does that make me a bad mother? I actually started feeling guilty that the thought never crossed my mind. How could it not? Society is so full of really bad people and the internet can, at times, be a cesspool of scum (present company not included, of course.)

I know exactly what my mom is saying right now.... "don't let this deter your momentum, don't let this stop you from doing what you enjoy and what you've spent years cultivating." I absolutely agree with her, but you know what? I actually agree with him too. His concern, albeit a couple of years late, is warranted. These are not just my children. They are our children and if he wants to be concerned about how I display them to the world, well, then he has a right to.

I guess I'm writing about this because if I choose to stop posting every single night, it will not be because he asked me to. He actually didn't. Again, this is a man of very few words and the fact that he even opened about his concerns, well, that surprised me and, at the same time, impressed me. He simply asked me about it and said that he felt uneasy. He never told me to quit doing it. I don't think he would ever do that. But he did ask if I could make it private, so that only people I knew would be able to view it. My response was.......... "I don't think I want to do that."

So it's not like I'm completely ignoring his concerns. I hear them and I share them. But if I made my site private, I would feel like I was defeating the purpose of my site. Which is to share a story about a mom who was blind-sided by separation and the loss of her marriage, but who is learning to cope with her new life as a single parent. If I hide that story from the people who might actually be looking for proof that they are not alone in their own journey, then I would be turning my back on one of the reasons I do it. I write my story for three reasons: for me, for my boys, and for the countless other single moms who need to know they have a family and that there is a more pleasant side to divorce.

I still have not decided whether or not I will end my "Project 365" at day 100. But if I do, know that the choice was mine for the reasons I stated last night. I don't want this to become work. I want this to still be an outlet and a place I can go when what I'm experiencing as a single mom is relevant. I may not post every night, but you can bet your ass that a two and half year project will not simply cease. And who knows, maybe I'll change the name from "Project 365" to "100 Days with Peanut and Big E."

I will actually not be posting a photo tonight. My boys and I were too lazy to take pictures. But we did have a great weekend, lounging around in pjs, baking cookies and watching movies for the past two days.

Good Night All!