Chapters......

The sun is bright in my office today. I look at that as a sign that the events of this week will brightly guide my life to come. That sounds kind of corny, I know. But I’m a bit mentally overwhelmed at this moment. Tomorrow marks a day that has been in the crafting stages for a very long time. I’ve written about it until I’m blue in the face and I do not plan on re-penning the actions that have led me here. As a matter of fact, today marks the last entry in my blog as it currently exists.

This blog has been a good friend to me. Allowing me to unload emotions in a time when I had no other outlets that I hadn’t already worn out. Friends and family have been priceless to me. But as I have spoken to them over the years, my words have disappeared into their memories as well as mine. Being able to come here and write those same spoken words down has given me the opportunity to look back days, weeks, even months after I’d written them and discover that I truly have grown throughout this process. Yes, my family and friends have told me that I’ve grown. But you never fully understand it until you can look back on those times with written evidence of your emotion.

When I started this site two years ago, I had no idea the time it would take to complete this process. And I know that “this process” will never be fully complete as I will maintain some sort of relationship with my ex for the rest of my life through our children. Being fortunate with an amazing support group through my family and friends, as well my own personal determination, will be an asset in making sure that relationship remains as positive as possible.

Growth does not come without a price, though. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you still want to wear good shoes even when you’re walking through the shit and the muck. My outlook on life has remained positive. And there were times I thought I would break. There were times I thought my optimism would falter me and bring more pain than comfort. There were times I flat out thought I should shut down and let every bad feeling take over because it just seemed easier. I almost lost something I hold dear and that is my demeanor. I almost became the thing I despise and that is bitter. But because I was determined to wear heels through the shit, they made me feel better when I walked out the other side and a water hose was waiting for me to clean them off.

I close this chapter in my life with renewed confidence and I look forward to an amazing chapter already in the development stages. This new chapter is marked with a new love, the never ending love of my precious boys, and a new blog that’s coming soon.

Happy Living All!

I’ll see you soon……………

"I Cannot Legislate Stupidity"......

As a requirement to get divorced in the great county of Dekalb, parents must endure four and a half hours of what I like to call “We know some of you are not as stupid as we may think, but just in case……” parental lecturing. Yesterday, I was happy to sit in a back-breaking chair for four hours listening to two psychologists tell me things I already knew, while drinking coffee so stale that the dead beans haunted my taste buds for the remainder of the day. Why? Because it put me one step closer to D day.

I don’t knock the seminar all together. The speakers were actually very good. I enjoyed many of their stories and agreed with each and every one of their points about raising healthy children through divorce. I just spent a great deal of time yesterday wondering how many other parents in that same room would walk away with this information and actually put it to some good use. As I panned the room with my eyes and curiosity, I watched as some parents grumbled derogatory comments under their breath of their soon-to-be ex spouses. I sat back and listened to questions that I swear had to have come from the kids themselves and not the parents sitting before us claiming the question is theirs. I witnessed even the speakers marvel at these questions wondering if it was some kind of joke and should they really entertain an answer or just move on as if they never heard a word. It was truly an amusement park of dysfunction. And by that, I mean how many kids, from this room alone, are going to be so f’d up once this whole thing is over?

While I occupied my time with this undeniable entertainment, I couldn't help but sit back and look to my left and appreciate what I had. Because, contrary to the rest of the room, sitting next to me was my soon-to-be ex spouse. Out of 50-60 other people in attendance, we were the only couple to attend this seminar together. Could it be that we are the rare 3% of couples that can do this as a unified force, on friendly terms, without the threat of firearms? How can the number be so small of parents that see the benefit of ending on the best terms possible? Why is it that there are more people out there that would rather hash out the worst case scenario instead of thinking about a positive environment for their children?

As we completed the class and our certificates were handed out to us, I decided that I would not question the choices of those other parents, but rather appreciate the choices that my soon-to-be ex spouse and I make on a daily basis. Our divorce was about the two of us splitting amicably. Our future is about our children living happily.

Happy Living All!

P.S. The title of today's post is courtesy of one of the speakers at the seminar in response to a parent's question.

Working My Way Out of My Office.....

So happy to be leaving my office for the weekend. More happy that I was even able to make a path so that I actually could leave my office for the weekend. Do you think there's any chance that the File Fairy will show up this weekend and take these away???

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Happy Living All!

"When you are through changing, you are through"......

So, I was challenged two nights ago to read my blog from the very beginning. And the most prevalent thing I noticed through my entire archive was stagnation. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time, as I always write what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing at the moment. Hind-sight is most definitely 20/20. The thing is, I must have been thinking, feeling and experiencing the same thing for two years. I thought I was moving forward, buying a new home, starting a new job, making new friends. But I’m realizing that just because the items on the surface of my life have taken an about-face, it doesn’t always mean that forward progression is taking place emotionally. At least, how are you going to realize that if all I write about is the same emotional position?

I whole heartedly know that I was definitely moving forward below the surface, but for some reason I just don’t feel like that was accurately coming across on paper. So in an effort to leave idle behind, I am starting anew. The divorce is almost final and now seems like as good a time as any to bring to a conclusion the writings of those experiences. Change is occurring all around me and my life is happier and fuller than it has ever been.

I have always thrived on change. It is very good for the soul. Stagnation is just not an option for me in my quest to live the happiest life possible. And thanks to an amazing man, standing still is no longer a thought.

Happy Living All!

A moment please.....

I am overwhelmed.

LAUGH......

There's a picture in my office that says "LAUGH". Seriously??......

Is it time to go home yet???

The Longest Three Weeks.......

March 23rd is quickly approaching and I feel like a kid in a candy store. I don’t want that to come across wrong, but dear lord, this has been building for so many years that the actual “formal” finalizing of the divorce seems comical at this point. Only b/c we’ve already been divorced in every sense of the word for years.

You would think that I could just walk into the judge’s office and say:

“Your honor, my husband and I have been separated for five and half years. We started living in opposite ends of the house when the boys were one. We decided three years ago that we didn’t want to be married anymore. I moved out and bought my own house 14 months ago. Do we really have to wait another three weeks before this thing is real? Can’t you see that it was real a long time ago? Don’t you have it in your heart to call a spade a spade and end this already? Why must we wait three more longs weeks to “finalize” something that was final five years ago? Why must we take time off work to drive down to your courtroom and sit for God knows how long and then get up there just for you to say ‘well, looks like everything’s in order. You are hereby divorce.’? Why drag this out any longer?”

To which I’m sure you would promptly reply:

“Hell honey, you’ve wait five years………. What’s three more weeks?”

Touché your honor. Touché.


Happy Living All!

Wake Up!.......

So my distractions from writing and, well..... just about everything, can be attributed to some good things. The papers have been filed and a court date set. But even more so than that, my attention has been completely diverted. It's crazy how things happen in our lives that take us by utter surprise. And I would be lying if I said that the swift moving forward of the progression of divorce was completely out of the blue. Sometimes it takes 'waking up' to know that you have to quit standing still and start skipping forward. My awakening makes me smile everyday. My awakening has turned my brain on again. My awakening dances with me every night. I'm so happy to be awake.

Have you ever had someone make you feel like a giddy teenager? Just curious.

Happy Living All.

I Love the Stars.....

15 years ago, I met a man. My complete opposite. It was cute. Challenging. We dated. We fell in like. Love came eventually. We were ok. A marriage. Two children. Something happened. No reasons. Slow dissolve. We were ok. August 18, 2009. Papers drafted. Gap. February 9, 2011. Papers filed. A parking lot walk. A hug. A smile. A good bye. We’re more than ok.

I signed on the dotted line of divorce today and it feels good. My path is changing and it feels even better. I owe a debt of gratitude to the stars right now.

Happy Living All!

Really??..... I mean.... Really??

I just had my blogospheric ass handed to me in a pretty little package. I have this "friend" who just happened to casually bring up the fact that he also "dabs' a little in blogging. He knows I do it, he reads mine from time to time. How does he fail to mention that he, too, exposes himself through the wires? So, as if getting past the initial condescending tone of "Oh, You didn't know I did that?" wasn't enough, I had to sit back and graciously allow this person to bitch slap me and I haven't even had my coffee yet.

Are you fucking kidding me??? And I don't typically drop the F bomb here, but seriously..... Are you fucking kidding me??? I know that I'm cheap as shit and completely technically uninclined when it comes to computers and such. I "borrow" blogs sites for their ease and the fact that I pretty much don't have to lift a finger to create anything except to spit out my random thoughts which may or may not save the world. I liked my pretty rainbow and my stars and the fact that half my site doesn't even work because I don't know how the hell to fix it. I liked that it didn't matter if my site comes across as a grade school project with little to no effort needed. I liked thinking that I was pretty savvy when in fact I know I'm not.

But apparently I am WAY behind the times here. Because I have nothing on him. Why did you have to do this oh dear "friend" of mind? Why did you have to make me wake up to just how lame my site really is? Why couldn't you just let me continue believing that I had something really special here? Oh no, you just had to bitch slap me with that smile on your face and say something to the likes of "yeah, I just dabble from time to time." I got your number. And now I have a new mission.

Stay tuned for a complete make-over. Great site "KC". I could get lost in the whole thing. And that is good. I like a good challenge.

Happy Living All.

Dear New Year's Resolution,

I know it's been a while since I last wrote to you. Well, one year to be exact. I guess you get a lot of incoming emails, letters, foot traffic, etc. this time of year. Like millions of other people, I, too, am guilty of only touching base with you in January each year. But..... well.... it's your own fault. Your name is "New Year's Resolution" after all. And as such, you are usually only thought about during the after-Christmas-sale-frenzie. If you're lucky, thoughts of you will linger through the latter half of the month. And if someone truly loves you, they will stay committed to you well into the new year.

You were good to me last year. I made my commitment to you on January 1, 2010, to read more books. You stayed fresh in my mind and the relationship between us blossomed. It was a joint effort of course. The guilt you represent when someone looses sight of you is enormous. And therefore, you yield your tricky wand in a magical circle as if to make us believe we actually stayed true to our commitment on our own. When in actuality, we fear the guilt that will come should we back out of our promises. Your support (guilt-trip) and my determination (fear) resulted in an astonishing completion of six whole books. And they weren't picture books for my boys. They were actual 300+ page books with real substance. Me and you were "picture perfect" last year.

While I'm proud of what we accomplished in 2010, I have decided to take a different approach to 2011. You are amazing and useful, don't get me wrong. It's just that, besides you, oh dear Resolution, I have not been the best in the commitment arena. 2010 was tough for me, with a lot (A LOT) of changes in my life. And, well, yours was the only one I was able to keep. I tried, believe me I tried. My "Project 365" ended just shy of 100 days. My goal to start training for another race by the end of the year lead me to quit running sometime around Labor Day. And don't even get me started on my eating habits.

So, I think that my promise to you this year will have to lack a certain level of specificity. Be somewhat vague, if you don't mind. Because I'm afraid that if I make a specific "commitment", a detailed promise to you, then I just might fall short. And I would rather know that I came clean from the get-go and I circumvented guilt by not promising you something I can't guarantee I'll fulfill. Is that a cop out? Maybe. Am I a lame excuse for an optimist? Probably. Do I deserve a little slack for the year I just went through? Most definitely.

Therefore, dear New Year's Resolution, I promise to be a better me. That is all you get this time around. I hope it's enough.

S.O.

Happy Living All! It's a new year, so start with a clean slate........