"I Cannot Legislate Stupidity"......

As a requirement to get divorced in the great county of Dekalb, parents must endure four and a half hours of what I like to call “We know some of you are not as stupid as we may think, but just in case……” parental lecturing. Yesterday, I was happy to sit in a back-breaking chair for four hours listening to two psychologists tell me things I already knew, while drinking coffee so stale that the dead beans haunted my taste buds for the remainder of the day. Why? Because it put me one step closer to D day.

I don’t knock the seminar all together. The speakers were actually very good. I enjoyed many of their stories and agreed with each and every one of their points about raising healthy children through divorce. I just spent a great deal of time yesterday wondering how many other parents in that same room would walk away with this information and actually put it to some good use. As I panned the room with my eyes and curiosity, I watched as some parents grumbled derogatory comments under their breath of their soon-to-be ex spouses. I sat back and listened to questions that I swear had to have come from the kids themselves and not the parents sitting before us claiming the question is theirs. I witnessed even the speakers marvel at these questions wondering if it was some kind of joke and should they really entertain an answer or just move on as if they never heard a word. It was truly an amusement park of dysfunction. And by that, I mean how many kids, from this room alone, are going to be so f’d up once this whole thing is over?

While I occupied my time with this undeniable entertainment, I couldn't help but sit back and look to my left and appreciate what I had. Because, contrary to the rest of the room, sitting next to me was my soon-to-be ex spouse. Out of 50-60 other people in attendance, we were the only couple to attend this seminar together. Could it be that we are the rare 3% of couples that can do this as a unified force, on friendly terms, without the threat of firearms? How can the number be so small of parents that see the benefit of ending on the best terms possible? Why is it that there are more people out there that would rather hash out the worst case scenario instead of thinking about a positive environment for their children?

As we completed the class and our certificates were handed out to us, I decided that I would not question the choices of those other parents, but rather appreciate the choices that my soon-to-be ex spouse and I make on a daily basis. Our divorce was about the two of us splitting amicably. Our future is about our children living happily.

Happy Living All!

P.S. The title of today's post is courtesy of one of the speakers at the seminar in response to a parent's question.

How much love.............

Once again, today brings with it another article I must share. If you belong to the “single mom who gets her news by the front page of MSN.com” club, or if you got your copy of the November 2009 issue of O Magazine, then you already know which article I’m talking about.

Susan Klebold, after 10 agonizing years, breaks her silence about the unthinkable acts committed by her son at Columbine. Even now, as I’m typing and replaying passages from her essay through my mind, I’m overcome with emotion. Is it my attempt to relate to a woman I’ve never met whose pain is something I hope to never endure? Is it the overwhelming urge to squeeze both my boys as tight as I can at this very moment? It is a fear that no matter what kind of mother I am and no matter how much I love my boys, that sometimes things will just happen that are out of my control? I believe it is a combination of all of those.

We, as good parents, spend so much time making sure that our children know that they are loved more than they could possibly imagine. We would squeeze 36 hours into a 24 hour day if it meant we could show them more love. We would throw ourselves in front of God knows what if it would protect them. But how do you cope with the fact that you have done all of these things only to suffer a Columbine-like consequence?

And how is it that sometimes children of unloving and disregarding parents seem to walk away unscathed by depression or anxiety or thoughts of violence? How come a mother, whose love cannot be measured in arm’s length because there are no arms in the world long enough to stretch across this vast universe of ours, be made to bear a burden so unimaginable? And how come a mother, whose first priority lies not in the well-being of her child, but rather a host of other non-child related materials, deliver to the world a relatively well-adjusted human being? Have we lost sight of the fundamentals in child-rearing that video games and reality television are new age nannies freeing us from our ultimate responsibility as parents? Or did we ever have control of our children to begin with? Does it matter if a parent shows great love or great disregard? Do we just throw up our hands and say “to hell with it! They are going to be who they are going to be, regardless of what I do.”

I don’t know the answer to any of these? All I know is that there is a woman in Colorado that will spend the rest of her life knowing that she loved her son with every fiber of her being and something terrible happened. Sometimes bad things just happen.

Keep loving your children with every fiber of your being. That is all we can do.

Happy Living all! And stay strong, Susan Klebold. You are not to blame.


http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200911-omag-susan-klebold-columbine