Chapters......

The sun is bright in my office today. I look at that as a sign that the events of this week will brightly guide my life to come. That sounds kind of corny, I know. But I’m a bit mentally overwhelmed at this moment. Tomorrow marks a day that has been in the crafting stages for a very long time. I’ve written about it until I’m blue in the face and I do not plan on re-penning the actions that have led me here. As a matter of fact, today marks the last entry in my blog as it currently exists.

This blog has been a good friend to me. Allowing me to unload emotions in a time when I had no other outlets that I hadn’t already worn out. Friends and family have been priceless to me. But as I have spoken to them over the years, my words have disappeared into their memories as well as mine. Being able to come here and write those same spoken words down has given me the opportunity to look back days, weeks, even months after I’d written them and discover that I truly have grown throughout this process. Yes, my family and friends have told me that I’ve grown. But you never fully understand it until you can look back on those times with written evidence of your emotion.

When I started this site two years ago, I had no idea the time it would take to complete this process. And I know that “this process” will never be fully complete as I will maintain some sort of relationship with my ex for the rest of my life through our children. Being fortunate with an amazing support group through my family and friends, as well my own personal determination, will be an asset in making sure that relationship remains as positive as possible.

Growth does not come without a price, though. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you still want to wear good shoes even when you’re walking through the shit and the muck. My outlook on life has remained positive. And there were times I thought I would break. There were times I thought my optimism would falter me and bring more pain than comfort. There were times I flat out thought I should shut down and let every bad feeling take over because it just seemed easier. I almost lost something I hold dear and that is my demeanor. I almost became the thing I despise and that is bitter. But because I was determined to wear heels through the shit, they made me feel better when I walked out the other side and a water hose was waiting for me to clean them off.

I close this chapter in my life with renewed confidence and I look forward to an amazing chapter already in the development stages. This new chapter is marked with a new love, the never ending love of my precious boys, and a new blog that’s coming soon.

Happy Living All!

I’ll see you soon……………

"I Cannot Legislate Stupidity"......

As a requirement to get divorced in the great county of Dekalb, parents must endure four and a half hours of what I like to call “We know some of you are not as stupid as we may think, but just in case……” parental lecturing. Yesterday, I was happy to sit in a back-breaking chair for four hours listening to two psychologists tell me things I already knew, while drinking coffee so stale that the dead beans haunted my taste buds for the remainder of the day. Why? Because it put me one step closer to D day.

I don’t knock the seminar all together. The speakers were actually very good. I enjoyed many of their stories and agreed with each and every one of their points about raising healthy children through divorce. I just spent a great deal of time yesterday wondering how many other parents in that same room would walk away with this information and actually put it to some good use. As I panned the room with my eyes and curiosity, I watched as some parents grumbled derogatory comments under their breath of their soon-to-be ex spouses. I sat back and listened to questions that I swear had to have come from the kids themselves and not the parents sitting before us claiming the question is theirs. I witnessed even the speakers marvel at these questions wondering if it was some kind of joke and should they really entertain an answer or just move on as if they never heard a word. It was truly an amusement park of dysfunction. And by that, I mean how many kids, from this room alone, are going to be so f’d up once this whole thing is over?

While I occupied my time with this undeniable entertainment, I couldn't help but sit back and look to my left and appreciate what I had. Because, contrary to the rest of the room, sitting next to me was my soon-to-be ex spouse. Out of 50-60 other people in attendance, we were the only couple to attend this seminar together. Could it be that we are the rare 3% of couples that can do this as a unified force, on friendly terms, without the threat of firearms? How can the number be so small of parents that see the benefit of ending on the best terms possible? Why is it that there are more people out there that would rather hash out the worst case scenario instead of thinking about a positive environment for their children?

As we completed the class and our certificates were handed out to us, I decided that I would not question the choices of those other parents, but rather appreciate the choices that my soon-to-be ex spouse and I make on a daily basis. Our divorce was about the two of us splitting amicably. Our future is about our children living happily.

Happy Living All!

P.S. The title of today's post is courtesy of one of the speakers at the seminar in response to a parent's question.

Working My Way Out of My Office.....

So happy to be leaving my office for the weekend. More happy that I was even able to make a path so that I actually could leave my office for the weekend. Do you think there's any chance that the File Fairy will show up this weekend and take these away???

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Happy Living All!

"When you are through changing, you are through"......

So, I was challenged two nights ago to read my blog from the very beginning. And the most prevalent thing I noticed through my entire archive was stagnation. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time, as I always write what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing at the moment. Hind-sight is most definitely 20/20. The thing is, I must have been thinking, feeling and experiencing the same thing for two years. I thought I was moving forward, buying a new home, starting a new job, making new friends. But I’m realizing that just because the items on the surface of my life have taken an about-face, it doesn’t always mean that forward progression is taking place emotionally. At least, how are you going to realize that if all I write about is the same emotional position?

I whole heartedly know that I was definitely moving forward below the surface, but for some reason I just don’t feel like that was accurately coming across on paper. So in an effort to leave idle behind, I am starting anew. The divorce is almost final and now seems like as good a time as any to bring to a conclusion the writings of those experiences. Change is occurring all around me and my life is happier and fuller than it has ever been.

I have always thrived on change. It is very good for the soul. Stagnation is just not an option for me in my quest to live the happiest life possible. And thanks to an amazing man, standing still is no longer a thought.

Happy Living All!

A moment please.....

I am overwhelmed.

LAUGH......

There's a picture in my office that says "LAUGH". Seriously??......

Is it time to go home yet???

The Longest Three Weeks.......

March 23rd is quickly approaching and I feel like a kid in a candy store. I don’t want that to come across wrong, but dear lord, this has been building for so many years that the actual “formal” finalizing of the divorce seems comical at this point. Only b/c we’ve already been divorced in every sense of the word for years.

You would think that I could just walk into the judge’s office and say:

“Your honor, my husband and I have been separated for five and half years. We started living in opposite ends of the house when the boys were one. We decided three years ago that we didn’t want to be married anymore. I moved out and bought my own house 14 months ago. Do we really have to wait another three weeks before this thing is real? Can’t you see that it was real a long time ago? Don’t you have it in your heart to call a spade a spade and end this already? Why must we wait three more longs weeks to “finalize” something that was final five years ago? Why must we take time off work to drive down to your courtroom and sit for God knows how long and then get up there just for you to say ‘well, looks like everything’s in order. You are hereby divorce.’? Why drag this out any longer?”

To which I’m sure you would promptly reply:

“Hell honey, you’ve wait five years………. What’s three more weeks?”

Touché your honor. Touché.


Happy Living All!

Wake Up!.......

So my distractions from writing and, well..... just about everything, can be attributed to some good things. The papers have been filed and a court date set. But even more so than that, my attention has been completely diverted. It's crazy how things happen in our lives that take us by utter surprise. And I would be lying if I said that the swift moving forward of the progression of divorce was completely out of the blue. Sometimes it takes 'waking up' to know that you have to quit standing still and start skipping forward. My awakening makes me smile everyday. My awakening has turned my brain on again. My awakening dances with me every night. I'm so happy to be awake.

Have you ever had someone make you feel like a giddy teenager? Just curious.

Happy Living All.

I Love the Stars.....

15 years ago, I met a man. My complete opposite. It was cute. Challenging. We dated. We fell in like. Love came eventually. We were ok. A marriage. Two children. Something happened. No reasons. Slow dissolve. We were ok. August 18, 2009. Papers drafted. Gap. February 9, 2011. Papers filed. A parking lot walk. A hug. A smile. A good bye. We’re more than ok.

I signed on the dotted line of divorce today and it feels good. My path is changing and it feels even better. I owe a debt of gratitude to the stars right now.

Happy Living All!

Really??..... I mean.... Really??

I just had my blogospheric ass handed to me in a pretty little package. I have this "friend" who just happened to casually bring up the fact that he also "dabs' a little in blogging. He knows I do it, he reads mine from time to time. How does he fail to mention that he, too, exposes himself through the wires? So, as if getting past the initial condescending tone of "Oh, You didn't know I did that?" wasn't enough, I had to sit back and graciously allow this person to bitch slap me and I haven't even had my coffee yet.

Are you fucking kidding me??? And I don't typically drop the F bomb here, but seriously..... Are you fucking kidding me??? I know that I'm cheap as shit and completely technically uninclined when it comes to computers and such. I "borrow" blogs sites for their ease and the fact that I pretty much don't have to lift a finger to create anything except to spit out my random thoughts which may or may not save the world. I liked my pretty rainbow and my stars and the fact that half my site doesn't even work because I don't know how the hell to fix it. I liked that it didn't matter if my site comes across as a grade school project with little to no effort needed. I liked thinking that I was pretty savvy when in fact I know I'm not.

But apparently I am WAY behind the times here. Because I have nothing on him. Why did you have to do this oh dear "friend" of mind? Why did you have to make me wake up to just how lame my site really is? Why couldn't you just let me continue believing that I had something really special here? Oh no, you just had to bitch slap me with that smile on your face and say something to the likes of "yeah, I just dabble from time to time." I got your number. And now I have a new mission.

Stay tuned for a complete make-over. Great site "KC". I could get lost in the whole thing. And that is good. I like a good challenge.

Happy Living All.

Dear New Year's Resolution,

I know it's been a while since I last wrote to you. Well, one year to be exact. I guess you get a lot of incoming emails, letters, foot traffic, etc. this time of year. Like millions of other people, I, too, am guilty of only touching base with you in January each year. But..... well.... it's your own fault. Your name is "New Year's Resolution" after all. And as such, you are usually only thought about during the after-Christmas-sale-frenzie. If you're lucky, thoughts of you will linger through the latter half of the month. And if someone truly loves you, they will stay committed to you well into the new year.

You were good to me last year. I made my commitment to you on January 1, 2010, to read more books. You stayed fresh in my mind and the relationship between us blossomed. It was a joint effort of course. The guilt you represent when someone looses sight of you is enormous. And therefore, you yield your tricky wand in a magical circle as if to make us believe we actually stayed true to our commitment on our own. When in actuality, we fear the guilt that will come should we back out of our promises. Your support (guilt-trip) and my determination (fear) resulted in an astonishing completion of six whole books. And they weren't picture books for my boys. They were actual 300+ page books with real substance. Me and you were "picture perfect" last year.

While I'm proud of what we accomplished in 2010, I have decided to take a different approach to 2011. You are amazing and useful, don't get me wrong. It's just that, besides you, oh dear Resolution, I have not been the best in the commitment arena. 2010 was tough for me, with a lot (A LOT) of changes in my life. And, well, yours was the only one I was able to keep. I tried, believe me I tried. My "Project 365" ended just shy of 100 days. My goal to start training for another race by the end of the year lead me to quit running sometime around Labor Day. And don't even get me started on my eating habits.

So, I think that my promise to you this year will have to lack a certain level of specificity. Be somewhat vague, if you don't mind. Because I'm afraid that if I make a specific "commitment", a detailed promise to you, then I just might fall short. And I would rather know that I came clean from the get-go and I circumvented guilt by not promising you something I can't guarantee I'll fulfill. Is that a cop out? Maybe. Am I a lame excuse for an optimist? Probably. Do I deserve a little slack for the year I just went through? Most definitely.

Therefore, dear New Year's Resolution, I promise to be a better me. That is all you get this time around. I hope it's enough.

S.O.

Happy Living All! It's a new year, so start with a clean slate........

Ball dropping....

Can you say "I dropped the ball on that one?"...... As I drew near the 100 mark of my project, I knew that my mental exhaustion was winning the battle and that my "project" would come to an abrupt halt. What I didn't know was how great it would feel to actually not think about it for a while.

So now that I have not thought about it for over a month, I guess I need to re-evaluate where I'm taking this site. Project 365 is now out of the question, as I so lamely flaked out. But the posting must forge on. Even though gearing back up to start brainstorming entries again is almost like getting back into a work-out regiment after being lazy for three months (hell, I guess I have to look at that part of my life again too), I am glad to finally hit that blog-post "bookmark" button at the top of my screen and actually start typing. I've missed you oh keeper of my thoughts.

It goes without saying that my life has been full these past several weeks, what with Thanksgiving, family outings, playdates, and working my ass off. I live for this time of year. The cold weather, the holiday decorations, the Christmas music on the radio (yep, I listen to it happily), and the ever so shrinking bank account. Isn't it wonderful? I could care less that I barely have a pot to piss in. I will stretch that pot for as far as the eye can see, just to enjoy this awesome time of year. I'm a Christmas nerd, proudly. I put up our tree the weekend before Thanksgiving. I started listening to B98.5 the minute they switched. We attended a night-time Christmas parade. We had Breakfast with Santa. We rode in a hay ride with Mrs. Claus. We played in the snow (at Christmas, even a dusting of snow counts.) And we have lots more to come. So far, I would rank this holiday season as almost perfect.

The one thing that makes this year "interesting"? This is the first year we're not a family. The boys don't notice it as much as I do. Hell, I don't even think their dad notices it as much as I do. But right now, it doesn't matter. We are the same two people we were when we actually lived together. And maybe that's why this is easier than I thought it would be. I am completely happy. My boys are, too, I hope. This Christmas season will be just as amazing, if not more, as every other year I've been in love with it.

Happy Living All!

Project 365: Day 99 - And Off She Goes....

Looks like I'm flying out again tomorrow for business. My boss comes to ask if I can go and, once again, there was no way I was going to say "no." I actually kind of already anticipated that they might ask me to go again this week. That's why I made arrangements with the boys' dad to have them one extra night this past weekend. Flying out on a late flight just to spend one evening in another city and the entire next day in seminars and training sessions is well worth it when my reward was spending all that quality time I got with my boys.

My babies called me tonight before they went to bed as they do every night they are with their dad. It's hard for me to believe that they're five now. But then they open their mouths and they speak like they're 10. I exaggerate of course. But the conversations we have now are so colorful and animated and the investment they have in whatever they're talking about is like I'm right there in front of them. I never want to rush to get off the phone. Our four or five days a week fly by in a flash and that makes the phone calls all the more precious. I could talk to them for hours.

I'm already looking forward to their phone call tomorrow night. I'll be in another town, a thousand miles away. I'll tell them about my ride in the airplane. Peanut will tell me all about the pet name his teacher, Mrs. Alicia, has for him: "_____y poo" . (leaving it blank for obvious reasons.) And Big E will explain to me how General Greibus (Star Wars character - that's how we pronounce it) is a bad guy and how Dark Badar (again, our pronunciation) is a bigger bad guy. I could listen to them forever. I actually need to buy a tape recorder so that I can just record their voices. Listening as Peanut learns to say million (mill-ee-on) and Big E as he struggles with his S's, well..... there's no sound on earth that's sweeter. Music to my ears.

Hopefully travel will not become a regular thing. But if it does, I might have to invest in one of those cameras for my computer or learn how to skype.

99 of 365: Since my sweet boys are not with me tonight, I pulled a couple more favorites from the archives....

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 98 - Ours, Not Mine....

Often times I feel as though my posts are bordering generic and I feel guilty. Almost as if I'm posting simply to be posting. And truth be told, that is probably the case. There are a great deal of things that I think about opening up about and then I change my mind, wondering if I have a right. After all, the things that happen in my life don't just happen to me alone. There are other people involved and I have to be sensitive to those people in my life.

I have a feeling many other bloggers go through this same tug of war. Do we write about everything or do we compromise our art for the sake of being considerate? Sometimes it's not even about the privacy of other people but rather the idea of becoming a true "open book." Do I really want to air all of my dirty laundry to the world? Who does that help? Me? My children? Strangers I'll never meet?

About two weeks ago, the boys' father finally asked me about my site. Keep in mind, I've been doing this for over two and a half years. Posting about me and my children and uploading photos for the whole world to see. He was concerned that I was serving our children up to strangers, more specifically "very bad" strangers. And to be perfectly honest with you, I never really looked at it that way. Does that make me a bad mother? I actually started feeling guilty that the thought never crossed my mind. How could it not? Society is so full of really bad people and the internet can, at times, be a cesspool of scum (present company not included, of course.)

I know exactly what my mom is saying right now.... "don't let this deter your momentum, don't let this stop you from doing what you enjoy and what you've spent years cultivating." I absolutely agree with her, but you know what? I actually agree with him too. His concern, albeit a couple of years late, is warranted. These are not just my children. They are our children and if he wants to be concerned about how I display them to the world, well, then he has a right to.

I guess I'm writing about this because if I choose to stop posting every single night, it will not be because he asked me to. He actually didn't. Again, this is a man of very few words and the fact that he even opened about his concerns, well, that surprised me and, at the same time, impressed me. He simply asked me about it and said that he felt uneasy. He never told me to quit doing it. I don't think he would ever do that. But he did ask if I could make it private, so that only people I knew would be able to view it. My response was.......... "I don't think I want to do that."

So it's not like I'm completely ignoring his concerns. I hear them and I share them. But if I made my site private, I would feel like I was defeating the purpose of my site. Which is to share a story about a mom who was blind-sided by separation and the loss of her marriage, but who is learning to cope with her new life as a single parent. If I hide that story from the people who might actually be looking for proof that they are not alone in their own journey, then I would be turning my back on one of the reasons I do it. I write my story for three reasons: for me, for my boys, and for the countless other single moms who need to know they have a family and that there is a more pleasant side to divorce.

I still have not decided whether or not I will end my "Project 365" at day 100. But if I do, know that the choice was mine for the reasons I stated last night. I don't want this to become work. I want this to still be an outlet and a place I can go when what I'm experiencing as a single mom is relevant. I may not post every night, but you can bet your ass that a two and half year project will not simply cease. And who knows, maybe I'll change the name from "Project 365" to "100 Days with Peanut and Big E."

I will actually not be posting a photo tonight. My boys and I were too lazy to take pictures. But we did have a great weekend, lounging around in pjs, baking cookies and watching movies for the past two days.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 97 - Decisions, Decisions......

As I draw closer to my 100th post, I've found myself contemplating ending my "project" there. I honestly, feel like I have gone a great deal farther than I ever thought I would. I guess that goes against my optimistic views, haha. But honestly speaking, I never thought I would consistently post every night (with the exception of that one night).

Material is easy to come by with two boys and I have a massive vault of photos to choose from. I think my biggest challenge comes on days when single parenthood has wiped me out. I have only four nights a week with my boys. I usually spend as much quality time with them as I can and therefore, I put off posting until after they're in bed. Of course, I usually pass out with them which requires me to wake up dazed and confused around 11:30. I stumble down stairs, because I have a commitment to keep damn it. And I'm not going to let myself down.

I love posting. I love having a digital journal that I can actually print and maybe one day, my boys will want to read it. I love connecting with other single parents. I love reading comments from dear friends that encourage my every move. But when something starts to feel like it's becoming work rather than a creative outlet or a passion, then I usually take that as my cue to move on.

I haven't made my decision yet. I may stick this thing out for the next 265 days. But if I do decide to move in a different direction, I will not be disappointed in myself. 100 days is a lot of days. And if I decide to write once a week, I think I may give myself the opportunity to be more creative and more insightful.

Stand by......

97 of 365: One of my all-time favorites...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 96 - And the Weekend of "Nothing" Begins...

I honestly think that I should have been a detective. Maybe I was a detective in a former life or something. Because I love a juicy case to solve. You know I work for a law firm, but not a criminal defense attorney or assistant D.A. It's a real estate firm, so not much investigating opportunity there. But every now and then I get a sweet dilemma or mystery that needs figuring out. And today was one of those days. Of course, I cannot go into detail about the merits of the case. I love my job too much to risk anything of the sort. But I will say that today was just one of those days that my former life crossed paths with my present one.

Tonight my boys and I started our weekend of "nothing" with a little Mickey D's (what!... no cooking is ok on the weekend of "nothing"), a little Scooby Doo Haunted House, an overly long session of sorting plastic dinosaurs and finally a Ben 10 marathon. But somewhere in the middle of all that, my boys wanted me to take pictures of them close-up. Ok.... I lie. I wanted to take pictures of them. But they always happily indulge me.

96+ of 365: faces.......

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 95 - Quality Time.....

I cannot begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to this weekend. This will be the first one without a million plans AND my first weekend home in several weeks. Needless to say, I am super behind with house stuff, but I will be taking full advantage of every second I have with just my babies. I love family time and birthday parties and school functions. But I also love quiet weekends where the three of us are in charge of our schedule and we have no where we have to be.

95 of 365: Quality time is absolutely priceless.....

Pumpkin patch at age four

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 94 - Welcome Home Mama.....

Traveling is tough. Especially when its one quick night and all the pillows in youe hotel room are down pillows.

94 of 365: But I did get to come home to lots of candy and my sweet babies...

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 93 - business trips....

I don't love flying. But yesterday, my boss called me into her office and asked if I could join her and the partners on a one night business trip. I certainly was not going to say "no". Even if it does mean that I have to go one extra day without seeing my boys. Hopefully they will understand. Success in my career is success for them too. I work hard so that I can provide for them the way they deserve. Even if it means flying when I don't love flying.

I'm in a decent hotel but with no wifi. So I am entering this semi-post through my iPhone therefore no photo tonight. See you guys with an update tomorrow hopefully.

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 92 - The Power of Positive Relationships....

This weekend was one of those amazing weekends that you just want to freeze in your brain for the rest of your life. I can't begin to tell you how much I love spending joyous times with my boys. And this weekend was no exception. And I was able to do it with the boys' father in a harmonious fashion. Which always makes things easier.

As a single parent you realize that your relationships with the people around you are extremely important. You need certain support levels that you might not seek as a married couple or dual parent household. I lean on my parents for a great deal of support and therefore I always make sure our relationship is in check. Which doesn't take much effort. My parents have always been major supporters of me and I will always be eternally grateful for that.

I also lean on my friends for their ears and their shoulders when things get rough and I need someone outside my regular "go to" mama. It takes a little more effort keeping those relationships in check because the work needed on both sides of the equation can become harder with busy schedules and differing lifestyles. But I always do my part and my friends are amazing for doing theirs.

Being able to have a "harmonious (as I earlier put it) relationship with the boys' father can take a little more effort than all of the above, but it is one of the most important relationships I have to focus on. I know that there are so many people out there who wear the "single parent" name tag that don't have the level of harmony with their former significant others as I have with mine. Of course, I'm not going to lie and say that everything between us is great, because if it were, well, I wouldn't actually be writing this right now. I would be back in my home with my boys at this very moment. There are many things that we disagree on. Some of them having to do with how we raise our children, but most of them having to do with our own personal relationship with each other.

And even though we may never see eye to eye again on our feelings about our marriage or ourselves, we will always bring forth a harmonious front for our children. And the "front" will never be faked or forced. We love spending time with them and we love making them happy. We weren't able to do it together as husband and wife, but we know we have the opportunity to do it together as friends and parents. I will always hold on to that and appreciate the fact that we are strong enough and mature enough to agree at least on that.

This weekend we, as a team, enjoyed a day at Six Flags with the boys, and then another day planning and hosting their birthday party. I had fun. He had fun. And most importantly.... the boys had fun. We will never agree on everything, but we will always love our boys.

92 of 365: Here's to you, Batman and Robin!!!

Good Night All!