Project 365: Day 87 - Where are you?......

A great deal can happen to a person in five years. I look back five years ago and wonder "could I have ever imagined being where I am today?" And the answer, of course, is no. But I guess every person on the face of the earth can say the same thing. No matter how much you try to plan for your life, it just doesn't work that way.

I was blessed to be introduced to two amazing boys five years ago. With them came unimaginable love and understanding that I didn't even know I was capable of feeling. Love is an obvious choice of words. But understanding? You may ask why I chose that particular word. The problems in my marriage didn't start a year ago when I decided to move out or even four years ago when I decided to start taking anti-anxiety medication. Our problems started long before these two amazing children entered our lives. They started before the idea of children even came into play.

So why did I stay for so long in a relationship that was bound to end up this way? I don't usually try to ask myself that question. Because to ask would be to discredit "their" existence. It doesn't matter anymore what happened or when it happened or why it happened. All that matters is that I did stay and thankful for that I will always be. That is what I understand.

I am a firm believer that things happen for reason. I know. I know. What a cliche. But isn't it true? Can't you look at your own life, and the circumstances that came to be because of decisions you made at some point or another, and say "hey, that happened for this reason?" The place in which we stand today exists because of the road we chose to take, for better or for worse. And the "reason" may not be something we can see clearly right now, but it will come into our view sooner or later. That is what I understand.

I started seeing clearly five years ago. And although my present situation may not be the ideal one, I know that the what, when and why doesn't matter except to show me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. That is what I understand.

This weekend I will celebrate the day that God opened my eyes five years ago. They are the reason for every road I have chosen to travel down my entire life. Those choices didn't start the day I married their father. Those choices started long before I even met him. That is what I understand.

87 of 365: Everything in my life happened for this reason:

Boys 4th Birthday

Good Night All!

Project 365: Day 8 - Excitement in many forms.....

I believe we would all agree that excitement comes in many forms. Jumping up and down. Letting out a high-pitched squeal (which could be awkward if you're a guy). Cart wheels down a long hallway. My excitement comes out through an uncontrollable smile. One that just won't seem to go away no matter how hard I try.

I love to watch people getting excited about things. It shows passion. It shows heart. It shows a level of feeling that you're not afraid to let shine, regardless of how ridiculous you may look. The ridiculousness is the best part. Because it shows that you are able to let go and just feel. Isn't that what life is all about anyway?

I love watching my boys get excited most of all. It's usually the result of getting a new toy or moving to a new challenge on a video game or pulling into the White Water Park parking lot. By my favorite form of their excitement comes when they are trying to tell me a story and they are so passionate about it that their words move faster than their mouths. And they get tongue tied and flustered, but when they finally make it to the end, they finish with a proud and resounding "And that's what REALLY happened!" Just awesome.

But today I witnessed a rare form of excitement. One that comes when you least expect it. It totally sneaks up and you and takes you by surprise. Today was the first day of Pre-K.

8 (a, b, and c) of 365: Can't you just feel the excitement oozing from their tiny little pores???......

Good Night All!

Yay Me!.........

I hate when people who keep blogs come back after a long absence of posting and say something like "Wow! I can't believe it's been two months since my last post! Well, here's what I've been up to....." So lame.........

So................. , ummm........... wow, it's been over a month since my last post.......... what the hell have I been doing????? (That was better, right??)

I started a new job! That's a perfectly damn good excuse. And I will use it because I have no other. Aren't you happy that I'm least not posting about another Saturday night drinking beer and fondling the computer?? Don't answer that.

So, yes, I'm still single, I'm still loving and enjoying every minute I have with my four year old twins, I still spend most Saturday nights alone, I'm still getting used to my new town and I still have no dining room furniture. But other than that, much has changed. I have stuck to most of the enlightened changes I've made over the past few months with the exception of church. I really suck at getting up early when I'm not required to fight two four year olds into their clothes, just to turn around and fight traffic for an hour getting to school and work. Weekend mornings are some of my most prized possessions, with my black out plantation shutters and my kids who now sleep until 9 and sometimes 10 if I keep it dark enough that they don't know any better. I know, I suck! I should put that "higher place" I talked about a few posts ago back at the front of the line in priorities. Luckily that church I attended also broadcasts the sermon at 11 am and 6 pm on Sunday, so I have a chance to still get my church on, bedhead and all.

Ok, so back to this new job. I figured that if I was going to change my marital status and my abode, why not just go for it and change everything. Therefore, I made a huge leap of faith and left my job of almost 14 years and went somewhere new. It was a great decision! I've been there for almost a month and I couldn't be happier (job-wise). It has given me a chance to build on that promise I made to myself to get out and meet new people. Of course, I'm still the newbie and only know a handful of folks, but it is a stepping stone that I am happy to have placed my feet on.

So, I'm still here. On this playground. Watching the other kids play. But this time, I am actually walking across the woodchips, passing those who are still afraid to make a move, and I'm joining the other kids in that sandbox and it feels good.

Yay me!

Alright, I'm going to be changing up a few things soon. I plan on starting this new little project called, well, hell, I don't remember what it's called, but I'm excited about it. It has something to do with taking a picture everyday for 365 days and making notations about the where, the why, the everything, the anything, or even the nothing about that photo. I am totally stoked about doing it. Should be forth coming soon. (crap - another commitment I am now required to follow through on b/c I opened my big fat mouth).

Happy Living All!

Saturday Nights.............

Nights like tonight are what I dread all week long. It's like the air being let out of my balloon. No, it's like my teeth being punched out of my mouth. I see them flying across the room and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, but watch them land on the other side and hope they can be somewhat repaired like new. I'm talking about my child crying in the back seat of daddy's car when he comes to pick them up. I've had them for "my share" of the time and now it's daddy's turn. I know I agreed to this custody arrangement, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I know that it is better for the boys in the long run, but that doesn't mean it will make it easier. And I know that it is only fair to everyone, but that doesn't mean I still won't cry on Saturday nights. Every Saturday night.

Ugh! I have got to get a life!!!!!! One that doesn't result in me drowning my sorrows in Amstel Light every single Saturday...................... alone. If I were enjoying this Amstel Light with a great girlfriend in some cool bar, staring at some hot guy, that would be much much better. Well, enjoying the beer WITH the hot guy would be much much better. But right now I would settle for any warm blooded human being. Anyone that prevents me from literally saying "cheers" to the computer screen would be awesome!

But I digress. I know that this is one of the many steps I must endure before my life makes that miraculous turn around some blind-sided corner and my eyes are opened to a world of possibilities. And part of me actually believes that fairy tale bullshit. Because if I don't let some part of me believe in it, then, really.....what is this all for? I could have just endured many more years in a loveless marriage, being "friends" with my husband, and never being truly loved again. OOOOOORRRRRRRRR, I can dig down inside of me, pull out as much courage as I can find among the blood and gore and such, step off the plank and dive deep into an ocean of crap and tears and uncertainty (and beer) all in the name of finding those "possibilities" that damn fairy tale talks about in the first place.

So there. I said it........ I believe in fairy tales........... I believe in happy endings. But luckily for me, I am realistic about it. I know that it won't come today or tomorrow or even next week. I know that there are a great deal of obstacles I must face and trip over before I am able to quit stumbling and walk straight. I know that crying on Saturday nights might be the norm for a little while (unless one of my girlfriends would like to come rescue me sometime, I mean seriously.....) So until then, I will keep believing in the fairy tale and the happy ending that I know someday will be mine.

And I'm going to enjoy this beer.

Happy Living All!