Project 365: Day 4 - Double Sigh.....

4 of 365: AND I've lost them again.....

Good night all!

Project 365: Day 3 - I'm Resourceful.......

I use it for many reasons: to make them quit fighting, to make them do something nice for their brother, to make Ethan take turns, to make Chase eat something he wrinkles his nose up at, and ultimately to make them love me more. I'm talking about bribery. Yes, I said it! Whatcha gonna do about it??

I'm sure I'm not the first and nor will I be the last. Sometimes that's all you got when you're in Target and they refuse to quit pinching each other while sitting in that buggy where the seats really only allow enough room for one year olds. (but I'm not complaining....Thank you Target and Walmart and Publix for recognizing that not every family consists of only one child).

Don't get me wrong, I do not use it every single day..... well, maybe I do, but only one or two times a day! One of my dear friends posted a loving comment on one of my posts about how married parents take for granted certain things. When you are dual parent household, tag teaming certain "duties" really does come in handy. But when you're a single parent, you don't have the luxury of one parent cleaning the kitchen after dinner while the other parent gets the kids bathed and ready for bed. Sometimes, in order for me to successfully make it through those stores I mentioned earlier, I have to resort to extreme measures. And if I had a penny for every time I said "if you don't stop it right now, I am putting these toys back!" Well, needless to say, I'd be rich and then I could just hire that "second parent". Actually I'd probably be rich already if it weren't for all those damn toys! (yes mama, I said damn.)

But there is a small part of me that really loves buying them things that make them so happy. Who am I kidding??? There is a LARGE part of me that loves it. I treasure every single second I have with my boys even if it forces me into bankruptcy. It's absolutely worth every penny!

And therein lies picture number 3. Today's end result of bribery. Quit looking at me like that..... I got what I needed in Target AND we had our first non video game night in weeks! It really works. I recommend it to all my friends! =)

3 of 365: Bribery...

Good night all!

Project 365: Day 2 - Sigh........

So I've lost my boys to this thing called.......... XBox.

I'll keep you posted if I'm able to find them again.......

Good night all!

Project 365: Day 1 - Realizations....

Sometimes divorce is a quick and painful experience that happens in a blinding instant. The impact taking the air out of your lungs. Leaving you dizzy and confused.

But sometimes divorce is a long slow process through individual events over a long period of time. The gradual distancing; the occasional show of disrespect; the growing lack of interest. You don't see them at first; passing them off as "oh he had a bad day at work, or he's not feeling well, or it's his time of the month." You refuse to acknowledge these events that are culminating, gathering, and growing into divorce as a whole. Because once you've acknowledged the event, gave it significance, it becomes one of many realizations.

It happens like aging. You don't notice the new wrinkles every single day. You refuse to see the gradual sagging of body parts. You ignore each new grey hair. But then all of a sudden, you wake up one morning, walk to the bathroom, rub the sleep out of yours eyes and oh my God! You're old! When did this happen? How did I not see it coming? Why did all this just sneak up on me??!!

It didn't. It was there, all along, trying to speak to you, showing you the signs every day. It was the blind eye that turned away. It was your refusal to accept or acknowledge. Or maybe, you knew it was there, hovering just under the surface. You've always known that it will bubble over one day. You simply wanted to live as much time in oblivion as possible. There's nothing wrong with that. I've done it for years.

And now, I leave you with my first picture of many, 365 to be exact. This image of sadness is one that I hope will not repeat itself. Because I do not want this project to be about sadness, but rather the multitude of steps my boys and I will go through on this journey.

1 of 365:

Heading home after what will probably be our last family vacation, together, the four of us. Realization number 687.

Good night all!

Project 365.....

So, I told you I was working on a project. Well, this is it. Over the next year, I will take pictures....... lots of pictures. Each day I will upload one from that day and I will talk about it. Or maybe I won't (talk about it, that is). It just depends on how my mood floats me. But each day, there will be something. Some sort of reminder of what took place that day; a photo-journal if you will.....

I am one of the gabillion who has a Facebook page and one of my "friends" talked about this project and it truly interested me. When our boys were first born, we took pictures.................. lots of pictures. But as they are growing, I am finding my time slipping away and very few photos to remind me of these precious moments. Therefore, I am making it a point to remember every single day, for one whole year.

I barely remember what I ate or even wore yesterday. And those are the things I don't really care about remembering (except when I want to make sure I don't wear the same outfit two days in a row to work - that would be awkward). But things like what my children ate, if they liked it, if they hated it, if they crinkled up their noses and refused to eat it in the first place; or things like what they wore or said or simply how their sweet faces looked that day. THOSE are the things I CANNOT afford to forget. Those are things that are most precious to me over all other things.

Now, some days I may not have photo commentary regarding them. Some days may consist of thoughts from my increasingly jumbled brain. On those days, I will consider it a survival tactic of sorts; a way to release some of that jumble junk my brain seems to love collecting.

But the rest of those days will be my boys and our journey on this road alone, just the three of us.

Happy Living All! (and I hope you enjoy)......

P.S. I will cheat on day one. Tomorrow's photo was actually taken today. I know......already I'm not following the rules....... So what! I can play however I want. =)

Yay Me!.........

I hate when people who keep blogs come back after a long absence of posting and say something like "Wow! I can't believe it's been two months since my last post! Well, here's what I've been up to....." So lame.........

So................. , ummm........... wow, it's been over a month since my last post.......... what the hell have I been doing????? (That was better, right??)

I started a new job! That's a perfectly damn good excuse. And I will use it because I have no other. Aren't you happy that I'm least not posting about another Saturday night drinking beer and fondling the computer?? Don't answer that.

So, yes, I'm still single, I'm still loving and enjoying every minute I have with my four year old twins, I still spend most Saturday nights alone, I'm still getting used to my new town and I still have no dining room furniture. But other than that, much has changed. I have stuck to most of the enlightened changes I've made over the past few months with the exception of church. I really suck at getting up early when I'm not required to fight two four year olds into their clothes, just to turn around and fight traffic for an hour getting to school and work. Weekend mornings are some of my most prized possessions, with my black out plantation shutters and my kids who now sleep until 9 and sometimes 10 if I keep it dark enough that they don't know any better. I know, I suck! I should put that "higher place" I talked about a few posts ago back at the front of the line in priorities. Luckily that church I attended also broadcasts the sermon at 11 am and 6 pm on Sunday, so I have a chance to still get my church on, bedhead and all.

Ok, so back to this new job. I figured that if I was going to change my marital status and my abode, why not just go for it and change everything. Therefore, I made a huge leap of faith and left my job of almost 14 years and went somewhere new. It was a great decision! I've been there for almost a month and I couldn't be happier (job-wise). It has given me a chance to build on that promise I made to myself to get out and meet new people. Of course, I'm still the newbie and only know a handful of folks, but it is a stepping stone that I am happy to have placed my feet on.

So, I'm still here. On this playground. Watching the other kids play. But this time, I am actually walking across the woodchips, passing those who are still afraid to make a move, and I'm joining the other kids in that sandbox and it feels good.

Yay me!

Alright, I'm going to be changing up a few things soon. I plan on starting this new little project called, well, hell, I don't remember what it's called, but I'm excited about it. It has something to do with taking a picture everyday for 365 days and making notations about the where, the why, the everything, the anything, or even the nothing about that photo. I am totally stoked about doing it. Should be forth coming soon. (crap - another commitment I am now required to follow through on b/c I opened my big fat mouth).

Happy Living All!

Putting Myself Out There...............

Ok, so I've been in my new neighborhood for almost six months now. I love the area. It is so family friendly. But I miss my old friends. It is tough to try and make a whole new circle of "my people". It is almost like being a kid and starting at a new school. You walk around and see other kids socializing and playing on the swings and in the sandbox and they have been friends for years (or at least a few weeks and that's a long time to a kid). But it is somehow easier for them. They don't have a lifetime of experiences to use as their excuse as to why they can't just walk right up to someone and start pushing them on the swing. They don't have memories of fear or anxiety or nervousness when it comes to intruducing themselves to complete strangers (although that is one quality all parents wish their children had programmed into their innocent little brains). Instead, they are carefree and adventurous. They don't see challenges. They simply see other kids having fun and why wouldn't they want to be a part of that? What could be so difficult about walking right up and jumping right in?

I keep telling myself that and yet, weekend after weekend that I am without my boys, I find myself in the same ole routine. Clean house, go running, get groceries, and then plop down in front of the television for another Saturday or Sunday night Tivo marathon. Usually accompanied by a beer or two. Or maybe wine if I'm feeling fancy.

Motivation was never anything I found difficult. But lately, my mind is consumed with "I wonder what my friends are doing." or "I wish I had friends out here that I could just go hang out with", or "I wish my friends would just drive their lazy asses out to here to visit me, I mean what kind of friends are they anyway? Do they even care? Do they even realize how bored I am or how much I miss them and need them?" Oh, sorry about that. Lost myself in a tangent for a moment. (side note to all my friends who read this - I know you love me and I know you have your own lives. I can be called out too for not coming to see you guys more often.)

I think we all have these kinds of thoughts from time to time and our only way of making ourselves feel better is to blame the other people in our lives for not making the effort. But hey, who are we kidding? We're not making the efforts either. And in my case, my friends just live so damn far away. Yes, I am the one that moved, but remember, I'm trying to make ME feel better right now.

So in an effort to quit whining and bitching about sitting on the sidelines while I watch all the other kids play, I am putting myself out there! I love and miss my friends immensely, but I realize that being in a new town means that I have to make "new friends." So I am going out in my new neighborhood more, I joined a Single Parents Meetup Group, and I've already met one other single mom who is going to join me on this new venture (at least I hope she will.) And who knows, meeting new folks might lead to meeting possible "date material." And that's another topic all to itself.

Happy Living All!