"Mama, I'm Ready to go Home......."

Three days into my new house, these were the words that graced the lips of Big E. It is as hard for me to type it as it was to hear it. But I get it. I totally do. To him this is not his home. Or at least its not what he thinks of when he thinks of "home". I wonder how long it will take before he starts to think of mama's house as "home" too? For him, I wish that it were 6 months into the future, where he can begin to feel comfortable with two "homes". For him, I wish it were 6 months ago, where all he knew was one home and comfort was not something he had to worry about.

From time to time my guilt as a parent, for the choices I've made, takes me to a place where I, too, am uncomfortable. That lack of comfort I share with my boys as they try to decifer what is really going on. We talk about this, their dad and I. And we both struggle with balancing importance. That struggle is what led us here in the first place....... balancing what our children needed from us as well as what we needed from each other. Our choice to put them first is paramount and, at times, hard to explain to people that don't interpret our actions that way. All they see are two people that didn't want to be married anymore so they made a choice to separate regardless of what it did to the children. And that couldn't be further from the truth. When you don't love each other the same way anymore, it is hard to stay and let that be the example you set for your children. I'm not quite sure why I am feeling the need to defend my choice to separate. Maybe it is that guilt creeping back up. Maybe I'm just defending it to my own self.

Do I wish things could have worked our differently? Absolutely. But ultimately, I know there is a plan for me. Some master arrangment of stars that were laid out for me long before I was born. If traveling this path that has been positioned in front of me means that I might encounter the occasional lack of comfort, then I will do it. I will do it for my boys because they are the reasons I'm on this path to begin with. They hold the key to my past, my present and my future and I will get no where unless I put one uncomfortable foot in front of the other.

So I will embrace my star hopping, path traveling, planned plan and see where it leads me. I will not let guilt or fear or sadness tell me which way to go.

Happy Living All!

Commitments and TNT.......

Well I did it. I fell victim to the ole “it’s a new year, it’s going to be a new me, time to make some changes, etc, etc, etc” euphoria. That’s a good thing though. While I still hold tight to my belief in making “anti-resolutions” as opposed to actual new year’s resolutions, I believe this will really start my new year…….ahem… new life off on the right foot.

So here goes………………for all the world to see…………..my commitment……….

I quit smoking completely (I know, gross right?) AND I signed up to train for another marathon this year. I am actually totally stoked about both!! Smoking is gross, but I did it anyway. I was a smoker many years back and quit fairly easily. And then last year, around this same time, I picked it back up. Chock it up to one of those “questionable judgment calls” I mentioned in my previous post. At first I enjoyed it, still getting the nicotine high that non-smokers get. Then it just became habit, albeit only two a day, but still. So, I started this morning with almost an entire pack in my purse. By the time I got to work, I made my commitment to stop. Threw them away in the parking lot. It’s that simple. Once I completely commit to something, I usually have no problems following through. And I have placed the added burden of honesty on myself by sharing my commitment with the world. Kinda like getting that gym membership. You are more likely to go when you see the draft coming out of your bank account every month, right?

And I know what you’re thinking….. a marathon? Yes. I actually grew up hating running, but for some reason I did it anyway. And then about 6 years ago (pre twins), I signed up with the American Stroke Association and trained for a marathon to be run in Bermuda of all places. The training was great. And the Marathon?........um not-so-great. I take that back. The marathon itself was GREAT! The time in which I ran it, ummmm, walked it, was not. But hey, I finished and that’s what counts right??? Plus I raised over $4000 for the American Stroke Association. Win-win!!

This year I am running for my aunt and my cousin. They both have an unfortunate personal relationship with cancer. My aunt is in the middle of her fight. Having endured her first round of chemo just this past week. She is an amazing spirit, my aunt. She smiles at pain, laughs at fear and sucker punches obstacles. I hope that if I am ever faced with anything remotely as scary as cancer that I can flip it the bird with as much southern grace as she does. I do this for her.

My cousin is a vibrant, beautiful young mother of two who has been divorcing her cancer for the past several years now. It was an ugly divorce. One that was full of name calling, finger pointing and top-of-the-lung yelling sessions, that left her body frail and barely reminiscent of what she once was. But like any other divorce, the separation has given her new birth. She is a cancer survivor in every possible meaning of the word. An inspiration to her children, her friends and her family. I do this for her.

So here I am, at another crossroads, in which I am choosing the less-easy road. Divorce sucks, becoming a single parent sucks, moving into a new home and starting all over again sucks. But life itself does not have to. =)

Happy Living All!

Happy New Life!.......

Wow. I am really sucking at keeping this blog up to date. Let's see..... my last post was in November. I guess this is as good a time as any to declare at least one New Year's resolution. Write more. =)

I'm actually not big on new year's resolutions. The new and shineyness of it only lasts about a month and then it wears off. So I will declare a new year's anti-resolution in hopes that a change in perspective will motivate me more.

So I guess before I can begin a new year in new perspective, I must revisit crimes of this year past. I had probably one of the biggest life changing years in quite some time. I had to dig deep, deep, deep inside of myself to grab hold of enough courage to help me move on. The journey to the depths of my soul lead me down roads I had not expected to encounter. Details of these roads will remain my own, but needless to say, when faced with the toughest decisions in my life, I made some rather questionable judgment calls. Some I regret, others I embrace, all I learned from.

So now that I am on the other end of this branch of my journey, what roads will I choose to take? My first road begins Sunday, when I will have my furniture delivered to my new home. I have tried to make this a gentle road for my boys. I took them to see their new second home for the first time last week. I had been dreading this for a long time. My heart ached every time I thought about what they would think when they realized mama and daddy didn't live together anymore. My anxiety levels skyrocketed at the notion of making them bear the burden of my failed marriage by traveling from home to home. And my mind raced with fears of their personalities changing because they can't understand how to deal with what is going on. But with one step into their new home, my own children made all that go away.

With every turn he took, Big E simply said "cool." And Peanut ran around wanting to discover every inch of this foreign place. They ran up the stairs anxious to see their new room and asked if they could have a tv. They ran to mama's new bathroom and marveled at the enormous bathtub and already talked about how much fun they were going to have in there. They leaped onto the large back porch like cats and began throwing leaves at each other laughing and running in circles. I was able to take a step back and watch in amazement at how these two small human beings took away every fear and anxiety their mama had been experiencing. It took them 10 minutes to wash away years of helplessness in my heart. It took them 10 minutes to open my eyes that it will be them taking care of me and not the other way around.

We had a picnic on the living room floor and Big E looked up and said "mama, I love your new home".

Happy Living All!

And Happy New Year!

The next step.....

So, in my journey towards single-motherhood, many decisions have to be made. And one thing that people have a hard time understanding is that I am involving the STBE in most of them. It is important to me that we maintain civility during a trying time for both of us. It is amazing to me that people expect there to be so much anger and hostility and negativity. As you most of you know, negativity is not part of my make-up.

But it is easier for people to accept the idea of "being mad" rather than "being happy." We both want to be happy and it is not possible to accomplish that with anger. So we do what we need to do to make it a positive environment for our children. This is going to affect them regardless. Why influence that affect with anything less than "positive" images in a sad situation. Therefore, he has been a part of this "new home" decision. He joined me and my agent when we went to look at it. He helped me weigh options regarding one place over another. And ultimately, he will move to the general area to be close to his children. And I want him close to his children. He deserves to be as big a part of their lives as I do.

So we are now at the point of my moving out. I found a house, which I am truly excited about. Gut-wrenchingly scared to death about, but excited none the less. Fear will be a natural re-occurrence during this most significant transition. But I will conquer it like anything else. One day at a time.

Many people in my life have mixed emotions about this move and I don't blame them. They, too, are scared for me. But if they know anything about me, they know I will look this challenge in the face with an arrogant stance and flip it the bird.

Happy Living All!

Quick answer to a loaded question.......

My precious four year old asked me a loaded question last night…..

“You happy, mama?”

Wow, so young, yet so profound.

“Yes, I am happy Peanut. You make me very happy.”

If I were to sit down and create a list of the things that make me truly happy, I’m certain the list would consist of 99% Peanut and Big E. Those boys are my saviors in so many ways. Sure, my life would probably have been content had I not been blessed with their presence, but content is not my idea of a good life. I would trade a hundred content years for one happy day with my boys.

Happy Living all!

How much love.............

Once again, today brings with it another article I must share. If you belong to the “single mom who gets her news by the front page of MSN.com” club, or if you got your copy of the November 2009 issue of O Magazine, then you already know which article I’m talking about.

Susan Klebold, after 10 agonizing years, breaks her silence about the unthinkable acts committed by her son at Columbine. Even now, as I’m typing and replaying passages from her essay through my mind, I’m overcome with emotion. Is it my attempt to relate to a woman I’ve never met whose pain is something I hope to never endure? Is it the overwhelming urge to squeeze both my boys as tight as I can at this very moment? It is a fear that no matter what kind of mother I am and no matter how much I love my boys, that sometimes things will just happen that are out of my control? I believe it is a combination of all of those.

We, as good parents, spend so much time making sure that our children know that they are loved more than they could possibly imagine. We would squeeze 36 hours into a 24 hour day if it meant we could show them more love. We would throw ourselves in front of God knows what if it would protect them. But how do you cope with the fact that you have done all of these things only to suffer a Columbine-like consequence?

And how is it that sometimes children of unloving and disregarding parents seem to walk away unscathed by depression or anxiety or thoughts of violence? How come a mother, whose love cannot be measured in arm’s length because there are no arms in the world long enough to stretch across this vast universe of ours, be made to bear a burden so unimaginable? And how come a mother, whose first priority lies not in the well-being of her child, but rather a host of other non-child related materials, deliver to the world a relatively well-adjusted human being? Have we lost sight of the fundamentals in child-rearing that video games and reality television are new age nannies freeing us from our ultimate responsibility as parents? Or did we ever have control of our children to begin with? Does it matter if a parent shows great love or great disregard? Do we just throw up our hands and say “to hell with it! They are going to be who they are going to be, regardless of what I do.”

I don’t know the answer to any of these? All I know is that there is a woman in Colorado that will spend the rest of her life knowing that she loved her son with every fiber of her being and something terrible happened. Sometimes bad things just happen.

Keep loving your children with every fiber of your being. That is all we can do.

Happy Living all! And stay strong, Susan Klebold. You are not to blame.


http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200911-omag-susan-klebold-columbine

Bare it all, at any size.........

Has it really been two whole months???!!! Sorry loyal reader. =) (note the singular of that).

I could go on and on about why I haven't posted in two months. I could give you the play by play of 60 days of crap, anxiety, laughter, fear, indecisiveness, and down right mental throw up, but I will spare you that joyous experience, although I know that you were so looking forward to it.

Instead, I will write about something that got me really excited and proud today! To preface, I don't get to watch much television in real time. Most of my days consist of walking behind a four year old picking all of the 18 sets of clothes he has changed into that day, or explaining everything to my other four year old including explaining that the googly eyes on top of that stack of dough is the money he could have been saving had he switched to Geico, only to realize he doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, or watching the two of them engage in an all out battle of web slinging, or spending two hours trying to get them to take a nap only to finally give up thinking "screw it - at least this means they will go to bed early", and then they STILL stay up until 11. Ugh! But boy how I love it.

So my point??? My point is that I do not have much time for television in real time (thank you TIVO from the bottom of my heart.) And since I am unable to watch guilty pleasures or down right damn good television as they are happening, that also means that I am unable to catch up on the news. My only method of knowing what's going on in the world is the home page of MSN.com.

**Note to the media - if you want the average working mom to be kept abreast of worldly happenings, be sure to include in the top one half of your home page. That's the only way most of don't look stupid at the office water cooler.**

Anyway, back to my point. On today's home page was this great article about a plus sized model, Lizzi Miller, and her "bare it all" photo shoot with Glamour magazine. Now here is a gorgeous woman with an amazing smile and gorgeous face and a stature I would kill for of 5 foot 11 inches. And on the flip side of that, here is a woman that if she described herself on a dating site, without a photo, would loose the interest of several possible suitors as soon as she mentioned her 180 pounds. And on the most impressive side of it all, here is a woman that is so happy with who she is in the September issue of Glamour magazine, she strips down to her skivvies and sheds light on what most of us look like. I love you Lizzi Miller. I love you for showing the world that gain is gorgeous and that confidence and happiness do not have to be measured in the mirror. I love for making me smile when I look in my own mirror. I love you for having that pooch of yours spill over your bikini, as mine spills with the same lack of regard. I love you for making me think about this.

For years, I have struggled with my "baby pooch." Four years to be exact. It has taunted me and laughed at me with every bathing suit I anguishingly tried on. It pointed its finger at me with it's "na na na na na na" smirk as if to know it was here to stay no matter how many miles I ran or how many sit ups I endured.

Thank you, Lizzi, for showing me (and many others) that beauty is a part of the whole, big or small. So "na na na na na na" to you baby pooch! I will fight you no longer. I win this time.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32538061/ns/today-today_fashion_and_beauty/

Happy Living all!