Putting Myself Out There...............

Ok, so I've been in my new neighborhood for almost six months now. I love the area. It is so family friendly. But I miss my old friends. It is tough to try and make a whole new circle of "my people". It is almost like being a kid and starting at a new school. You walk around and see other kids socializing and playing on the swings and in the sandbox and they have been friends for years (or at least a few weeks and that's a long time to a kid). But it is somehow easier for them. They don't have a lifetime of experiences to use as their excuse as to why they can't just walk right up to someone and start pushing them on the swing. They don't have memories of fear or anxiety or nervousness when it comes to intruducing themselves to complete strangers (although that is one quality all parents wish their children had programmed into their innocent little brains). Instead, they are carefree and adventurous. They don't see challenges. They simply see other kids having fun and why wouldn't they want to be a part of that? What could be so difficult about walking right up and jumping right in?

I keep telling myself that and yet, weekend after weekend that I am without my boys, I find myself in the same ole routine. Clean house, go running, get groceries, and then plop down in front of the television for another Saturday or Sunday night Tivo marathon. Usually accompanied by a beer or two. Or maybe wine if I'm feeling fancy.

Motivation was never anything I found difficult. But lately, my mind is consumed with "I wonder what my friends are doing." or "I wish I had friends out here that I could just go hang out with", or "I wish my friends would just drive their lazy asses out to here to visit me, I mean what kind of friends are they anyway? Do they even care? Do they even realize how bored I am or how much I miss them and need them?" Oh, sorry about that. Lost myself in a tangent for a moment. (side note to all my friends who read this - I know you love me and I know you have your own lives. I can be called out too for not coming to see you guys more often.)

I think we all have these kinds of thoughts from time to time and our only way of making ourselves feel better is to blame the other people in our lives for not making the effort. But hey, who are we kidding? We're not making the efforts either. And in my case, my friends just live so damn far away. Yes, I am the one that moved, but remember, I'm trying to make ME feel better right now.

So in an effort to quit whining and bitching about sitting on the sidelines while I watch all the other kids play, I am putting myself out there! I love and miss my friends immensely, but I realize that being in a new town means that I have to make "new friends." So I am going out in my new neighborhood more, I joined a Single Parents Meetup Group, and I've already met one other single mom who is going to join me on this new venture (at least I hope she will.) And who knows, meeting new folks might lead to meeting possible "date material." And that's another topic all to itself.

Happy Living All!

Optimism and Church..........

So in my quest to remain an optimistic person while facing an ever challenging life, I have decided to seek assistance outside of myself. I am appealing to a higher being. I started going to church. I've never considered myself a very religious person, but I have been Baptized and I grew up in church. I guess I decided at some point in my life that organized religion was not for me. As a child, I attended a church that was torn apart by politics and opinionated views. I'm not sure if that put a bad taste in my mouth or if, as I got older, I simply evolved into the decision that this wasn't for me. Either way, I gapped the distance between myself and that higher place.

But now things in my life are different. And all too many times, people use life's challenges as their excuse to walk back through those church doors and into God's arms. I am guilty of that. I am guilty of far worse things, but today we will start here.

I have always been able to guide myself when it came to tough roads that lay ahead of me. But sometimes (most of the time) I am not enough. I am discovering that the most positive mind in the world (not that I am claiming I possess it), can use guidance from something else, whether it be family, friends, physicians, pastors or community. When faced with the challenges that single parents are faced with and when trying to remain optimistic about life, turning to sources of guidance beyond yourself has to become part of the plan.

I love my new church. It is humongous! But at the same time, something makes you feel right at home. Andy Stanley is the pastor and sometimes you don't even see him live during his sermons, but he provides a connection that is delivered in the most casual, good friend over coffee conversation. He dresses in jeans and he gives you rock in roll music to worship to. It is the church that isn't really church.

Maybe that is what I've been looking for all along.

Happy Living All!

Another Saturday Night....

Yes, it's that time again. Saturday night. But I promise this post will be more uplifting than the last. Of course, my girlfriends are having drinks right down the street from me of all places! And I can't join. Funny how just last week I bitched about not going out with my girlfriends and mildewing at home alone on Saturday nights and befriending the computer screen to a disturbing degree. (boy, that was awkward.) And here it is, Saturday night, and they are RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD! I could practically walk!!! Which would really come in handy!

But don't worry. Like I said, this is a happy post. I am not with them because I chose to spend this beautiful Saturday with my boys! It is the first day of Spring in the year that me and my boys made the biggest change of our lives. It just seemed fitting for me to spend this day with them. And what a gorgeous day it was! We finally had no rain in the ATL and the temps hovered around 70. It was the P-E-R-F-E-C-T first day of Spring!

And since we are fairly new to the area, we are still trying to get our bearings of the place. Luckily I found a playground very close to our house. And what a playground it is!!! The playscapes are amazing, several in different sizes for every age. There is a nature trail that goes for a few miles (I think), and the ball fields...... omg the ball fields. There's nothing like sound of kids playing ball that evokes the feeling of spring. It was a beautiful day!

And now it is time for us to retire for the evening. Off to bath time and the smell of clean kids. I look forward to their crawling in my bed around 3 am and waking up to them snuggled on either side of me.

Happy Living All!

Project 365: Day 72 - 100 Things About Me......

So I saw this post from another blogger a while back and thought it would be a neat thing to work on. Can I come up with 100 details about myself??? Let's see:

1. I like beer. (First thing to come to mind 'cause I'm drinking one right now)

2. I have imaginary conversations with people often.

3. I have imaginary conversations with myself even more.

4. I think this might be because of the beer. (note to self - don't drink and type)

5. I live in Atlanta.

6. Well, I live in a suburb of Atlanta (but doesn't everybody?)

7. I prefer the mountains over the beach.

8. I have a low tolerance to heat.

9. Hence number 7.

10. I have twin boys.

11. My grandmother has twins boys.

12. Apparently that is hereditary.

13. I am currently separated.

14. My soon-to-be-ex and I are still very good friends.

15. I always feel the need to follow #13's statement with #14. ????

16. I have competed in two sprint triathlons.

17. I believe that "competed" is such a strong word.

18. I have completed two sprint triathlons.

19. I enjoy running very much.

20. I hated running when I was younger.

21. I have completed one marathon.

22. Sometimes when I'm walking down a long hallway, I have the sudden urge to do a cartwheel.

23. I'm not very good at cartwheels.

24. I like tattoos.

25. I have a few myself.

26. I'm not a big drinker, but I really craved beer when I was pregnant. Weird, I know.

27. I can't drink red wine.

28. The smell of vinegar makes my gag reflex go insane.

29. I'm relatively patient and overly optimistic about life.

30. I try to see problems from all sides.

31. I like to think that is what has helped me have a good relationship with my STBE.

32. Of course, I still get pissed sometimes, b/c I KNOW I'm right!

33. I am very impulsive.

34. I cut my own hair.

35. I have very curly hair, so now one knows the difference if I make a mistake.

36. I color my own hair, too. See? Impulsive. When I want something, I want it right then, before the moment passes.

37. I have a terrible memory.

38. Maybe that's why I'm so impulsive. I better do it right then or else I'll forget that I wanted it in the first place.

39. Because of my awful memory, I try to write down every time my boys say something really funny.

40. I think "Mama, my butt is all out of air" is my favorite one of all!

41. My parents were divorced when I was about two or three.

42. I was raised by my father and a wonderful step-mother (but don't tell her I called her that....)

43. There are only about 5 baby pictures of me.

44. I have literally thousands of pictures of my boys and they are only four.

45. They might be traumatized about that when they get older.

46. I have two brothers and one sister.

47. I am a co-middle child, but i have no complex about it whatsoever.

48. My youngest brother always got away with murder. (I know that's not about me, but still....)

49. I am very close to my siblings and my parents.

50. They all drive me crazy.

51. Wow, I just passed 50 and I'm exhausted. What......that's a fact, so it counts.....

52. I'm still not used to going days without my boys.

53. After having my boys alone for four days, I'm ready for a little break.

54. Yes, I can have my cake and eat it too.

55. I'm on day 72 of my project.

56. I love this project, because it forces me to journal my life in a way that I wouldn't have done so before.

57. This project is hard because it forces me to come up with material every single day.

58. I don't think my life is very interesting.

59. But it is very full (thank you boys).

60. I'm a nail biter.

61. Quitting smoking does not help curb the nail biting.

62. Smoking is grosser than nail biting.

63. I started smoking because my boyfriend smoked.

64. That was pretty stupid of me.

65. I quit smoking because my mom quit.

66. That was pretty smart of me.

67. I also quit smoking for the most obvious and important reason, my boys.

68. I love watching my boys engage in deep conversations with one another.

69. I also love when they engage in deep conversation with me.

70. I always wanted boys.

71. I never thought I could handle a teenage me.

72. I have been in the same profession for 14 years.

73. Growing up, I wanted to be a writer or Stevie Nicks.

74. I get the most compliments on my blue eyes.

75. I'm legally blind in one of them.

76. It would take a whole post to explain why.

77. I'm a very just person.

78. I believe in rules and people following them.

79. I have a degree in sociology.

80. I majored in human services and minored in criminal justice.

81. I work for a law firm. (seems fitting)

82. I can't type without looking at the keyboard.

83. But I can type very fast.

84. I love being a couch potato sometimes.

85. But I don't like laziness.

86. I hate scary movies. Really hate them.

87. I love British romantic comedies.

88. I love period films even more.

89. The last film I saw at the movies was Eat, Pray, Love.

90. Not as good as the book.

91. This year I've read four books.

92. That is a record for me.

93. I'm trying to teach my boys the joy that comes from reading.

94. Kind of hard when I just figured it out myself.

95. I want my boys to always feel secure.

96. I know that will always be hard because they shuffle between their parents.

97. Being a single parent is the hardest things I've ever done.

98. Being a happy single parent makes me proud.

99. I hope that my boys are proud of their mama.

100. I like to think they are.

72 of 365: Just a shot I like....

Good Night All!

Saturday Nights.............

Nights like tonight are what I dread all week long. It's like the air being let out of my balloon. No, it's like my teeth being punched out of my mouth. I see them flying across the room and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, but watch them land on the other side and hope they can be somewhat repaired like new. I'm talking about my child crying in the back seat of daddy's car when he comes to pick them up. I've had them for "my share" of the time and now it's daddy's turn. I know I agreed to this custody arrangement, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I know that it is better for the boys in the long run, but that doesn't mean it will make it easier. And I know that it is only fair to everyone, but that doesn't mean I still won't cry on Saturday nights. Every Saturday night.

Ugh! I have got to get a life!!!!!! One that doesn't result in me drowning my sorrows in Amstel Light every single Saturday...................... alone. If I were enjoying this Amstel Light with a great girlfriend in some cool bar, staring at some hot guy, that would be much much better. Well, enjoying the beer WITH the hot guy would be much much better. But right now I would settle for any warm blooded human being. Anyone that prevents me from literally saying "cheers" to the computer screen would be awesome!

But I digress. I know that this is one of the many steps I must endure before my life makes that miraculous turn around some blind-sided corner and my eyes are opened to a world of possibilities. And part of me actually believes that fairy tale bullshit. Because if I don't let some part of me believe in it, then, really.....what is this all for? I could have just endured many more years in a loveless marriage, being "friends" with my husband, and never being truly loved again. OOOOOORRRRRRRRR, I can dig down inside of me, pull out as much courage as I can find among the blood and gore and such, step off the plank and dive deep into an ocean of crap and tears and uncertainty (and beer) all in the name of finding those "possibilities" that damn fairy tale talks about in the first place.

So there. I said it........ I believe in fairy tales........... I believe in happy endings. But luckily for me, I am realistic about it. I know that it won't come today or tomorrow or even next week. I know that there are a great deal of obstacles I must face and trip over before I am able to quit stumbling and walk straight. I know that crying on Saturday nights might be the norm for a little while (unless one of my girlfriends would like to come rescue me sometime, I mean seriously.....) So until then, I will keep believing in the fairy tale and the happy ending that I know someday will be mine.

And I'm going to enjoy this beer.

Happy Living All!

A Writer's Workshop Kind of Day.........

So I have been reading Mama Kat (www.mamakatslosinit.com) for a while now. Love her! And she has these great writer’s workshops. Until today, I have never really taken part. But this week I was intrigued.

Given my current circumstances, I chose Prompt No. 1. “Write a letter to yourself from someone who has passed on. (ie: parent, grandparent, famous person, friend, pet, etc)” I chose my dear late mother in law.


Dear Raina,

I had hope in my heart, when I first met you, that you would fill a needed spot in my son’s life. And although I left him only two months after you two were married, I felt certain that you had succeeded. A man much like his father, my son was always tightly lipped about anything real or raw. But you saw in him something that could be penetrated. A quiet spirit with an endearing smile. He lit up around you and I saw his heart in a way that had been hidden from me, hidden from the world. Even after I was gone, I saw him secretly give into you. But still I knew the journey you had before you.

I was there when you tried to comfort him in my absence. I held your hand when you tried to hold his. I was there for the next six months as you lost loved ones in your own life. I held his hand as he tried to hold yours.

I rejoiced in the birth of my first grandchildren, twin boys that resembled my own sons so much. I watched as you hoped this creation would open my son’s eyes to you and let you in his heart just a little more. I watched as the disappointment grew when that didn’t happen.

I stood by you when you tried to understand what was happening. My son building his wall, the only thing he knew to protect himself. I know that you questioned what it was he was protecting himself from. I wanted so much to help you understand that this was something you would never be able to understand. This wasn’t your fault.

I watched as you struggled with your courage and hoped that the courage I had in my own life could be your inspiration. I put my arms around you as wept at the loss of your marriage. I embraced my son too. And I know that you braved every urge to give up long before now. I know that you tried very hard to hold onto something that just didn’t want to be held. I do not blame you. I am proud that you are still my son’s friend. I am proud that you found the courage to face the scary road of divorce and still remain my son’s friend. I am proud of you both.

Today I hold the hands of my grandchildren as they struggle to adjust to this new life. Today and for all their days ahead, I will stand by them and embrace them as they walk this life and stare down their own forks in the road.

I love you and miss you,
E

Happy Living All!

Enough is enough...........

How many pizzas is too many? I mean really, when you are staring single motherhood in the face and you now live in a home and town that is as foreign as to you China, how many IS too many? I honestly don’t think you can put a number on it. And the same goes for ice cream. As cliché as it may sound, eating ice cream straight out of the carton really does make a person feel better.

But after a month of this marathon pizza eating and ice cream hoarding, it might be time to say “enough is enough.” Although the frozen food industry might shed a slight tear at my absence….. or maybe not. Fortunately for them, there are countless numbers of individuals out there ready to sacrifice push-ups for pizzas all in the name of drowning out whatever drove them to the frozen food isle in the first place. Be strong my friends. This too shall pass.

So our first month of being on our own, my boys and I seem to be adjusting well (minus the pizza/ice cream habit). It is amazing how everything changes. Anything from bedtime routines to loading up the car in the mornings becomes a whole new process to learn. These are things you don’t think about when you make the decision to finally move on and move out. I’ve talked about this before, but comfort just goes out the window.

When does that comfort level start to rise again? I don’t know. But I do know that I am sick and tired of going up and down the stairs because I can’t seem to make myself remember that the vacuum is not in the laundry room downstairs. Hell the laundry room isn’t even downstairs! But it will get better. I know it will. And if it doesn’t, at least I’m getting in a good workout. Gotta burn off those frozen food calories somehow.

So my boys come home tonight. I get so excited on Tuesdays because that is when they come home with mama. I spend the last four hours of the day at work trying to contain my excitement and hold back my urge to skip out early. Their father and I have worked out a pretty good schedule, I think. I didn’t believe in the whole “mom gets physical custody and dad gets to see the kids every other weekend, plus Tuesday nights” arrangement. It just didn’t seem fair to me. Their dad is a great father and he loves his kids. Why should he be deprived of seeing them as often as possible? We didn’t want to rely on a court order to explain when we got to see our kids. We were civil, are civil. And we’re friends. We deserve equal parts of our children, as do our children deserve equal parts of us.

Of course, the down side of this is that since he gets the kids three nights a week, that is three nights a week that I am shoulder deep in my freezer.

So back to happy thoughts. I get my babies back tonight!!! Can’t wait to show them their new Scooby Doo coloring books. Oh! It is 2:30 and I need to start thinking about what we are having for dinner……………….The boys love pizza.

Happy Living All!!!