The next step.....

So, in my journey towards single-motherhood, many decisions have to be made. And one thing that people have a hard time understanding is that I am involving the STBE in most of them. It is important to me that we maintain civility during a trying time for both of us. It is amazing to me that people expect there to be so much anger and hostility and negativity. As you most of you know, negativity is not part of my make-up.

But it is easier for people to accept the idea of "being mad" rather than "being happy." We both want to be happy and it is not possible to accomplish that with anger. So we do what we need to do to make it a positive environment for our children. This is going to affect them regardless. Why influence that affect with anything less than "positive" images in a sad situation. Therefore, he has been a part of this "new home" decision. He joined me and my agent when we went to look at it. He helped me weigh options regarding one place over another. And ultimately, he will move to the general area to be close to his children. And I want him close to his children. He deserves to be as big a part of their lives as I do.

So we are now at the point of my moving out. I found a house, which I am truly excited about. Gut-wrenchingly scared to death about, but excited none the less. Fear will be a natural re-occurrence during this most significant transition. But I will conquer it like anything else. One day at a time.

Many people in my life have mixed emotions about this move and I don't blame them. They, too, are scared for me. But if they know anything about me, they know I will look this challenge in the face with an arrogant stance and flip it the bird.

Happy Living All!

Quick answer to a loaded question.......

My precious four year old asked me a loaded question last night…..

“You happy, mama?”

Wow, so young, yet so profound.

“Yes, I am happy Peanut. You make me very happy.”

If I were to sit down and create a list of the things that make me truly happy, I’m certain the list would consist of 99% Peanut and Big E. Those boys are my saviors in so many ways. Sure, my life would probably have been content had I not been blessed with their presence, but content is not my idea of a good life. I would trade a hundred content years for one happy day with my boys.

Happy Living all!

How much love.............

Once again, today brings with it another article I must share. If you belong to the “single mom who gets her news by the front page of MSN.com” club, or if you got your copy of the November 2009 issue of O Magazine, then you already know which article I’m talking about.

Susan Klebold, after 10 agonizing years, breaks her silence about the unthinkable acts committed by her son at Columbine. Even now, as I’m typing and replaying passages from her essay through my mind, I’m overcome with emotion. Is it my attempt to relate to a woman I’ve never met whose pain is something I hope to never endure? Is it the overwhelming urge to squeeze both my boys as tight as I can at this very moment? It is a fear that no matter what kind of mother I am and no matter how much I love my boys, that sometimes things will just happen that are out of my control? I believe it is a combination of all of those.

We, as good parents, spend so much time making sure that our children know that they are loved more than they could possibly imagine. We would squeeze 36 hours into a 24 hour day if it meant we could show them more love. We would throw ourselves in front of God knows what if it would protect them. But how do you cope with the fact that you have done all of these things only to suffer a Columbine-like consequence?

And how is it that sometimes children of unloving and disregarding parents seem to walk away unscathed by depression or anxiety or thoughts of violence? How come a mother, whose love cannot be measured in arm’s length because there are no arms in the world long enough to stretch across this vast universe of ours, be made to bear a burden so unimaginable? And how come a mother, whose first priority lies not in the well-being of her child, but rather a host of other non-child related materials, deliver to the world a relatively well-adjusted human being? Have we lost sight of the fundamentals in child-rearing that video games and reality television are new age nannies freeing us from our ultimate responsibility as parents? Or did we ever have control of our children to begin with? Does it matter if a parent shows great love or great disregard? Do we just throw up our hands and say “to hell with it! They are going to be who they are going to be, regardless of what I do.”

I don’t know the answer to any of these? All I know is that there is a woman in Colorado that will spend the rest of her life knowing that she loved her son with every fiber of her being and something terrible happened. Sometimes bad things just happen.

Keep loving your children with every fiber of your being. That is all we can do.

Happy Living all! And stay strong, Susan Klebold. You are not to blame.


http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200911-omag-susan-klebold-columbine

Bare it all, at any size.........

Has it really been two whole months???!!! Sorry loyal reader. =) (note the singular of that).

I could go on and on about why I haven't posted in two months. I could give you the play by play of 60 days of crap, anxiety, laughter, fear, indecisiveness, and down right mental throw up, but I will spare you that joyous experience, although I know that you were so looking forward to it.

Instead, I will write about something that got me really excited and proud today! To preface, I don't get to watch much television in real time. Most of my days consist of walking behind a four year old picking all of the 18 sets of clothes he has changed into that day, or explaining everything to my other four year old including explaining that the googly eyes on top of that stack of dough is the money he could have been saving had he switched to Geico, only to realize he doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, or watching the two of them engage in an all out battle of web slinging, or spending two hours trying to get them to take a nap only to finally give up thinking "screw it - at least this means they will go to bed early", and then they STILL stay up until 11. Ugh! But boy how I love it.

So my point??? My point is that I do not have much time for television in real time (thank you TIVO from the bottom of my heart.) And since I am unable to watch guilty pleasures or down right damn good television as they are happening, that also means that I am unable to catch up on the news. My only method of knowing what's going on in the world is the home page of MSN.com.

**Note to the media - if you want the average working mom to be kept abreast of worldly happenings, be sure to include in the top one half of your home page. That's the only way most of don't look stupid at the office water cooler.**

Anyway, back to my point. On today's home page was this great article about a plus sized model, Lizzi Miller, and her "bare it all" photo shoot with Glamour magazine. Now here is a gorgeous woman with an amazing smile and gorgeous face and a stature I would kill for of 5 foot 11 inches. And on the flip side of that, here is a woman that if she described herself on a dating site, without a photo, would loose the interest of several possible suitors as soon as she mentioned her 180 pounds. And on the most impressive side of it all, here is a woman that is so happy with who she is in the September issue of Glamour magazine, she strips down to her skivvies and sheds light on what most of us look like. I love you Lizzi Miller. I love you for showing the world that gain is gorgeous and that confidence and happiness do not have to be measured in the mirror. I love for making me smile when I look in my own mirror. I love you for having that pooch of yours spill over your bikini, as mine spills with the same lack of regard. I love you for making me think about this.

For years, I have struggled with my "baby pooch." Four years to be exact. It has taunted me and laughed at me with every bathing suit I anguishingly tried on. It pointed its finger at me with it's "na na na na na na" smirk as if to know it was here to stay no matter how many miles I ran or how many sit ups I endured.

Thank you, Lizzi, for showing me (and many others) that beauty is a part of the whole, big or small. So "na na na na na na" to you baby pooch! I will fight you no longer. I win this time.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32538061/ns/today-today_fashion_and_beauty/

Happy Living all!

I'm in love with........

Have you ever been in love with the idea of being in love but didn't love the thought of searching for it? I often wonder if I have the energy to put towards the whole idea of "love" and "relationship." Currently, every ounce of love I own is placed in the hearts of my kids. But I do so miss the idea of being in love. I miss it, yet at the same time I'm not sure if I look forward to it. How can someone who views love as a beautiful addition to life think like this?

Fear.

A word that is as difficult to type as it is to speak out loud. I don't fear not finding it. I don't fear finding it and it not being reciprocated. What I fear is finding it and losing it and being able to explain to my children that that is OK. I don't think that we are destined to find only one true love in our lifetime. If that happens for us, then that is a bonus that life has graciously thrown our way. But if that is not the case, if we are to encounter many people with whom love is possible, then life has given us a tapestry in which to live. I sometimes like the idea of the tapestry more than the hope of that one true love. It gives me a silver-lining around the fact that my marriage did not last. I kid,..... kinda. But the tapestry is beautiful, full of experience, full of color, full of unexpected gifts. The love between my husband and myself didn't live as long as we did and I'm OK with that. I just hope that my children can understand that even though my experiences may not be ideal in someone else's eyes, I am happy.

But seriously, what do I know about love anyway? Our current modern world of “serial relationships” throws us into affairs in which we entertain installments of love. And are those chapters merely our method of obtaining interval love for which that is all we crave or are they our foundation for the goal we ultimately desire? A means to an end so to speak. Do we circle the globe sifting through these chapters to create an unedited version of our love or do we get swept up by that one true love and live the rest of our lives knowing that the journey around the world is not necessary? However love finds you, whether in a single instant or through color-filled chapters, you get to enjoy the single most amazing experience that life was created for. Love. And anyone that doesn’t appreciate life’s purpose through love, well, I would have to declare that I am very sad for them.

I will say this, I am in love with the idea of falling in love again. It excites me and scares me and creates anxiety that I thrive off of. But I'm more in love with two pint-sized men that don't need me to prove anything to them. My chapters will always begin and end here.

Happy Living All!

Thankful Thursday........

Thursday again and my favorite posting topic. With all the chaos that makes up our daily lives and all the bad events that make up our society, I love taking the time to reflect and recite the things I am thankful for in my life. Here are today’s five items:

1. I am overwhelming thankful for my light-up-my-life boys!

2. I am thankful for the fact that my STBE and I have finally completed all of our “D” paperwork! I kept putting it off, not because I was hoping for reconciliation, but because there were just SO many papers and it felt kinda like homework.

3. I am extremely excited about looking for my own place. It is going to be hard doing the “mommy” thing alone, b/c having both parents in the household rocks! But at the same time, I feel like I will be gaining my independence again and that is little exciting.

4. I am thankful that my STBE is actually helping me look for a place. He really wanted me and the boys to be able to stay in our current house, but I can’t afford it on my own. So he will keep the house and take over the payments. I know what you’re thinking…. “Stupid girl! You keep the house and make him help you pay for it!” I understand your thinking. Really, I get it. But I’m trying to make this less stressful. And honestly, I’m really looking forward to a new place. Change is Good!!!

5. And finally, I am thankful that my boys are fully potty trained!!!! (I will be honest, we do have the rare occasional accident) But cleaning up poopy diapers is a thing of the past!! Yay!!! Way to go my sweet boys! I mean my B-I-G boys!!!!! Mama loves you!

Happy Living All! =)

Tip-Toeing Topic..............

So I have this topic that I really want to touch on, but have been a bit skeptical about doing so. I know that many people close to me read my blog and even my STBE may possibly read it, but he would never tell me. Although I find it highly unlikely that he is. He never really took much interest in the things that interested me, so I'm sure he is not taking the time to read up on my daily rantings. He hears enough of those already. =)

So what is this thing I've tiptoed around writing about? Why love, of course. When you're going through a divorce, even one as uncommon as mine, you really start to take a look at what it is you really want out of life. And while I still care very much about the boys' father, I have found myself asking what it was that drew me to him in the first place and is it something that I would consider attractive in a new relationship? Or will it put me on guard against anyone who possesses those same traits? It is really hard to say.

The problems with my STBE and myself started probably 4 or 5 years ago. And after two years of trying to figure out what happened and mostly blaming myself, we hit a wall. And on the other side of that wall was silence. The silence turned into distance and before too long we were living our lives as room-mates, carrying on with the daily duties of raising children, taking care of a house, and making sure the finances were in good shape. But that was it. It is putting it too lightly to even say "the spark just disappeared." It was almost as if everything disappeared, everything between us that truly meant anything. Every meaningful conversation. Every happy memory. Every experience we shared over the past 13 years. Disappeared. I tried to find them. I tried to get him to help me find them. I tried to get him to simply be interested in looking for them. But no luck.

Why am I explaining all this? Because to say I have been lonely would not clasify where I have been for the past couple of years. I have been alone. Being alone in a marriage is much different than feeling lonely in one. Loneliness in a marriage is tough enough. I imagine a woman at home with the kids while her husband is too busy working or hanging with his buddies or focusing on his own "thing" to spend time with her. When I think of being alone, I see a woman who's husband checked out on the marriage and left her there by herself to survive. My STBE may be here physically, but he checked on me three years ago.

The only advantage for a person in a position like myself is that I have had my time to accept where we are in our relationship. And I have had time to think about how I want pursue love in the future. And yes, I DO plan on finding love again. Who knows when that will happen. All I know is that I'm not in a big hurry. And I can actually take my time finding someone who loves life the way that I do. Life is way too short not to enjoy it!

Happy Living All!

Thankful Thursday (well, Friday....)............

Oops! I missed posting this by one day. Oh well, its all the same. =) Doesn't matter if it's Thursday or Friday. I'm still very thankful for these things:


1. My rock collecting, flower picking, chatterbox, tongue tied, super energetic when it’s something they want to do, super lazy when it’s something they don’t, thought provoking, laughter inducing, spider fearing, worm loving, sibling blaming, bike riding, bird watching, couch potatoes…….also known as my two precious boys.

2. The fact that I got to see my nephews and niece last night, whom I haven’t seen in a year and a half. Oh how I missed them! It was wonderful. I love you Cameron, Olivia and Graham!!!

3. My boys’ school. They have a wonderful director, wonderful teachers, and wonderful learning activities for the boys. I love it! They love it! What more could you ask?!

4. My job. I have been at the same firm for 13 years and I still love being here. I have a great boss I’m thankful for. The attorney I work directly under is awesome! And I truly like what I do. Again, what more could you ask?!

5. My ever changing outlook on life. I’m constantly striving to make positive changes in my life and I am succeeding more and more each day. Although I still have a long road ahead of me and my boys with this whole divorce thing, I’m taking it one day at a time and learning that the more I stay positive about everything, the happier I am.

Happy Living All!

Monday Confessional......

Ok my bloggin' peeps...... time for confession. Just exactly how much of my weekend wish list did I actually do?????

* Run at least 6 miles each day. YES!!! Felt great AND had an excuse for my afternoon nap!
* Accompany my dear, dear friend while she gets her 1st tattoo. YES!!! I couldn't believe it, her inking time was 10 minutes. What??? Mine took an hour to ink. Ouch!
* Update my IPod with new music! YES!! Love me some new Silversun Pickups!
* Play with Photoshop. This one is a luke-warm kinda. I'm going to buy a book this week.
* Get boys’ winter clothes ready to consign. Negative. :(
* Gather items for the Kidney Fund to come pick up. Negative :(
* Finish reading two books I have started. Double negative. :( I'm pretty sure this doesn't make a positive.
* Get my bathroom floor looking like new! (this is hands and knees scrubbing my friends) OMG! Yes!!! Back breaking! But very shiny. :)
* Plant flowers in front yard. Negative :(
* Get Divorce Papers Signed!!!!!!!!! I'm most disappointed about this one. He started looking at them, but got distracted before finishing. I'm giving him a pass on the distraction ONLY b/c it is Tour de France month.

So there you have it. I completed some of it along with some much needed relaxing. My boys had a great time at their Mimi's and I had a good weekend. All in all I cannot complain.

Happy Living All!

The Weekend Wish List..........

So once again my superlicious mother has asked to take the boys for the weekend. I get excited about having a couple of days to myself (although, by day two I am missing my boys something awful) and I think about all the things I want to work on that I have been putting off for so long.

Like Photoshop! I have it on my Mac, but I have no clue how to use it and I really just want to take some time to play around with it. And then there’s Tivo! I probably have two weeks worth of stuff that dates back 6 months that I would love to get caught up on. And the yard! My front yard looks like a scorched peach. What fuzz of grass is left really needs to be replaced by something a bit more aesthetically pleasing. And of course, the never ending job of organizing and cleaning. With two three year olds constantly making messes, leaving half eaten lunches under the chaise lounge, hiding favorite toys in places I’ve never seen before, it can get exhausting. Not to mention the growing!!! I have tubs, and I mean TUBS of clothes that they have outgrown. It is a constant rotating marry-go-round of clothes. Can we say “THANK HEAVENS FOR CONSIGNMENT SHOPS!!!!”

So, what to do this fine weekend……???? I have an idea. Why don’t I make a list of all the things I would LIKE to work on, tackle, finish, complete, get started (oh who am I kidding….just think about) in addition to the things I already have planned. And then on Monday I will tell you which ones I can mark off the list.

* Run at least 6 miles each day.
* Accompany my dear, dear friend while she gets her 1st tattoo.
* Update my IPod with new music!
* Play with Photoshop.
* Get boys’ winter clothes ready to consign.
* Gather items for the Kidney Fund to come pick up.
* Finish reading two books I have started.
* Get my bathroom floor looking like new! (this is hands and knees scrubbing my friends)
* Plant flowers in front yard, and finally (but most importantly)
* Get Divorce Papers Signed!!!!!!!!!

So that list doesn’t sound too bad. The trick is going to be actually doing it. It sure is a helluva lot easier to think the list than to do the list. I guess it really isn't the thought that counts, is it...... Dang!!! Well, I do have a tendency to take advantage of a day off (from kids) by sleeping really late, taking two hours to drink my coffee, playing around on Face Book for far too long, drifting back off to sleep for an afternoon nap, and then getting dressed so late in the afternoon that all I have an excuse to do by that time is hit the nearest Target. So wish me luck people!

Happy Living All!

P.S. If I could ask a huge favor, please say a prayer for my cousin who was in a terrible car wreck on Wednesday. She is 20 years old and currently in a coma. She is still not out of the woods yet. Thank you.

One Step Closer and Clearer......

Has it really been almost a month since my last post???!!! My god! I'm sorry about that. Time flies when you're.......... Well, anyway.

So it appears that I may need to make a few things clearer about my life situation. It was brought to my attention that I may be confusing some of my readers as to what my marital intentions are. (It's ok mama, you're absolutely right) As you know, I am going through a divorce and it IS amicable. Hard to believe, I know, but it is absolutely true. We really ARE friends. Don't get me wrong. I do have my moments of "What the hell is wrong with you? How can you let him off so easy? Where is your brain? Where did this huge ass come from?" And the answer to each question comes all the way back to my children (even the one about my ass...........well, especially the one about my ass.)

I know that a few of my Thankful Thursdays posts have included references to how happy I am that my STBE and I get along so well. Not in any form or fashion does that mean I am thinking about or even willing to try and work things out with him. I just have to make a choice as to how I am going to handle divorce and at the same time create as much of a loving and positive environment as I can for my children.

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, "How do you do it?" And the answer is quite simple. I look at my boys and I imagine their lives years down the line. What kind of impact will I make on them if this process turns ugly? What does it say to them if I hate the man who helped create them? What does that say about them? I do not hate my STBE, nor could I ever see myself going there. And I certainly do not regret the 13 years we have had together. I'm not going to lie and say everything has always been this easy. It hasn't by any means. I guess the single largest word I can use that has helped me get to where I am in this is ....................... wait for it .............................. wait ..............................



P.A.T.I.E.N.C.E.


Once I gave myself time to get through the pain of rejection, time to get through the mourning of a failed marriage, and time to get through the anger that seemed to come so easily, I was able to ask myself, "Ok, so what next?" I had a choice to make and my decision came easier than the anger. Because, believe it or not, emotionally we are more welcoming of relief than we are of anger. It is just a matter of finding your own emotional strength.

So, now that we are clearer, let's talk about being closer. And by closer, I mean that I am one step closer to being what I've talked about for the past several months..... a single mom. This week, I have finished almost all of the paperwork. All he has to do now it review it over, help me word a few things, sign and viola! They will be filed! I have been emotionally single for quite some now, but boy will it feel good to finally be single in the eyes of the law and a higher being.

Happy Living All!

Time Flies When You're .........huh?

Wow! Has a week gone by already? Thursdays are my favorite posts anyway. I need to have one whole week of Thursdays and that way you can see into my "happy" world. Sounds crazy coming from someone going through what I'm going through, right? My situation is not so bad and I remind myself of that everyday. So while I may be experiencing the ugly "D" word, I do it with a smile on my face because life is too short. Here are some of the things that help me stay this way:

1. I am thankful to have the coolest three year olds in the world.

2. I am thankful for the friendship I have with the man that helped me make the coolest three year olds in the world. Since we are bound together for life, we might as well make the best of it.

3. I am thankful for opening my eyes and realizing that just because we are parents to the same children doesn't mean we have to pretend to be "husband and wife" anymore, "mommy and daddy" will do just fine.

4. I am thankful for my parents who have graciously taken my super cool three year olds for the next two nights. What to do! What to do!

5. I am thankful for the new friends I have made through this separation process. They are super fabulous! And we have a great weekend planned!!!!

Happy Living All!

Thankful Thursday.....

Thursday is here again and it is never too difficult for me to think of 5 things I’m thankful for. I usually have plenty more than that, but for the sake of my uber-busy readers, as a rule, I like to keep my posts short, sweet, and to the point. If you are like me, then you have many bloggers you like to stay up to date with. If I’m in a real hurry, I sometimes have to skip over the posts that are more than a few paragraphs long. But don’t worry, I always go back and get caught up when time allows.

So here’s my list…. Big in my heart….. But short on paper:

1. Thankful for my boys more and more everyday!!!

2. Thankful that I get to see the joy in my sweet sister’s eyes when she sees New Kids on the Block walk out on stage tonight.

3. Thankful that I’m not so jaded that I am happy to take her to see them.

4. Thankful that I reached 28 miles of running so far this week, with more to come.

5. Thankful that I have a good job, a nice roof over my head, my health, the health of my STBE and of course, the health of my boys.

Happy Living All!

The Good, the Bad, and the Mediocre.....

So the good news is that I HAVE actually been running lately.  I took a long hiatus from March until last month.  But yes, Mel, I am back to running.  And I've registered for the Atlanta Half Marathon on Thanksgiving Day.  I know that sounds like a long way away, but really, I only have about four months to get in better  shape.  So far, I've run about 28 miles this week.  Would have liked to run more, but the heat got in the way.  Although my psychotic mission does have me running at the hottest part of the day, when the thermostat is reading 93.  Either I've completely lost my mind or I have some deep rooted love of pain.   Either way, I'm sweatin' my way around the golf course at least 4 days a week.  That should get me some where, right?

Now for the bad........, well......... I can't really think of anything bad.  The home situation is the same.  I passed bad a loooooong time ago.  Now it is just blah and blah.  It is frustrating not feeling like I have "my" life, but things could be much, much worse.  I take stock of my surroundings and I am thankful that we are not at war.  I know that it could turn so easily.  But I work very hard at keeping the peace.  Because peace for my children is much more important than any argument I want to win.  Don't get me wrong.....  I sometimes would love nothing more than to scream my head off, pack everything up, kids included and just leave.  But who does that benefit?  What point does it prove?  I think I teach my children more by showing patience, compassion, and the ability to swallow my pride when faced with a tough decision.  It is not being a pushover.  It is taking control of what I have control over, my reactions.

Ok, so now for the mediocre.......  I think I actually addresses that already, ha!  

I guess something I should have a bit more enthusiasm about but am feeling less than cheery is the fact that I get to take my sister to see New Kids on the Block tomorrow night.  Yippee!  She's probably reading this and is very disappointed that I do not share her overwhelming excitement.  I am excited, though, but not about the actual concert itself.  I am truly excited about seeing her joy.  It makes me smile.

Happy Living All!!

Thankful Thursdays.....

So here we are, Thursday again and my time to reflect on the things that make me smile.......Oh, where to begin:

1. I believe that my boys will always have to be number 1 on this list! No doubt about it!

2. Looking ahead to my future, as uncertain as it may be right now. There is a bit of excitement in knowing that I don't know what is to come.

3. Loving my new ink.

4. I am truly thankful for the wonderful friends that have imbedded themselves into my heart. I would not be sane without them!

5. I am thankful for the ability to see light through clouds.

Happy Living all!

Mixed Reviews.........

So I seem to be giving myself mixed reviews of how well I’m handling everything. Most of my friends have looked at me and said things like “Wow! You are managing all this so well,” or “You’re doing a great job keeping everything together,” or “You don’t seem stressed at all.” What???!! Did I not just ink myself down my entire right side of my body??! Oh, I guess I forgot to mention to you dear readers (or reader-the plural sense may be stretching it a little), my tattoo of last week is not one of those dainty little markings of an amateur. No sir! Well, I exaggerate a little. It is not down the entire side of my body. But it does consist of 13 stars in various sizes that pan out about a foot and a half. It is funny to see the shocked look on people’s faces (especially my most innocent of friends) when they realize this was not just a quick run to the tattoo parlor to get something out of my system. This was something I had to really think about long and hard before permanently marking up such a large section of myself.

I am very happy with following through with something I have wanted to do for a long time. So much so, that I’m ready to do it again. It is true – they really ARE addicting. Maybe I’ll try to spread this like I try to spread optimism, become a pusher of ink. After all, it is a good high once the pain is done. But I guess that goes for pretty much any painful experience in our lives. Once you break through the sharp sting of it all, the euphoria is your reward for having to endure the sharp sting in the first place.

So…..am I handling it well, you ask? I think so. I’m happy. A little frustrated with the living situation, but all in all pretty happy. I have my health. I have my renewed outlook on life. I have my returned ability to step in any direction I choose. And most importantly, I have my boys. They are my sun, my stars, my day and night. They are my breathe and heartbeat, my blood rushing through my veins. They are my dreams, my beautiful reality.

Happy Living All!

P.S. What does my tattoo mean to me??? The stars don’t always have to align perfectly to live a happy life.

Mama Got a New Tattoo.......

So, do you ever feel like you're simply losin' it? Or maybe you just feel like you've been bottled up for so long that you need to bust out? Or you're just losin' it..?.... Either way, you get this feeling that something has just got to give, a change needs to take place and it needs to happen now. I think that is where I am in this whole process. I'm ready to get out of my house and into my own place with my boys. I'm ready for a change of scenery. I often fear that my impulsive behavior will cause me to make a decision that is not well considered. I know that my STBE is looking at me and fearing the same thing.

Take last night, for instance. Mama DID get a new tattoo. And while the STBE thinks that my decision to do this was rash and spontaneous, it is actually something that I have considered for about 5 years. My only hesitation in going through with it was because of him and his disapproval. I got one about 12 years ago and he wasn't too thrilled, but we had just started dating and I was still ME. I liked to go out dancing and drinking with my friends. I loved tattoos and piercings. I did crazy things with my hair. And I was even a full-blown smoker at the time. But once he and I got serious, all that changed. I changed. And it wasn't until about 6 or so months ago that I realized it. How crazy is that?????

I've spent the past 12 years of my life living the way some one else preferred. I guess we all do it to an extent and I'm certainly not saying that I regret anything I've done over the past 12 years. All I'm saying is that it is funny how you can wake up, look in the mirror and wonder who in the hell is staring back at you. I've loved my life and I honestly believe that because of altering pieces of me over the years, I have made myself a better person, a better mother, a better friend. But at the same time, I'm ready to get back to some of the things that make me me - minus the "full blown smoker" thing, of course. :)

Happy Living All!

I'm Mental Trash and Unsuited for Limbo.......

Do you ever have full on conversations with yourself in your mind? OMG, I do it all the time. Especially lately, with all the crazy changes going on in my life. No, I'm not hearing voices, at least I hope I'm not. I just create this exchange of dialogue in my mind on certain situations, most of them fictitious. I think of it as preparing myself for what my reactions may be should I encounter such situations. Crap! My mind is trashed. First off, I am pondering going back to my parents. The STBE and I have reluctantly decided not to put the house on the market at this time. It is a big ole suck factor, but in the interest of retaining what little equity we have left and in the hopes of gaining more in the future, we made the decision to wait.

So now this puts my living status in turmoil once again. If you recall, I moved back into the house for the sole purpose of getting it ready to sell. Now that that has been put on the back-burner, I am faced with the question, "Do I stay or do I go?" I would seriously love to be able to keep my feet planted some where, but at the same time, I hate looking in the face of a failed marriage everyday. I'm not saying that I hate looking at my STBE, I just hate feeling like, once again, I am in limbo. I do not do well in limbo. I'm not a good "standing still" kinda person. It is a feeling slightly less than suffocation for me. And while his complacency annoys me, I'm quite sure my whimsy annoys him. I have a free spirit that only another free spirit can love, I suppose. It is funny how people so opposite from each other that co-existed so well together at one point in their lives, can be so clashing now. Well, time to move one. One more foot in front of the other.

On the flip side, I'm looking forward to a great weekend with some dear friends. My new found pseudo-singleness has allowed me to connect with some great new friends and re-connect with some very, very special old friends. I was worried at the onset of this separation that I would find myself alone more times than not. But it has been the contrary. My friends, single and married, have really rallied around me. I have my own support bubble, so to speak. And on the pseudo-dating front, well, we won't discuss that right now........

Oh! And guess what?! I finally ran 5 miles! Yay me!

Happy Living All!

Reflections, Carnivals and Mother's Day.......

Lately, I have found myself reading more blogs than writing in my own. The idiosyncrasies of other people’s lives is becoming more interesting to me and sometimes leaves me little inspiration to write about my own. Yet, while I admire the musings of my fellow bloggers, I ponder the thought of what other bloggers even think of me. I know that probably few people read my entries and that I write mainly for my own amusement. But I will not let that deter me from broadening my own horizons as a writer. I started this for several reasons: as an outlet for myself, as mediocre inspiration to those that may be going through what I’m going through, as a written chronicle of the constant entertainment my children obliviously provide. I hope others find it engaging, but if not, I will not be dissuaded from continuing on. If anything, I have provided my children with a means for re-living the chaos I so enjoy experiencing. After all, this is my journal, my diary if you will, for I have never been much for journaling the traditional way.

So on to my next rambling thought for today. Is it just me or are those parking lot carnivals truly some sort of demented nightmare come to life experiences? I actually get the chills when I see one. I don’t have a full on phobia about parking lot carnivals, I just can’t get the image of a ride-gone-bad out of my head. I graphically imagine one of those multi-seated spinning things coming unhooked and soaring through the air, feet dangling. Ugh. And bless her sweet precious heart, my baby sister wanted me to load my three year old boys up and take them for a fun-filled afternoon to experience the very things that make me cringe. Fortunately, I was able to let her down with a delicate ease, by claiming “Over my dead body.” She took it well, I think……

And finally, I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I spent my day child-less and it was great, which in and of itself seems oxy-moronic. But none the less, I had a wonderful day. Spent it with MY mom and my baby sister. We went to lunch, did a little shopping and took in a movie, “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” to be exact. It was cute, not great by any means, but cute. I wasn’t in the mood to see “Obsessed”, which is what my sister wanted to see. I had to explain to her that I am on good terms with my STBE (soon to be ex). I don’t need to watch some dark movie about crazy things and crazy people that cause marital problems. So the sappy, romantic comedy it was.

All in all, it was a great day!

Take care and Happy Living All!

Thankful Thursdays......

I think I'm going to start my own little tradition called "Thankful Thursdays". I am thankful everyday for my boys, my health and many things in my life. But once a week, I would like to remind myself of the things that made me especially thankful that week. This week, I want to focus on some of the funny things my boys have said. They never seem to amaze me with their honesty and their innocence, but their wit just provides endless sources of laughter for me. Here are this week's examples:

1. We’re all sitting and playing in the living room and Peanut lets one rip. I looked at him (trying not to laugh) and say “What was that?!” Without hesitation and pointing to his brother, he replied “Ethan did it.”

2. Joys of potty training – Daddy goes into the bathroom to pee and Big E follows him. When they emerge, Big E is proudly saying “Good job daddy. You’re a big boy now.”

3. The boys are planting flowers with their Mimi and Pawpaw. They are learning to place the flower in the ground, top it with soil and then water. Big E thinks it would be funny to throw dirt at Peanut. Peanut quickly announces “No Ethan! I not a flower!”

4. Peanut runs to me and jumps in my arms, places both hands on my face in such a sweet manner and just stares into my eyes. I gaze back and say “I love you.” He replies with, “I love toast”.

Please post your own funny moments with your kids. I love reading them!!

Happy Living All!

I'm Giving You the Finger.........

Over the past couple of years, I've been hit with a lot that should have made me go over the edge a long time ago.  I never have been a person prone to succumbing to stress.  I'm a "look it in the eye and give it the finger" kinda person.  There are too many people in the world that have to deal with far greater negatives than I do.  But, here lately, I have felt mentally defeated.  That is truly saying a lot for me.  I hate watching myself even type the word d-e-f-e-a-t.  It is not a word I am used to.  I try and cut myself some slack, though.  I mean I AM living with my soon to be ex (STBE), I'm ending a marriage that was 13 years in the making, I'm planning a lifestyle for my children that will ultimately have them living in limbo for the rest of their lives, or at least until they are 18.  

I ask myself everyday, am I making the right decision?  Am I doing the best thing for my boys?  Am I doing the best thing for myself and for my STBE?  I guess all the "what ifs" that are constantly running through my head have overwhelmed my already full brain.  And now I'm sick.  Like physically sick feeling.  Upset stomach, headache, muscle aches, etc. etc.  I knew it would catch up with me sooner or later.  

I even had to leave work early today.  I went home and crashed on the couch for about 6 hours.  After I was able to pull myself up and cook dinner, I sat on the back patio trying to figure out what would help me.  Now I know that my boss reads my blog so I risk telling you what my solution was.  I ran.  I got up.  I put on my sneakers.  I grabbed my IPod and I ran.  Only for 45 minutes, but I ran.  And let me tell you........... it worked!  For anyone that followed my previous blog, you know that I am a runner.  But with all my stress and moving and crap, crap, crap, I haven't run in over three weeks.  Tonight felt great.  I got my heart rate up and I broke a sweat.  It was exactly what I needed!

"Hey you!  D-E-F-E-A-T!  Over here!  I'm looking you in the eye and I'm giving you the finger!"

Happy Living All!

Catching Curve Balls.........

So, I had been living back at my parents’ house while the STBE and I made our separation arrangements and worked on getting the house ready to put on this lovely market. What a great time to try and sell your home! Well, the kiddies were on spring break a couple of weeks ago and I took a few days off work to stay home with them. I decided to stay at “my” home for those few days instead of my parents’. And as I walked from room to room, missing my privacy (don’t get me wrong – I’m truly grateful for everything they have done for us), missing “my” stuff, missing “my” space, I noticed that the house looked the same as it did three months ago, before I moved out. Nothing was different, but yet, everything should be.

It dawned on me……….. absolutely nothing is going to happen until I make it happen. Not a thing! I can’t be a squatter at my parents’ house forever. I’m 35 years old for god’s sake. I gotta take care of this! So, in one fell swoop, I was back at home…... with certain conditions to be met by the STBE, of course: we are “roommates” in every sense of the word, he has his room and I have mine, we truly work hard to get our house ready to sell, the “for sale” sign goes up immediately, and we continue maintaining our friendship so that our children will always know they have both their parents, a family. And he was totally cool with that.

Why am “I” having to do everything, you ask? Well, the STBE is very complacent. He is unbothered by too much, a routine guy, if you will. He was comfortable in that big house by himself, why would he want to make any strides to change that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy, but character flaws he has. As do we all, but his are getting in the way of us truly moving forward. So I had to put my foot down.

So far, it’s working out. We are getting along great. The boys always adjust pleasantly. I hope that will remain true throughout this whole crazy process.

So there you have it! I was thrown a curve ball. I zig’d, I zag’d, and I was able to catch it……………… this time. Keep giving me your best shot, life! I’m not afraid.

Happy Living All!

Random Picture challenge....

A fellow blogger "4 Little Men and Girly Twins" does this great Random Picture Challenge and it is a great way to go back through your old photos and reminisce.    I picked this photo because of the "action" aspect of it.  I love taking pictures of bubble blowing.  The bubbles make for great shots.  And my little men L-O-V-E bubble!  So here's my shot!  :)

I got some 'splainin' to do .........

So, I’ve been asked by a few people “Why Supernatural?” It is easy to understand where I came up with the optimist part. But Supernatural takes a little explaining, I guess.

When I was thinking about starting this new blog, I couldn’t use a name similar to my old blog, because it had nothing to do with what I wanted to share. I knew that there were many moms in my situation, faced with raising their children and no longer being married to the father or never having been married to the father in the first place. I knew that many moms faced tougher situations than myself. I watched as one of my best friends went through a very tough and emotional separation and divorce and it broke my heart for her. Unfortunately, her procedure was more common than not. Apparently it is a general rule that divorce be negative. I hate that rule.

So the idea of “friendly divorce” was an alien concept to some people. The term is in itself an oxymoron. Divorce has an automatic negative connotation. How in the world can you add the word “friendly” in front of it? But it is possible. It does not have to be such an alien perception. Regardless, it is and will remain an instant depressing notion that divorce can only be bad. My only hope is that more people can start to appreciate that they have more power than they realize to change “how” they get divorced.

So there you have it, Supernatural explained.

Happy Living All!


P.S. I just love this quote:

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. – Ellen Burstyn

Exhaustion Breeds Frustration.....

I find myself getting a little bit more frustrated than usual.  And it is not frustration over just big things either.  I'm getting irritated at the slightest of things.  If someone uses tone I don't like or one of my boys says "mama" one too many times or the STBE looks at me funny.  Usually those things just roll right off me.  But lately they have wreaked havoc with my fragility.  I may need to come back and address that word, fragility, later.  That is not a word commonly used in my vocabulary.  

So back to these little things.  I have tried to figure out what is making them so BIG to me and I finally turned on that little light bulb above my head.  I'M EXHAUSTED!!  And it's not just physical exhaustion either.  My brain feels like it is running a non-stop marathon and there is no end in sight.  Between working full-time, raising twins, trying to get a good work-out in here and there, maintaining my very important friendships, trying to get a house ready to sell, and making conscious efforts to keep a good relationship going between the SBTE and myself, I'm doing loop-d-loops in my head.  I'm barely able to keep some things straight.  (I just remembered that I never remembered to take the boys to the dentist yet, oops!!!!! Major oops!!!)

So I got a Blackberry for Christmas and that has truly helped me to keep a lot of things in order, like an upcoming wedding for a dear friend, the fact that we're out of toilet paper, a new idea for a blog entry, the all-important girls' trip in three weeks, and the forgotten dentist appointment.  Seriously, what did we do before Computers, e-mail, internet, cell phones and Blackberries???   What's funny is that I am of the generation that remembers going from one to the other without the confusion my parent's generation experienced or the privileged oblivion experienced by the generation of my much younger brother (by 12 years).  We typed on typewriters and dialed by rotary.  We kept up with appointments on a paper calendar.  And we looked up phone numbers in a big, fat, yellow book with paper that made our fingers feel all icky by the time we were done.  And then when technology presented itself to us, we transitioned easily....... and eagerly, I might add.

So now that I determined where my frustration was originating, I am able to cope with it a bit better.  The first thing I do????  Take a deep breath.  Come to think of it......... that usually helps.  And then there is no need for the second thing.

So take a deep breath everyone.  And Happy Living!  

Big E (formerly Burrito) and Peanut........

I’ve been following a fellow blogger, Bad MuthaBlogger (love her!), and she writes so beautifully about her little “Bunny”. It got me thinking…… I want to share the joyous story about my boys with you.

To begin with, twins were never a thought of possibility in my mind as I delicately encouraged my husband to start the act of baby-making. We were in a good place in our relationship, although his mother had passed away three years prior and the thought of her not being able to meet any grandchildren was still a difficult one. We endured long talks about getting started and finally said “yes!” in January of 2005. By March, we were pregnant! Wow! Didn’t see that one coming!

Six weeks into the pregnancy, the STBE was finally getting over his initial dazed and confused state. The doctor asked that we go in so that she could determine exactly how far along I was. There I was, lying on the table, (the STBE is still in shock over the “internal ultrasound”, haha), and the ultrasound tech gave us a look that I will never forget. Immediately, I was thinking all kinds of crazy things “What?! Does it have two heads? What is it?!” Laughingly she replied “Well, sort of, I see two babies.”

Ok. Of all the crazy thoughts that flew through my mind in less than two seconds, twins was NOT one of them. My only reaction was pure, uncontrollable laughter. It was as if someone pressed on my stomach and pushed out this cackle that I’ve never heard before. Yep! That was my reaction to the news I was having twins.

So fast forward through seven and a half months, many scares, and complete denial on the part of the STBE, and we were at birthday! We had joked for months that we would need to paint one toenail to be able to tell them apart. Although we knew they were fraternal, there was something about the word “twins” that makes you automatically think they are going to look just alike. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. Baby A came first. He was bigger at 5 lbs 9 oz, with a round face. Two minutes later, Baby B appeared. He was much smaller at 4 lbs 9 oz, with a narrow face and the true “old man” look. No painted toenails needed.

They both had to go to the NICU because of their prematurity and size. Because he weighed more and was eating well, we got to have Baby A in our room after one day. When they brought him to us, he was wrapped up so tightly in the blanket that he was automatically dubbed “Burrito”. Horrible nick-name for a newborn, I know, but it was just so fitting. Baby B, on the other hand, was still so small and not breathing or eating as well, that they kept him in the NICU for 5 days. We would visit him all day and sit and wonder in amazement at that tiny little being. He looked so frail, yet we knew he was strong. He instantly became known as Peanut.

Peanut stuck, but Burrito was re-named Big E, because after a while Burrito just seemed mean. So there you have it, Peanut and Big E, as I like to call them. You’ll definitely hear more about them as the three of us enter into this new world together.

Happy Living All!

The Emotional Divide......

It goes without saying that women are generally more emotional than men. We use our emotions to make most of our decisions. Men use logic and reality. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule on both sides, but the generality remains the same. Why am I saying all this?

I look back on all my decisions I’ve made over the past three years and I see that my emotions played a large part. But when it came to the important decision of finally moving out, I used logic and reality. The logic was simple. The soon-to-be Ex (STBE) doesn’t have much family here and no real options that were suitable for the boys. Therefore, it would be me that moved out. I needed to go somewhere that was move-in ready for my boys and the most logical solution was my parents. The boys already had their own room there, so it made sense.

The reality part of it was a bit tougher. Maybe not so much tough as it was long. You see, reality came from years of learning to accept what was happening. Since I had already traveled down that road, the reality just “hit” me.

I wasn’t emotional when I decided to move. I wasn’t emotional when I started packing. And I wasn’t even emotional when I was unloading all my belongings into the room I went through 2nd grade in. The STBE, on the other hand, was finally starting to experience some of the emotion I had been dealing with for three years. His black and white world was now blurred. And I knew that was something he was just going to have to tackle on his own.

There was beauty in the fact that I didn’t have to experience all the negative emotions that come when you leave the home you’ve shared with your spouse and children. It was more of a calm and sense of almost relief that a step had been taken. Forward progression was actually taking place, albeit moving back into the room I occupied almost 30 years ago (there is some actual humor in that if you think about it.) But it was forward progression none the less.

So back to the emotional divide…. Reactions come is all different shapes and sizes and our minds are pre-wired to display them as expected. When solving a problem, a man will automatically look at the logical solution, while a woman will explore several theories and analyze the outcome based on numerous factors and pick apart every detail until the original problem is no longer recognizable. She will then argue to the death that her solution is best because of how she came to her conclusion. In the inevitable end, the same decision is reached by both parties.

If we are lucky enough to cross that “divide”, then we have the fortune of seeing through their eyes. That leads to understanding and understanding leads to faster and amicable resolution. At least it did in my case.

Happy living everyone!

The Look......

More often than not, I am finding that people have a hard time understanding the concept of “amicable divorce.” When people ask me “well, how are you doing with it all?” and I respond with “I’m doing great”, I actually get what I’m calling “The Look.” I haven’t been able to figure out if it’s confusion, surprise, or true misunderstanding as if they didn’t hear me right. I’ve even created this standard answer, almost as if I’m reading from a script, because the occurrence of The Look is so often.

******
“Everything is good. We really are great friends. Everything we’ve decided has been amicable and friendly. We even went to California together and had a great time ….. as friends.”

The last comment really gets them. “You went on a trip together?” Oops. I think I may have created a state of confusion from which they might not be able to recover.

******
That scenario replays itself time and time again. And each time I am more and more bewildered that people just can’t seem to grasp what I am trying to achieve. I mean seriously? Does it HAVE to be bad?

Of course SOMETHING started the whole progression of drifting apart, separating and starting the divorce process. We weren’t always this incompatible as a married couple. We started drifting apart as soon as we found out I was pregnant. I shouldn’t have been surprised too much. He would have been totally fine (if not great) if I didn’t want children. But he went into the marriage knowing that I did. And I went into the marriage knowing that he did not share my enthusiasm.

I think that reminding myself of his initial wants is what really helped me to accept how we grew apart. We have a propensity to go into relationships thinking that we can change the other person to want what we want or to feel what we feel or to act like we act. But that doesn’t happen and it shouldn’t happen. We found them for a reason. We married them for a reason. If we feel like they need to be changed from who they are, then we shouldn’t marry them to begin with. Have I lost you yet?

Accepting who he was and who he is really helped us both. Certainly, there were tough times. I didn’t just wake up one day and say “Ok, you are who you are and I am who I am. We don’t fit anymore. Let’s get divorced.” It definitely did not happen that way. It was a much longer process and tears were shed. But acceptance is ultimately what helped me to turn that much needed corner.

Once acceptance came, my reactions to the whole situation took an about-face. I knew that I could move forward happy or I could move forward angry. It was my choice to make and I chose happiness.

Happy living everyone!

Hello and Hello......

Blank slate?........ Not so much. Been here before…… the introductory blog. For my friends that followed me on my “triing with twins” blog, welcome to my new world! For those of you that are new to me, welcome to chaos! I am a newly single mother of three and half year old twin boys (wow! What a description!). I use the term “newly single” loosely, as the divorce is not final yet. There’s no immediate hurry since he and I are……... wait for it………… wait for it………... very good friends. Yep! That’s what I said!

Can we be the poster children of ending a marriage friendly? Maybe. Will we take to the courts like two five year olds in a tug-o-war match fighting over every last napkin holder and dish towel? Absolutely not! Everything we do will be in the best interest of our two wonderful three year old boys. “Oh sure,” you’re thinking…..”I’ve heard that before.” Everyone always starts out doing everything in the best interest of the kids, but somehow along the way, forget who their kids are in fact. All they remember is who did what and who gets what. I refuse to let “me” get in the way of “them”. My soon-to-be ex believes in the same thing.

We were friends to begin with and we can be friends to end it. I know that it can’t happen that way for some people. Believe me, I’ve watched many of my friends go through a divorce in much an opposite way. It breaks my heart to see what has happened to them through the process. They don’t just lose the living room suit or the house or even time with their kids. They lose so much more. They lose a piece of who they used to be. Because it wears you down to slightly more than a nub of a human being. I get that. I do. But I also know that we have more control over our reactions than we give ourselves credit for. So many of us succumb to what is expected. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

Anyway, my new journey as a single mother of twin boys begins today (well it began two months ago when I moved out, but for argument’s sake, we’ll say today, since I’m introducing myself to you.) I’m not sure if the things I have to say will pose any kind of impact in anyone else’s life but my own. If one person starts to think about the negative things that are happening in their lives in a different way, then I’ve accomplished more than I set out to do.

Happy living all!