Sunday, July 19, 2009

Tip-Toeing Topic..............

So I have this topic that I really want to touch on, but have been a bit skeptical about doing so. I know that many people close to me read my blog and even my STBE may possibly read it, but he would never tell me. Although I find it highly unlikely that he is. He never really took much interest in the things that interested me, so I'm sure he is not taking the time to read up on my daily rantings. He hears enough of those already. =)

So what is this thing I've tiptoed around writing about? Why love, of course. When you're going through a divorce, even one as uncommon as mine, you really start to take a look at what it is you really want out of life. And while I still care very much about the boys' father, I have found myself asking what it was that drew me to him in the first place and is it something that I would consider attractive in a new relationship? Or will it put me on guard against anyone who possesses those same traits? It is really hard to say.
The problems with my STBE and myself started probably 4 or 5 years ago. And after two years of trying to figure out what happened and mostly blaming myself, we hit a wall. And on the other side of that wall was silence. The silence turned into distance and before too long we were living our lives as room-mates, carrying on with the daily duties of raising children, taking care of a house, and making sure the finances were in good shape. But that was it. It is putting it too lightly to even say "the spark just disappeared." It was almost as if everything disappeared, everything between us that truly meant anything. Every meaningful conversation. Every happy memory. Every experience we shared over the past 13 years. Disappeared. I tried to find them. I tried to get him to help me find them. I tried to get him to simply be interested in looking for them. But no luck.

Why am I explaining all this? Because to say I have been lonely would not clasify where I have been for the past couple of years. I have been alone. Being alone in a marriage is much different than feeling lonely in one. Loneliness in a marriage is tough enough. I imagine a woman at home with the kids while her husband is too busy working or hanging with his buddies or focusing on his own "thing" to spend time with her. When I think of being alone, I see a woman who's husband checked out on the marriage and left her there by herself to survive. My STBE may be here physically, but he checked on me three years ago.

The only advantage for a person in a position like myself is that I have had my time to accept where we are in our relationship. And I have had time to think about how I want pursue love in the future. And yes, I DO plan on finding love again. Who knows when that will happen. All I know is that I'm not in a big hurry. And I can actually take my time finding someone who loves life the way that I do. Life is way too short not to enjoy it!
Happy Living All!


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