Friday, April 24, 2009

I'm Giving You the Finger.........

Over the past couple of years, I've been hit with a lot that should have made me go over the edge a long time ago.  I never have been a person prone to succumbing to stress.  I'm a "look it in the eye and give it the finger" kinda person.  There are too many people in the world that have to deal with far greater negatives than I do.  But, here lately, I have felt mentally defeated.  That is truly saying a lot for me.  I hate watching myself even type the word d-e-f-e-a-t.  It is not a word I am used to.  I try and cut myself some slack, though.  I mean I AM living with my soon to be ex (STBE), I'm ending a marriage that was 13 years in the making, I'm planning a lifestyle for my children that will ultimately have them living in limbo for the rest of their lives, or at least until they are 18.  

I ask myself everyday, am I making the right decision?  Am I doing the best thing for my boys?  Am I doing the best thing for myself and for my STBE?  I guess all the "what ifs" that are constantly running through my head have overwhelmed my already full brain.  And now I'm sick.  Like physically sick feeling.  Upset stomach, headache, muscle aches, etc. etc.  I knew it would catch up with me sooner or later.  

I even had to leave work early today.  I went home and crashed on the couch for about 6 hours.  After I was able to pull myself up and cook dinner, I sat on the back patio trying to figure out what would help me.  Now I know that my boss reads my blog so I risk telling you what my solution was.  I ran.  I got up.  I put on my sneakers.  I grabbed my IPod and I ran.  Only for 45 minutes, but I ran.  And let me tell you........... it worked!  For anyone that followed my previous blog, you know that I am a runner.  But with all my stress and moving and crap, crap, crap, I haven't run in over three weeks.  Tonight felt great.  I got my heart rate up and I broke a sweat.  It was exactly what I needed!

"Hey you!  D-E-F-E-A-T!  Over here!  I'm looking you in the eye and I'm giving you the finger!"

Happy Living All!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Catching Curve Balls.........

So, I had been living back at my parents’ house while the STBE and I made our separation arrangements and worked on getting the house ready to put on this lovely market. What a great time to try and sell your home! Well, the kiddies were on spring break a couple of weeks ago and I took a few days off work to stay home with them. I decided to stay at “my” home for those few days instead of my parents’. And as I walked from room to room, missing my privacy (don’t get me wrong – I’m truly grateful for everything they have done for us), missing “my” stuff, missing “my” space, I noticed that the house looked the same as it did three months ago, before I moved out. Nothing was different, but yet, everything should be.

It dawned on me……….. absolutely nothing is going to happen until I make it happen. Not a thing! I can’t be a squatter at my parents’ house forever. I’m 35 years old for god’s sake. I gotta take care of this! So, in one fell swoop, I was back at home…... with certain conditions to be met by the STBE, of course: we are “roommates” in every sense of the word, he has his room and I have mine, we truly work hard to get our house ready to sell, the “for sale” sign goes up immediately, and we continue maintaining our friendship so that our children will always know they have both their parents, a family. And he was totally cool with that.

Why am “I” having to do everything, you ask? Well, the STBE is very complacent. He is unbothered by too much, a routine guy, if you will. He was comfortable in that big house by himself, why would he want to make any strides to change that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy, but character flaws he has. As do we all, but his are getting in the way of us truly moving forward. So I had to put my foot down.

So far, it’s working out. We are getting along great. The boys always adjust pleasantly. I hope that will remain true throughout this whole crazy process.

So there you have it! I was thrown a curve ball. I zig’d, I zag’d, and I was able to catch it……………… this time. Keep giving me your best shot, life! I’m not afraid.

Happy Living All!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Random Picture challenge....

A fellow blogger "4 Little Men and Girly Twins" does this great Random Picture Challenge and it is a great way to go back through your old photos and reminisce.    I picked this photo because of the "action" aspect of it.  I love taking pictures of bubble blowing.  The bubbles make for great shots.  And my little men L-O-V-E bubble!  So here's my shot!  :)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I got some 'splainin' to do .........

So, I’ve been asked by a few people “Why Supernatural?” It is easy to understand where I came up with the optimist part. But Supernatural takes a little explaining, I guess.

When I was thinking about starting this new blog, I couldn’t use a name similar to my old blog, because it had nothing to do with what I wanted to share. I knew that there were many moms in my situation, faced with raising their children and no longer being married to the father or never having been married to the father in the first place. I knew that many moms faced tougher situations than myself. I watched as one of my best friends went through a very tough and emotional separation and divorce and it broke my heart for her. Unfortunately, her procedure was more common than not. Apparently it is a general rule that divorce be negative. I hate that rule.

So the idea of “friendly divorce” was an alien concept to some people. The term is in itself an oxymoron. Divorce has an automatic negative connotation. How in the world can you add the word “friendly” in front of it? But it is possible. It does not have to be such an alien perception. Regardless, it is and will remain an instant depressing notion that divorce can only be bad. My only hope is that more people can start to appreciate that they have more power than they realize to change “how” they get divorced.

So there you have it, Supernatural explained.

Happy Living All!

P.S. I just love this quote:

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. – Ellen Burstyn

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Exhaustion Breeds Frustration.....

I find myself getting a little bit more frustrated than usual.  And it is not frustration over just big things either.  I'm getting irritated at the slightest of things.  If someone uses tone I don't like or one of my boys says "mama" one too many times or the STBE looks at me funny.  Usually those things just roll right off me.  But lately they have wreaked havoc with my fragility.  I may need to come back and address that word, fragility, later.  That is not a word commonly used in my vocabulary.  

So back to these little things.  I have tried to figure out what is making them so BIG to me and I finally turned on that little light bulb above my head.  I'M EXHAUSTED!!  And it's not just physical exhaustion either.  My brain feels like it is running a non-stop marathon and there is no end in sight.  Between working full-time, raising twins, trying to get a good work-out in here and there, maintaining my very important friendships, trying to get a house ready to sell, and making conscious efforts to keep a good relationship going between the SBTE and myself, I'm doing loop-d-loops in my head.  I'm barely able to keep some things straight.  (I just remembered that I never remembered to take the boys to the dentist yet, oops!!!!! Major oops!!!)

So I got a Blackberry for Christmas and that has truly helped me to keep a lot of things in order, like an upcoming wedding for a dear friend, the fact that we're out of toilet paper, a new idea for a blog entry, the all-important girls' trip in three weeks, and the forgotten dentist appointment.  Seriously, what did we do before Computers, e-mail, internet, cell phones and Blackberries???   What's funny is that I am of the generation that remembers going from one to the other without the confusion my parent's generation experienced or the privileged oblivion experienced by the generation of my much younger brother (by 12 years).  We typed on typewriters and dialed by rotary.  We kept up with appointments on a paper calendar.  And we looked up phone numbers in a big, fat, yellow book with paper that made our fingers feel all icky by the time we were done.  And then when technology presented itself to us, we transitioned easily....... and eagerly, I might add.

So now that I determined where my frustration was originating, I am able to cope with it a bit better.  The first thing I do????  Take a deep breath.  Come to think of it......... that usually helps.  And then there is no need for the second thing.

So take a deep breath everyone.  And Happy Living!  

Friday, April 10, 2009

Big E (formerly Burrito) and Peanut........

I’ve been following a fellow blogger, Bad MuthaBlogger (love her!), and she writes so beautifully about her little “Bunny”. It got me thinking…… I want to share the joyous story about my boys with you.

To begin with, twins were never a thought of possibility in my mind as I delicately encouraged my husband to start the act of baby-making. We were in a good place in our relationship, although his mother had passed away three years prior and the thought of her not being able to meet any grandchildren was still a difficult one. We endured long talks about getting started and finally said “yes!” in January of 2005. By March, we were pregnant! Wow! Didn’t see that one coming!

Six weeks into the pregnancy, the STBE was finally getting over his initial dazed and confused state. The doctor asked that we go in so that she could determine exactly how far along I was. There I was, lying on the table, (the STBE is still in shock over the “internal ultrasound”, haha), and the ultrasound tech gave us a look that I will never forget. Immediately, I was thinking all kinds of crazy things “What?! Does it have two heads? What is it?!” Laughingly she replied “Well, sort of, I see two babies.”

Ok. Of all the crazy thoughts that flew through my mind in less than two seconds, twins was NOT one of them. My only reaction was pure, uncontrollable laughter. It was as if someone pressed on my stomach and pushed out this cackle that I’ve never heard before. Yep! That was my reaction to the news I was having twins.

So fast forward through seven and a half months, many scares, and complete denial on the part of the STBE, and we were at birthday! We had joked for months that we would need to paint one toenail to be able to tell them apart. Although we knew they were fraternal, there was something about the word “twins” that makes you automatically think they are going to look just alike. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. Baby A came first. He was bigger at 5 lbs 9 oz, with a round face. Two minutes later, Baby B appeared. He was much smaller at 4 lbs 9 oz, with a narrow face and the true “old man” look. No painted toenails needed.

They both had to go to the NICU because of their prematurity and size. Because he weighed more and was eating well, we got to have Baby A in our room after one day. When they brought him to us, he was wrapped up so tightly in the blanket that he was automatically dubbed “Burrito”. Horrible nick-name for a newborn, I know, but it was just so fitting. Baby B, on the other hand, was still so small and not breathing or eating as well, that they kept him in the NICU for 5 days. We would visit him all day and sit and wonder in amazement at that tiny little being. He looked so frail, yet we knew he was strong. He instantly became known as Peanut.

Peanut stuck, but Burrito was re-named Big E, because after a while Burrito just seemed mean. So there you have it, Peanut and Big E, as I like to call them. You’ll definitely hear more about them as the three of us enter into this new world together.

Happy Living All!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Emotional Divide......

It goes without saying that women are generally more emotional than men. We use our emotions to make most of our decisions. Men use logic and reality. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule on both sides, but the generality remains the same. Why am I saying all this?

I look back on all my decisions I’ve made over the past three years and I see that my emotions played a large part. But when it came to the important decision of finally moving out, I used logic and reality. The logic was simple. The soon-to-be Ex (STBE) doesn’t have much family here and no real options that were suitable for the boys. Therefore, it would be me that moved out. I needed to go somewhere that was move-in ready for my boys and the most logical solution was my parents. The boys already had their own room there, so it made sense.

The reality part of it was a bit tougher. Maybe not so much tough as it was long. You see, reality came from years of learning to accept what was happening. Since I had already traveled down that road, the reality just “hit” me.

I wasn’t emotional when I decided to move. I wasn’t emotional when I started packing. And I wasn’t even emotional when I was unloading all my belongings into the room I went through 2nd grade in. The STBE, on the other hand, was finally starting to experience some of the emotion I had been dealing with for three years. His black and white world was now blurred. And I knew that was something he was just going to have to tackle on his own.

There was beauty in the fact that I didn’t have to experience all the negative emotions that come when you leave the home you’ve shared with your spouse and children. It was more of a calm and sense of almost relief that a step had been taken. Forward progression was actually taking place, albeit moving back into the room I occupied almost 30 years ago (there is some actual humor in that if you think about it.) But it was forward progression none the less.

So back to the emotional divide…. Reactions come is all different shapes and sizes and our minds are pre-wired to display them as expected. When solving a problem, a man will automatically look at the logical solution, while a woman will explore several theories and analyze the outcome based on numerous factors and pick apart every detail until the original problem is no longer recognizable. She will then argue to the death that her solution is best because of how she came to her conclusion. In the inevitable end, the same decision is reached by both parties.

If we are lucky enough to cross that “divide”, then we have the fortune of seeing through their eyes. That leads to understanding and understanding leads to faster and amicable resolution. At least it did in my case.

Happy living everyone!

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Look......

More often than not, I am finding that people have a hard time understanding the concept of “amicable divorce.” When people ask me “well, how are you doing with it all?” and I respond with “I’m doing great”, I actually get what I’m calling “The Look.” I haven’t been able to figure out if it’s confusion, surprise, or true misunderstanding as if they didn’t hear me right. I’ve even created this standard answer, almost as if I’m reading from a script, because the occurrence of The Look is so often.

“Everything is good. We really are great friends. Everything we’ve decided has been amicable and friendly. We even went to California together and had a great time ….. as friends.”

The last comment really gets them. “You went on a trip together?” Oops. I think I may have created a state of confusion from which they might not be able to recover.

That scenario replays itself time and time again. And each time I am more and more bewildered that people just can’t seem to grasp what I am trying to achieve. I mean seriously? Does it HAVE to be bad?

Of course SOMETHING started the whole progression of drifting apart, separating and starting the divorce process. We weren’t always this incompatible as a married couple. We started drifting apart as soon as we found out I was pregnant. I shouldn’t have been surprised too much. He would have been totally fine (if not great) if I didn’t want children. But he went into the marriage knowing that I did. And I went into the marriage knowing that he did not share my enthusiasm.

I think that reminding myself of his initial wants is what really helped me to accept how we grew apart. We have a propensity to go into relationships thinking that we can change the other person to want what we want or to feel what we feel or to act like we act. But that doesn’t happen and it shouldn’t happen. We found them for a reason. We married them for a reason. If we feel like they need to be changed from who they are, then we shouldn’t marry them to begin with. Have I lost you yet?

Accepting who he was and who he is really helped us both. Certainly, there were tough times. I didn’t just wake up one day and say “Ok, you are who you are and I am who I am. We don’t fit anymore. Let’s get divorced.” It definitely did not happen that way. It was a much longer process and tears were shed. But acceptance is ultimately what helped me to turn that much needed corner.

Once acceptance came, my reactions to the whole situation took an about-face. I knew that I could move forward happy or I could move forward angry. It was my choice to make and I chose happiness.

Happy living everyone!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Hello and Hello......

Blank slate?........ Not so much. Been here before…… the introductory blog. For my friends that followed me on my “triing with twins” blog, welcome to my new world! For those of you that are new to me, welcome to chaos! I am a newly single mother of three and half year old twin boys (wow! What a description!). I use the term “newly single” loosely, as the divorce is not final yet. There’s no immediate hurry since he and I are……... wait for it………… wait for it………... very good friends. Yep! That’s what I said!

Can we be the poster children of ending a marriage friendly? Maybe. Will we take to the courts like two five year olds in a tug-o-war match fighting over every last napkin holder and dish towel? Absolutely not! Everything we do will be in the best interest of our two wonderful three year old boys. “Oh sure,” you’re thinking…..”I’ve heard that before.” Everyone always starts out doing everything in the best interest of the kids, but somehow along the way, forget who their kids are in fact. All they remember is who did what and who gets what. I refuse to let “me” get in the way of “them”. My soon-to-be ex believes in the same thing.

We were friends to begin with and we can be friends to end it. I know that it can’t happen that way for some people. Believe me, I’ve watched many of my friends go through a divorce in much an opposite way. It breaks my heart to see what has happened to them through the process. They don’t just lose the living room suit or the house or even time with their kids. They lose so much more. They lose a piece of who they used to be. Because it wears you down to slightly more than a nub of a human being. I get that. I do. But I also know that we have more control over our reactions than we give ourselves credit for. So many of us succumb to what is expected. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

Anyway, my new journey as a single mother of twin boys begins today (well it began two months ago when I moved out, but for argument’s sake, we’ll say today, since I’m introducing myself to you.) I’m not sure if the things I have to say will pose any kind of impact in anyone else’s life but my own. If one person starts to think about the negative things that are happening in their lives in a different way, then I’ve accomplished more than I set out to do.

Happy living all!