Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thankful Thursdays.....

So here we are, Thursday again and my time to reflect on the things that make me smile.......Oh, where to begin:

1. I believe that my boys will always have to be number 1 on this list! No doubt about it!

2. Looking ahead to my future, as uncertain as it may be right now. There is a bit of excitement in knowing that I don't know what is to come.

3. Loving my new ink.

4. I am truly thankful for the wonderful friends that have imbedded themselves into my heart. I would not be sane without them!

5. I am thankful for the ability to see light through clouds.

Happy Living all!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Mixed Reviews.........

So I seem to be giving myself mixed reviews of how well I’m handling everything. Most of my friends have looked at me and said things like “Wow! You are managing all this so well,” or “You’re doing a great job keeping everything together,” or “You don’t seem stressed at all.” What???!! Did I not just ink myself down my entire right side of my body??! Oh, I guess I forgot to mention to you dear readers (or reader-the plural sense may be stretching it a little), my tattoo of last week is not one of those dainty little markings of an amateur. No sir! Well, I exaggerate a little. It is not down the entire side of my body. But it does consist of 13 stars in various sizes that pan out about a foot and a half. It is funny to see the shocked look on people’s faces (especially my most innocent of friends) when they realize this was not just a quick run to the tattoo parlor to get something out of my system. This was something I had to really think about long and hard before permanently marking up such a large section of myself.

I am very happy with following through with something I have wanted to do for a long time. So much so, that I’m ready to do it again. It is true – they really ARE addicting. Maybe I’ll try to spread this like I try to spread optimism, become a pusher of ink. After all, it is a good high once the pain is done. But I guess that goes for pretty much any painful experience in our lives. Once you break through the sharp sting of it all, the euphoria is your reward for having to endure the sharp sting in the first place.

So… I handling it well, you ask? I think so. I’m happy. A little frustrated with the living situation, but all in all pretty happy. I have my health. I have my renewed outlook on life. I have my returned ability to step in any direction I choose. And most importantly, I have my boys. They are my sun, my stars, my day and night. They are my breathe and heartbeat, my blood rushing through my veins. They are my dreams, my beautiful reality.

Happy Living All!

P.S. What does my tattoo mean to me??? The stars don’t always have to align perfectly to live a happy life.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Mama Got a New Tattoo.......

So, do you ever feel like you're simply losin' it? Or maybe you just feel like you've been bottled up for so long that you need to bust out? Or you're just losin' it..?.... Either way, you get this feeling that something has just got to give, a change needs to take place and it needs to happen now. I think that is where I am in this whole process. I'm ready to get out of my house and into my own place with my boys. I'm ready for a change of scenery. I often fear that my impulsive behavior will cause me to make a decision that is not well considered. I know that my STBE is looking at me and fearing the same thing.

Take last night, for instance. Mama DID get a new tattoo. And while the STBE thinks that my decision to do this was rash and spontaneous, it is actually something that I have considered for about 5 years. My only hesitation in going through with it was because of him and his disapproval. I got one about 12 years ago and he wasn't too thrilled, but we had just started dating and I was still ME. I liked to go out dancing and drinking with my friends. I loved tattoos and piercings. I did crazy things with my hair. And I was even a full-blown smoker at the time. But once he and I got serious, all that changed. I changed. And it wasn't until about 6 or so months ago that I realized it. How crazy is that?????

I've spent the past 12 years of my life living the way some one else preferred. I guess we all do it to an extent and I'm certainly not saying that I regret anything I've done over the past 12 years. All I'm saying is that it is funny how you can wake up, look in the mirror and wonder who in the hell is staring back at you. I've loved my life and I honestly believe that because of altering pieces of me over the years, I have made myself a better person, a better mother, a better friend. But at the same time, I'm ready to get back to some of the things that make me me - minus the "full blown smoker" thing, of course. :)

Happy Living All!

Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm Mental Trash and Unsuited for Limbo.......

Do you ever have full on conversations with yourself in your mind? OMG, I do it all the time. Especially lately, with all the crazy changes going on in my life. No, I'm not hearing voices, at least I hope I'm not. I just create this exchange of dialogue in my mind on certain situations, most of them fictitious. I think of it as preparing myself for what my reactions may be should I encounter such situations. Crap! My mind is trashed. First off, I am pondering going back to my parents. The STBE and I have reluctantly decided not to put the house on the market at this time. It is a big ole suck factor, but in the interest of retaining what little equity we have left and in the hopes of gaining more in the future, we made the decision to wait.

So now this puts my living status in turmoil once again. If you recall, I moved back into the house for the sole purpose of getting it ready to sell. Now that that has been put on the back-burner, I am faced with the question, "Do I stay or do I go?" I would seriously love to be able to keep my feet planted some where, but at the same time, I hate looking in the face of a failed marriage everyday. I'm not saying that I hate looking at my STBE, I just hate feeling like, once again, I am in limbo. I do not do well in limbo. I'm not a good "standing still" kinda person. It is a feeling slightly less than suffocation for me. And while his complacency annoys me, I'm quite sure my whimsy annoys him. I have a free spirit that only another free spirit can love, I suppose. It is funny how people so opposite from each other that co-existed so well together at one point in their lives, can be so clashing now. Well, time to move one. One more foot in front of the other.

On the flip side, I'm looking forward to a great weekend with some dear friends. My new found pseudo-singleness has allowed me to connect with some great new friends and re-connect with some very, very special old friends. I was worried at the onset of this separation that I would find myself alone more times than not. But it has been the contrary. My friends, single and married, have really rallied around me. I have my own support bubble, so to speak. And on the pseudo-dating front, well, we won't discuss that right now........

Oh! And guess what?! I finally ran 5 miles! Yay me!

Happy Living All!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Reflections, Carnivals and Mother's Day.......

Lately, I have found myself reading more blogs than writing in my own. The idiosyncrasies of other people’s lives is becoming more interesting to me and sometimes leaves me little inspiration to write about my own. Yet, while I admire the musings of my fellow bloggers, I ponder the thought of what other bloggers even think of me. I know that probably few people read my entries and that I write mainly for my own amusement. But I will not let that deter me from broadening my own horizons as a writer. I started this for several reasons: as an outlet for myself, as mediocre inspiration to those that may be going through what I’m going through, as a written chronicle of the constant entertainment my children obliviously provide. I hope others find it engaging, but if not, I will not be dissuaded from continuing on. If anything, I have provided my children with a means for re-living the chaos I so enjoy experiencing. After all, this is my journal, my diary if you will, for I have never been much for journaling the traditional way.

So on to my next rambling thought for today. Is it just me or are those parking lot carnivals truly some sort of demented nightmare come to life experiences? I actually get the chills when I see one. I don’t have a full on phobia about parking lot carnivals, I just can’t get the image of a ride-gone-bad out of my head. I graphically imagine one of those multi-seated spinning things coming unhooked and soaring through the air, feet dangling. Ugh. And bless her sweet precious heart, my baby sister wanted me to load my three year old boys up and take them for a fun-filled afternoon to experience the very things that make me cringe. Fortunately, I was able to let her down with a delicate ease, by claiming “Over my dead body.” She took it well, I think……

And finally, I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I spent my day child-less and it was great, which in and of itself seems oxy-moronic. But none the less, I had a wonderful day. Spent it with MY mom and my baby sister. We went to lunch, did a little shopping and took in a movie, “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” to be exact. It was cute, not great by any means, but cute. I wasn’t in the mood to see “Obsessed”, which is what my sister wanted to see. I had to explain to her that I am on good terms with my STBE (soon to be ex). I don’t need to watch some dark movie about crazy things and crazy people that cause marital problems. So the sappy, romantic comedy it was.

All in all, it was a great day!

Take care and Happy Living All!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Thankful Thursdays......

I think I'm going to start my own little tradition called "Thankful Thursdays". I am thankful everyday for my boys, my health and many things in my life. But once a week, I would like to remind myself of the things that made me especially thankful that week. This week, I want to focus on some of the funny things my boys have said. They never seem to amaze me with their honesty and their innocence, but their wit just provides endless sources of laughter for me. Here are this week's examples:

1. We’re all sitting and playing in the living room and Peanut lets one rip. I looked at him (trying not to laugh) and say “What was that?!” Without hesitation and pointing to his brother, he replied “Ethan did it.”

2. Joys of potty training – Daddy goes into the bathroom to pee and Big E follows him. When they emerge, Big E is proudly saying “Good job daddy. You’re a big boy now.”

3. The boys are planting flowers with their Mimi and Pawpaw. They are learning to place the flower in the ground, top it with soil and then water. Big E thinks it would be funny to throw dirt at Peanut. Peanut quickly announces “No Ethan! I not a flower!”

4. Peanut runs to me and jumps in my arms, places both hands on my face in such a sweet manner and just stares into my eyes. I gaze back and say “I love you.” He replies with, “I love toast”.

Please post your own funny moments with your kids. I love reading them!!

Happy Living All!