Wednesday, January 20, 2010

"Mama, I'm Ready to go Home......."

Three days into my new house, these were the words that graced the lips of Big E. It is as hard for me to type it as it was to hear it. But I get it. I totally do. To him this is not his home. Or at least its not what he thinks of when he thinks of "home". I wonder how long it will take before he starts to think of mama's house as "home" too? For him, I wish that it were 6 months into the future, where he can begin to feel comfortable with two "homes". For him, I wish it were 6 months ago, where all he knew was one home and comfort was not something he had to worry about.

From time to time my guilt as a parent, for the choices I've made, takes me to a place where I, too, am uncomfortable. That lack of comfort I share with my boys as they try to decifer what is really going on. We talk about this, their dad and I. And we both struggle with balancing importance. That struggle is what led us here in the first place....... balancing what our children needed from us as well as what we needed from each other. Our choice to put them first is paramount and, at times, hard to explain to people that don't interpret our actions that way. All they see are two people that didn't want to be married anymore so they made a choice to separate regardless of what it did to the children. And that couldn't be further from the truth. When you don't love each other the same way anymore, it is hard to stay and let that be the example you set for your children. I'm not quite sure why I am feeling the need to defend my choice to separate. Maybe it is that guilt creeping back up. Maybe I'm just defending it to my own self.

Do I wish things could have worked our differently? Absolutely. But ultimately, I know there is a plan for me. Some master arrangment of stars that were laid out for me long before I was born. If traveling this path that has been positioned in front of me means that I might encounter the occasional lack of comfort, then I will do it. I will do it for my boys because they are the reasons I'm on this path to begin with. They hold the key to my past, my present and my future and I will get no where unless I put one uncomfortable foot in front of the other.

So I will embrace my star hopping, path traveling, planned plan and see where it leads me. I will not let guilt or fear or sadness tell me which way to go.

Happy Living All!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Commitments and TNT.......

Well I did it. I fell victim to the ole “it’s a new year, it’s going to be a new me, time to make some changes, etc, etc, etc” euphoria. That’s a good thing though. While I still hold tight to my belief in making “anti-resolutions” as opposed to actual new year’s resolutions, I believe this will really start my new year…….ahem… new life off on the right foot.

So here goes………………for all the world to see………… commitment……….

I quit smoking completely (I know, gross right?) AND I signed up to train for another marathon this year. I am actually totally stoked about both!! Smoking is gross, but I did it anyway. I was a smoker many years back and quit fairly easily. And then last year, around this same time, I picked it back up. Chock it up to one of those “questionable judgment calls” I mentioned in my previous post. At first I enjoyed it, still getting the nicotine high that non-smokers get. Then it just became habit, albeit only two a day, but still. So, I started this morning with almost an entire pack in my purse. By the time I got to work, I made my commitment to stop. Threw them away in the parking lot. It’s that simple. Once I completely commit to something, I usually have no problems following through. And I have placed the added burden of honesty on myself by sharing my commitment with the world. Kinda like getting that gym membership. You are more likely to go when you see the draft coming out of your bank account every month, right?

And I know what you’re thinking….. a marathon? Yes. I actually grew up hating running, but for some reason I did it anyway. And then about 6 years ago (pre twins), I signed up with the American Stroke Association and trained for a marathon to be run in Bermuda of all places. The training was great. And the Marathon? not-so-great. I take that back. The marathon itself was GREAT! The time in which I ran it, ummmm, walked it, was not. But hey, I finished and that’s what counts right??? Plus I raised over $4000 for the American Stroke Association. Win-win!!

This year I am running for my aunt and my cousin. They both have an unfortunate personal relationship with cancer. My aunt is in the middle of her fight. Having endured her first round of chemo just this past week. She is an amazing spirit, my aunt. She smiles at pain, laughs at fear and sucker punches obstacles. I hope that if I am ever faced with anything remotely as scary as cancer that I can flip it the bird with as much southern grace as she does. I do this for her.

My cousin is a vibrant, beautiful young mother of two who has been divorcing her cancer for the past several years now. It was an ugly divorce. One that was full of name calling, finger pointing and top-of-the-lung yelling sessions, that left her body frail and barely reminiscent of what she once was. But like any other divorce, the separation has given her new birth. She is a cancer survivor in every possible meaning of the word. An inspiration to her children, her friends and her family. I do this for her.

So here I am, at another crossroads, in which I am choosing the less-easy road. Divorce sucks, becoming a single parent sucks, moving into a new home and starting all over again sucks. But life itself does not have to. =)

Happy Living All!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Life!.......

Wow. I am really sucking at keeping this blog up to date. Let's see..... my last post was in November. I guess this is as good a time as any to declare at least one New Year's resolution. Write more. =)

I'm actually not big on new year's resolutions. The new and shineyness of it only lasts about a month and then it wears off. So I will declare a new year's anti-resolution in hopes that a change in perspective will motivate me more.

So I guess before I can begin a new year in new perspective, I must revisit crimes of this year past. I had probably one of the biggest life changing years in quite some time. I had to dig deep, deep, deep inside of myself to grab hold of enough courage to help me move on. The journey to the depths of my soul lead me down roads I had not expected to encounter. Details of these roads will remain my own, but needless to say, when faced with the toughest decisions in my life, I made some rather questionable judgment calls. Some I regret, others I embrace, all I learned from.

So now that I am on the other end of this branch of my journey, what roads will I choose to take? My first road begins Sunday, when I will have my furniture delivered to my new home. I have tried to make this a gentle road for my boys. I took them to see their new second home for the first time last week. I had been dreading this for a long time. My heart ached every time I thought about what they would think when they realized mama and daddy didn't live together anymore. My anxiety levels skyrocketed at the notion of making them bear the burden of my failed marriage by traveling from home to home. And my mind raced with fears of their personalities changing because they can't understand how to deal with what is going on. But with one step into their new home, my own children made all that go away.

With every turn he took, Big E simply said "cool." And Peanut ran around wanting to discover every inch of this foreign place. They ran up the stairs anxious to see their new room and asked if they could have a tv. They ran to mama's new bathroom and marveled at the enormous bathtub and already talked about how much fun they were going to have in there. They leaped onto the large back porch like cats and began throwing leaves at each other laughing and running in circles. I was able to take a step back and watch in amazement at how these two small human beings took away every fear and anxiety their mama had been experiencing. It took them 10 minutes to wash away years of helplessness in my heart. It took them 10 minutes to open my eyes that it will be them taking care of me and not the other way around.

We had a picnic on the living room floor and Big E looked up and said "mama, I love your new home".

Happy Living All!

And Happy New Year!