Sunday, July 19, 2009

Tip-Toeing Topic..............

So I have this topic that I really want to touch on, but have been a bit skeptical about doing so. I know that many people close to me read my blog and even my STBE may possibly read it, but he would never tell me. Although I find it highly unlikely that he is. He never really took much interest in the things that interested me, so I'm sure he is not taking the time to read up on my daily rantings. He hears enough of those already. =)

So what is this thing I've tiptoed around writing about? Why love, of course. When you're going through a divorce, even one as uncommon as mine, you really start to take a look at what it is you really want out of life. And while I still care very much about the boys' father, I have found myself asking what it was that drew me to him in the first place and is it something that I would consider attractive in a new relationship? Or will it put me on guard against anyone who possesses those same traits? It is really hard to say.
The problems with my STBE and myself started probably 4 or 5 years ago. And after two years of trying to figure out what happened and mostly blaming myself, we hit a wall. And on the other side of that wall was silence. The silence turned into distance and before too long we were living our lives as room-mates, carrying on with the daily duties of raising children, taking care of a house, and making sure the finances were in good shape. But that was it. It is putting it too lightly to even say "the spark just disappeared." It was almost as if everything disappeared, everything between us that truly meant anything. Every meaningful conversation. Every happy memory. Every experience we shared over the past 13 years. Disappeared. I tried to find them. I tried to get him to help me find them. I tried to get him to simply be interested in looking for them. But no luck.

Why am I explaining all this? Because to say I have been lonely would not clasify where I have been for the past couple of years. I have been alone. Being alone in a marriage is much different than feeling lonely in one. Loneliness in a marriage is tough enough. I imagine a woman at home with the kids while her husband is too busy working or hanging with his buddies or focusing on his own "thing" to spend time with her. When I think of being alone, I see a woman who's husband checked out on the marriage and left her there by herself to survive. My STBE may be here physically, but he checked on me three years ago.

The only advantage for a person in a position like myself is that I have had my time to accept where we are in our relationship. And I have had time to think about how I want pursue love in the future. And yes, I DO plan on finding love again. Who knows when that will happen. All I know is that I'm not in a big hurry. And I can actually take my time finding someone who loves life the way that I do. Life is way too short not to enjoy it!
Happy Living All!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Thankful Thursday (well, Friday....)............

Oops! I missed posting this by one day. Oh well, its all the same. =) Doesn't matter if it's Thursday or Friday. I'm still very thankful for these things:

1. My rock collecting, flower picking, chatterbox, tongue tied, super energetic when it’s something they want to do, super lazy when it’s something they don’t, thought provoking, laughter inducing, spider fearing, worm loving, sibling blaming, bike riding, bird watching, couch potatoes…….also known as my two precious boys.

2. The fact that I got to see my nephews and niece last night, whom I haven’t seen in a year and a half. Oh how I missed them! It was wonderful. I love you Cameron, Olivia and Graham!!!

3. My boys’ school. They have a wonderful director, wonderful teachers, and wonderful learning activities for the boys. I love it! They love it! What more could you ask?!

4. My job. I have been at the same firm for 13 years and I still love being here. I have a great boss I’m thankful for. The attorney I work directly under is awesome! And I truly like what I do. Again, what more could you ask?!

5. My ever changing outlook on life. I’m constantly striving to make positive changes in my life and I am succeeding more and more each day. Although I still have a long road ahead of me and my boys with this whole divorce thing, I’m taking it one day at a time and learning that the more I stay positive about everything, the happier I am.

Happy Living All!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Monday Confessional......

Ok my bloggin' peeps...... time for confession. Just exactly how much of my weekend wish list did I actually do?????

* Run at least 6 miles each day. YES!!! Felt great AND had an excuse for my afternoon nap!
* Accompany my dear, dear friend while she gets her 1st tattoo. YES!!! I couldn't believe it, her inking time was 10 minutes. What??? Mine took an hour to ink. Ouch!
* Update my IPod with new music! YES!! Love me some new Silversun Pickups!
* Play with Photoshop. This one is a luke-warm kinda. I'm going to buy a book this week.
* Get boys’ winter clothes ready to consign. Negative. :(
* Gather items for the Kidney Fund to come pick up. Negative :(
* Finish reading two books I have started. Double negative. :( I'm pretty sure this doesn't make a positive.
* Get my bathroom floor looking like new! (this is hands and knees scrubbing my friends) OMG! Yes!!! Back breaking! But very shiny. :)
* Plant flowers in front yard. Negative :(
* Get Divorce Papers Signed!!!!!!!!! I'm most disappointed about this one. He started looking at them, but got distracted before finishing. I'm giving him a pass on the distraction ONLY b/c it is Tour de France month.

So there you have it. I completed some of it along with some much needed relaxing. My boys had a great time at their Mimi's and I had a good weekend. All in all I cannot complain.

Happy Living All!

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Weekend Wish List..........

So once again my superlicious mother has asked to take the boys for the weekend. I get excited about having a couple of days to myself (although, by day two I am missing my boys something awful) and I think about all the things I want to work on that I have been putting off for so long.

Like Photoshop! I have it on my Mac, but I have no clue how to use it and I really just want to take some time to play around with it. And then there’s Tivo! I probably have two weeks worth of stuff that dates back 6 months that I would love to get caught up on. And the yard! My front yard looks like a scorched peach. What fuzz of grass is left really needs to be replaced by something a bit more aesthetically pleasing. And of course, the never ending job of organizing and cleaning. With two three year olds constantly making messes, leaving half eaten lunches under the chaise lounge, hiding favorite toys in places I’ve never seen before, it can get exhausting. Not to mention the growing!!! I have tubs, and I mean TUBS of clothes that they have outgrown. It is a constant rotating marry-go-round of clothes. Can we say “THANK HEAVENS FOR CONSIGNMENT SHOPS!!!!”

So, what to do this fine weekend……???? I have an idea. Why don’t I make a list of all the things I would LIKE to work on, tackle, finish, complete, get started (oh who am I kidding….just think about) in addition to the things I already have planned. And then on Monday I will tell you which ones I can mark off the list.

* Run at least 6 miles each day.
* Accompany my dear, dear friend while she gets her 1st tattoo.
* Update my IPod with new music!
* Play with Photoshop.
* Get boys’ winter clothes ready to consign.
* Gather items for the Kidney Fund to come pick up.
* Finish reading two books I have started.
* Get my bathroom floor looking like new! (this is hands and knees scrubbing my friends)
* Plant flowers in front yard, and finally (but most importantly)
* Get Divorce Papers Signed!!!!!!!!!

So that list doesn’t sound too bad. The trick is going to be actually doing it. It sure is a helluva lot easier to think the list than to do the list. I guess it really isn't the thought that counts, is it...... Dang!!! Well, I do have a tendency to take advantage of a day off (from kids) by sleeping really late, taking two hours to drink my coffee, playing around on Face Book for far too long, drifting back off to sleep for an afternoon nap, and then getting dressed so late in the afternoon that all I have an excuse to do by that time is hit the nearest Target. So wish me luck people!

Happy Living All!

P.S. If I could ask a huge favor, please say a prayer for my cousin who was in a terrible car wreck on Wednesday. She is 20 years old and currently in a coma. She is still not out of the woods yet. Thank you.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

One Step Closer and Clearer......

Has it really been almost a month since my last post???!!! My god! I'm sorry about that. Time flies when you're.......... Well, anyway.

So it appears that I may need to make a few things clearer about my life situation. It was brought to my attention that I may be confusing some of my readers as to what my marital intentions are. (It's ok mama, you're absolutely right) As you know, I am going through a divorce and it IS amicable. Hard to believe, I know, but it is absolutely true. We really ARE friends. Don't get me wrong. I do have my moments of "What the hell is wrong with you? How can you let him off so easy? Where is your brain? Where did this huge ass come from?" And the answer to each question comes all the way back to my children (even the one about my ass...........well, especially the one about my ass.)

I know that a few of my Thankful Thursdays posts have included references to how happy I am that my STBE and I get along so well. Not in any form or fashion does that mean I am thinking about or even willing to try and work things out with him. I just have to make a choice as to how I am going to handle divorce and at the same time create as much of a loving and positive environment as I can for my children.

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, "How do you do it?" And the answer is quite simple. I look at my boys and I imagine their lives years down the line. What kind of impact will I make on them if this process turns ugly? What does it say to them if I hate the man who helped create them? What does that say about them? I do not hate my STBE, nor could I ever see myself going there. And I certainly do not regret the 13 years we have had together. I'm not going to lie and say everything has always been this easy. It hasn't by any means. I guess the single largest word I can use that has helped me get to where I am in this is ....................... wait for it .............................. wait ..............................


Once I gave myself time to get through the pain of rejection, time to get through the mourning of a failed marriage, and time to get through the anger that seemed to come so easily, I was able to ask myself, "Ok, so what next?" I had a choice to make and my decision came easier than the anger. Because, believe it or not, emotionally we are more welcoming of relief than we are of anger. It is just a matter of finding your own emotional strength.

So, now that we are clearer, let's talk about being closer. And by closer, I mean that I am one step closer to being what I've talked about for the past several months..... a single mom. This week, I have finished almost all of the paperwork. All he has to do now it review it over, help me word a few things, sign and viola! They will be filed! I have been emotionally single for quite some now, but boy will it feel good to finally be single in the eyes of the law and a higher being.

Happy Living All!