Sunday, November 7, 2010

Project 365: Day 98 - Ours, Not Mine....

Often times I feel as though my posts are bordering generic and I feel guilty. Almost as if I'm posting simply to be posting. And truth be told, that is probably the case. There are a great deal of things that I think about opening up about and then I change my mind, wondering if I have a right. After all, the things that happen in my life don't just happen to me alone. There are other people involved and I have to be sensitive to those people in my life.

I have a feeling many other bloggers go through this same tug of war. Do we write about everything or do we compromise our art for the sake of being considerate? Sometimes it's not even about the privacy of other people but rather the idea of becoming a true "open book." Do I really want to air all of my dirty laundry to the world? Who does that help? Me? My children? Strangers I'll never meet?

About two weeks ago, the boys' father finally asked me about my site. Keep in mind, I've been doing this for over two and a half years. Posting about me and my children and uploading photos for the whole world to see. He was concerned that I was serving our children up to strangers, more specifically "very bad" strangers. And to be perfectly honest with you, I never really looked at it that way. Does that make me a bad mother? I actually started feeling guilty that the thought never crossed my mind. How could it not? Society is so full of really bad people and the internet can, at times, be a cesspool of scum (present company not included, of course.)

I know exactly what my mom is saying right now.... "don't let this deter your momentum, don't let this stop you from doing what you enjoy and what you've spent years cultivating." I absolutely agree with her, but you know what? I actually agree with him too. His concern, albeit a couple of years late, is warranted. These are not just my children. They are our children and if he wants to be concerned about how I display them to the world, well, then he has a right to.

I guess I'm writing about this because if I choose to stop posting every single night, it will not be because he asked me to. He actually didn't. Again, this is a man of very few words and the fact that he even opened about his concerns, well, that surprised me and, at the same time, impressed me. He simply asked me about it and said that he felt uneasy. He never told me to quit doing it. I don't think he would ever do that. But he did ask if I could make it private, so that only people I knew would be able to view it. My response was.......... "I don't think I want to do that."

So it's not like I'm completely ignoring his concerns. I hear them and I share them. But if I made my site private, I would feel like I was defeating the purpose of my site. Which is to share a story about a mom who was blind-sided by separation and the loss of her marriage, but who is learning to cope with her new life as a single parent. If I hide that story from the people who might actually be looking for proof that they are not alone in their own journey, then I would be turning my back on one of the reasons I do it. I write my story for three reasons: for me, for my boys, and for the countless other single moms who need to know they have a family and that there is a more pleasant side to divorce.

I still have not decided whether or not I will end my "Project 365" at day 100. But if I do, know that the choice was mine for the reasons I stated last night. I don't want this to become work. I want this to still be an outlet and a place I can go when what I'm experiencing as a single mom is relevant. I may not post every night, but you can bet your ass that a two and half year project will not simply cease. And who knows, maybe I'll change the name from "Project 365" to "100 Days with Peanut and Big E."

I will actually not be posting a photo tonight. My boys and I were too lazy to take pictures. But we did have a great weekend, lounging around in pjs, baking cookies and watching movies for the past two days.

Good Night All!