Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm Mental Trash and Unsuited for Limbo.......

Do you ever have full on conversations with yourself in your mind? OMG, I do it all the time. Especially lately, with all the crazy changes going on in my life. No, I'm not hearing voices, at least I hope I'm not. I just create this exchange of dialogue in my mind on certain situations, most of them fictitious. I think of it as preparing myself for what my reactions may be should I encounter such situations. Crap! My mind is trashed. First off, I am pondering going back to my parents. The STBE and I have reluctantly decided not to put the house on the market at this time. It is a big ole suck factor, but in the interest of retaining what little equity we have left and in the hopes of gaining more in the future, we made the decision to wait.

So now this puts my living status in turmoil once again. If you recall, I moved back into the house for the sole purpose of getting it ready to sell. Now that that has been put on the back-burner, I am faced with the question, "Do I stay or do I go?" I would seriously love to be able to keep my feet planted some where, but at the same time, I hate looking in the face of a failed marriage everyday. I'm not saying that I hate looking at my STBE, I just hate feeling like, once again, I am in limbo. I do not do well in limbo. I'm not a good "standing still" kinda person. It is a feeling slightly less than suffocation for me. And while his complacency annoys me, I'm quite sure my whimsy annoys him. I have a free spirit that only another free spirit can love, I suppose. It is funny how people so opposite from each other that co-existed so well together at one point in their lives, can be so clashing now. Well, time to move one. One more foot in front of the other.

On the flip side, I'm looking forward to a great weekend with some dear friends. My new found pseudo-singleness has allowed me to connect with some great new friends and re-connect with some very, very special old friends. I was worried at the onset of this separation that I would find myself alone more times than not. But it has been the contrary. My friends, single and married, have really rallied around me. I have my own support bubble, so to speak. And on the pseudo-dating front, well, we won't discuss that right now........

Oh! And guess what?! I finally ran 5 miles! Yay me!

Happy Living All!