Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Life!.......

Wow. I am really sucking at keeping this blog up to date. Let's see..... my last post was in November. I guess this is as good a time as any to declare at least one New Year's resolution. Write more. =)

I'm actually not big on new year's resolutions. The new and shineyness of it only lasts about a month and then it wears off. So I will declare a new year's anti-resolution in hopes that a change in perspective will motivate me more.

So I guess before I can begin a new year in new perspective, I must revisit crimes of this year past. I had probably one of the biggest life changing years in quite some time. I had to dig deep, deep, deep inside of myself to grab hold of enough courage to help me move on. The journey to the depths of my soul lead me down roads I had not expected to encounter. Details of these roads will remain my own, but needless to say, when faced with the toughest decisions in my life, I made some rather questionable judgment calls. Some I regret, others I embrace, all I learned from.

So now that I am on the other end of this branch of my journey, what roads will I choose to take? My first road begins Sunday, when I will have my furniture delivered to my new home. I have tried to make this a gentle road for my boys. I took them to see their new second home for the first time last week. I had been dreading this for a long time. My heart ached every time I thought about what they would think when they realized mama and daddy didn't live together anymore. My anxiety levels skyrocketed at the notion of making them bear the burden of my failed marriage by traveling from home to home. And my mind raced with fears of their personalities changing because they can't understand how to deal with what is going on. But with one step into their new home, my own children made all that go away.

With every turn he took, Big E simply said "cool." And Peanut ran around wanting to discover every inch of this foreign place. They ran up the stairs anxious to see their new room and asked if they could have a tv. They ran to mama's new bathroom and marveled at the enormous bathtub and already talked about how much fun they were going to have in there. They leaped onto the large back porch like cats and began throwing leaves at each other laughing and running in circles. I was able to take a step back and watch in amazement at how these two small human beings took away every fear and anxiety their mama had been experiencing. It took them 10 minutes to wash away years of helplessness in my heart. It took them 10 minutes to open my eyes that it will be them taking care of me and not the other way around.

We had a picnic on the living room floor and Big E looked up and said "mama, I love your new home".

Happy Living All!

And Happy New Year!