Wednesday, January 20, 2010

"Mama, I'm Ready to go Home......."

Three days into my new house, these were the words that graced the lips of Big E. It is as hard for me to type it as it was to hear it. But I get it. I totally do. To him this is not his home. Or at least its not what he thinks of when he thinks of "home". I wonder how long it will take before he starts to think of mama's house as "home" too? For him, I wish that it were 6 months into the future, where he can begin to feel comfortable with two "homes". For him, I wish it were 6 months ago, where all he knew was one home and comfort was not something he had to worry about.

From time to time my guilt as a parent, for the choices I've made, takes me to a place where I, too, am uncomfortable. That lack of comfort I share with my boys as they try to decifer what is really going on. We talk about this, their dad and I. And we both struggle with balancing importance. That struggle is what led us here in the first place....... balancing what our children needed from us as well as what we needed from each other. Our choice to put them first is paramount and, at times, hard to explain to people that don't interpret our actions that way. All they see are two people that didn't want to be married anymore so they made a choice to separate regardless of what it did to the children. And that couldn't be further from the truth. When you don't love each other the same way anymore, it is hard to stay and let that be the example you set for your children. I'm not quite sure why I am feeling the need to defend my choice to separate. Maybe it is that guilt creeping back up. Maybe I'm just defending it to my own self.

Do I wish things could have worked our differently? Absolutely. But ultimately, I know there is a plan for me. Some master arrangment of stars that were laid out for me long before I was born. If traveling this path that has been positioned in front of me means that I might encounter the occasional lack of comfort, then I will do it. I will do it for my boys because they are the reasons I'm on this path to begin with. They hold the key to my past, my present and my future and I will get no where unless I put one uncomfortable foot in front of the other.

So I will embrace my star hopping, path traveling, planned plan and see where it leads me. I will not let guilt or fear or sadness tell me which way to go.

Happy Living All!