Monday, August 2, 2010

Project 365: Day 1 - Realizations....

Sometimes divorce is a quick and painful experience that happens in a blinding instant. The impact taking the air out of your lungs. Leaving you dizzy and confused.

But sometimes divorce is a long slow process through individual events over a long period of time. The gradual distancing; the occasional show of disrespect; the growing lack of interest. You don't see them at first; passing them off as "oh he had a bad day at work, or he's not feeling well, or it's his time of the month." You refuse to acknowledge these events that are culminating, gathering, and growing into divorce as a whole. Because once you've acknowledged the event, gave it significance, it becomes one of many realizations.

It happens like aging. You don't notice the new wrinkles every single day. You refuse to see the gradual sagging of body parts. You ignore each new grey hair. But then all of a sudden, you wake up one morning, walk to the bathroom, rub the sleep out of yours eyes and oh my God! You're old! When did this happen? How did I not see it coming? Why did all this just sneak up on me??!!

It didn't. It was there, all along, trying to speak to you, showing you the signs every day. It was the blind eye that turned away. It was your refusal to accept or acknowledge. Or maybe, you knew it was there, hovering just under the surface. You've always known that it will bubble over one day. You simply wanted to live as much time in oblivion as possible. There's nothing wrong with that. I've done it for years.

And now, I leave you with my first picture of many, 365 to be exact. This image of sadness is one that I hope will not repeat itself. Because I do not want this project to be about sadness, but rather the multitude of steps my boys and I will go through on this journey.

1 of 365:
Heading home after what will probably be our last family vacation, together, the four of us. Realization number 687.

Good night all!


Anonymous said...

Oh Raina! I am just so sorry this is how it turned out for you. You are a strong person and I know you will be fine, but none the less it really sucks for you and those sweet boys. I was thinking the other day about the little things we married people take for granted-like someone to help with the dishes when you are so tired after working and cooking dinner. I'm sorry you don't have someone to help you clean the kitchen, give the boys a bath or just watch tv with. I am sorry family vacations will no longer be the whole family (and more work on you.) I love you and will be here to help you however I can! Kellie