Sunday, August 22, 2010

Project 365: Day 22 - A Different Time....

It was exactly four years ago this weekend that my marriage fell apart. Of course, many tell tell things happened prior to this specific weekend, and many, many changes took place in the weeks, months and years following this specific weekend. But it was exactly four years ago that I knew our marriage would most likely not survive.

I think back to that time and how I tried to figure out what it was I had to do to save it. I also think back to that time, which was just a couple of months prior to the boys' first birthday, and I knew I couldn't deal with it right then. I had a party to plan for goodness sake. I wasn't about to let my personal problems ruin the most significant day of my boys' lives since their birth. But painting the "face" was tough.

This picture perfect family was boiling under the surface yet the image was cool as a cucumber. I remember how our friends and family responded in complete shock as I turned to them for guidance and support. I remember watching those same friends and family, wondering "Are they really as happy as they look? Are they going through anything similar to what we are? Can we ever get back to what they appear to have?" I remember having no answers to their questions as to what happened. Because I honestly didn't know. There are parts of me today that still ponder in the bewilderment of our separation. But that is not the point of this entry.

Today I think back four years ago and how everything I envisioned in our future simply faded into some unknown oblivion. You know how you have this image of yourselves when you're older and your kids are in their teens and then their 20's, 30's, etc? You see yourselves watching them become adults together, sending them off to college together, witnessing them as they make their own families, together. You think about the family trips you'll take together and next house you'll buy together, one with the large backyard, where the boys can play, and maybe once you saved up enough money, you'd put in a pool. You think about grocery shopping together and how you will eternally be debating the benefits between regular milk and soy milk. You think about the trips you'll take together once the kids are off to school and how you'll explore different countries together because you want to teach your kids that the experience of travel is so important.

But not once do you think about doing any of this alone. And four years ago, all of my images of our future together started to blur and eventually fade, until there was nothing but void. After years of building up my imaginary future into this beautiful collage, watching it slip away from my grip was painful. It was as if the current was pulling it away and no matter how hard I swam towards it, the distance grew more and more. I had no control of it. And losing control was not something I was thinking about four years ago.

I post this photo tonight from my archives. It is one of naive oblivion, before the future started fading away. A time when I thought we were ok.

22 of 265: A different time.........

Good night All!