Monday, September 6, 2010

Project 365: Day 37 - Sneak Attack.......

I didn't want my birthday post to be remembered with sadness and that is why I didn't post much last night. I'm not going to say that this was the saddest birthday I've ever had, but I will say it ranks among them. Anyone that goes through any kind of separation or ultimate divorce can relate to the massive array of emotions one goes through. One minute you're ok, accepting the path you have chosen and looking forward to the brighter days ahead that you know are coming. And the next minute a rush of said emotions can sneak up on you and slap you in the face and knock you on your ass. Now, I'm not saying I got knocked on my ass last night, but I did experience a slight sneak attack.

My weekend started out wonderfully. A relaxing trip home, a fruitless fishing trip that my boys loved despite no bites, and chocolate cake that was better than sex. It was great. As I've said before, my family rocks.

My weekend time with my boys would end with a trip to a wonderful park near their dad's house. We met him there along with his brother's family. It was great seeing them and hanging out for the short time I was able to. I don't see them often now, especially since they moved to Savannah. They have a new baby boy with a smile that goes on for miles and their sweet girl? Well, she has a voice that I could little to forever. She is three and a half and my boys just love spending time with their cousin from Savannah. The afternoon at the park was nice.

The sneak attack ended up being the last event of the night. I stayed at "the dad's" house for dinner, watched the boys play video games at their request, joined in on a little Wii myself. And we ended the evening with the last few minutes of a Star Wars movie. Everything was great, but it was time to say my good byes. That's when the crying started. Now, they were only crying because they were tired and we all know that emotions are amplified when we are tired. So I tried to be gentle. Hugging each of them equally and kissing them until it irritated them more. I felt like I had things under control as far as their crying was going, but then it happened. The dad snapped at Peanut. It had been a long day, everyone was tired and Peanut has entered into this "not listening" phase, so at some level, I can understand the short temper the dad might have had. But, come on! It's my birthday! Don't make this transitional moment harder for me than it already is.

Of course, Peanut didn't take getting in trouble very well. And he began to cry for me even harder. And in between each pitiful wimper as I carried him up to his bed were the words I too cried at the sound of.... "I gonna miss you so much mama." Those words made the trip up those stairs the longest in all the years I'd walked them.

And Big E followed suit for his brother's sake, repeating the same wimper and the same words, "I gonna miss you so much too mama." What else could I do? I crawled in bed with them and held onto them until they both fell asleep. As I lay there in their bed, I looked up at the dim ceiling wondering how in the hell did I get here? And then I wondered, why in the hell do I keep asking myself that same question? I know what happened, I know how I got there, and I know that I need to roll out of their bed and go home. And I did. I didn't even say bye to the dad. I just walked out.

My boys would be ok in the morning. They would forget all about how upset they were the night before and they would play with their cousins before they headed back to Savannah. But I might not be as ok. I will remember the next morning and I may not see their cousins for a long time. As I drove home, I cried. For the first time in a very long time, I cried. And there it was, the sneak attack.

I have been able to keep most of my emotions at bay for a very long time. And these emotions were not at all for the loss of my marriage. I can honestly say that I dealt with the emotions of separation a long time ago. No, these emotions were for the separation I endure every single time I have to leave my boys. Separation from your husband is one thing. But separation from your children is whole 'nother ball game.

As I drove home, I let the emotions come out as they may (as if I ever had any control over them). And then I was ok. By the time I got home, I was ok. But as I turned into my driveway, a completely new emotion struck me.......

CRAP!!! I left my birthday cake in his damn refrigerator!!!!!! The tears came again....

37 of 365: This shot just makes me giggle.

Good Night All.