Sunday, August 8, 2010

Project 365: Day 7 - Highs and Lows....

I will talk a lot about being a single parent..... A LOT. So if you don't want to hear about it, then maybe this isn't the blog you should be following. But for many of you out there, or rather many of us out there, we look to the struggles of others in our same situations as verification that we are not alone. A type of solidarity among like individuals if you will. I read about the experiences of other single parents and I become increasingly thankful that my separation and impending divorce is not as tragic as others. It does not make it any less painful but luckily for me, the pain subsided a while back. It does, however, remind me that there are millions of us out there seeking advice, encouragement, and lessons learned from our all too large "club."

At this stage of my looming divorce, I do not feel like I have earned the privilege to call myself one of your most educated peers, but if anyone can look at my experiences and learn anything from them, it is that you have to take the good with the bad. You can't go back and erase what has happened, you can't go back and make that other person miraculously change their mind (although I would be lying if I said I didn't try), and you certainly can't take back any terrible things that were said or done in the heat of whatever moment. But what you CAN do is take stock of your life as it is now. Push past the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the anger, the resentment, the regret. Force it out of the way as if you were using a machete to clear away the thick brush of hell that has become your divorce. It will take as much fight to chop down this wall as it did to build it in the first place. But once the layers start falling and you can see that tiny little speck of light trying to push through, I'm convinced that's when it will become easier. I know what you're thinking "easier said than done." But I do not talk about things that I myself do not live by. I struggle with my wall everyday, but I can tell you one thing...... that tiny speck of light is growing more and more each day.

Now, for those folks that may browse through my blog, but you are not going through what we in the "divorce sucks and single parenting kicks ass, literally" club are going through, first off let me say bravo! I envy you and pray that you never have to. Otherwise yours may become another blog that I follow. But for the intact families out there, I hope you will remember us single parents regardless of what side of the war line you were on before the first "charge" sounded on the battlefield. All too often, when families are split, friends and extended families split too. It's not just a separation of husband and wife, it becomes a separation of whole communities. People feel obligated to to remain loyal to one side or another. And that hurts more than it helps in some cases. So, if at all possible, remember us.

Now for today's photo. I go through my highs and lows and I face them with equal anxiety. My highs are seeing my babies, but knowing that my time with them is cut off two to three days a week, therein lies my anxiety. My lows are those two or three days a week and therein lies my anxiety. BUT I am learning to take my good with my bad and make the best of every day whether it be with them or without them. I cannot spend my alone days wallowing in my alone-ness. I have to live as much without them as I do with them. Although life is so much more fullfilling when they are with me.

So today was a non-wallowing, live alone, make the best of it day. And as you can tell from my photo, (toys put away with care, game remotes tuck away in their designated spots, the absence of food crumbs on the table) I finally cleaned my dirty house.

7 of 365: Highs and Lows.....

Good night All!